To the year that was.

So it's December and about time I stepped back and reminisced a little about the year that's almost over, and be grateful. December's like my own personal thanksgiving (and despite Murphy, I do have a lot to be thankful for) and even though I've lost somethings, I still have others. Instead of acknowledging people this year, I'm doing dates which made me happy/sad beyond measure or left an impact in general. Anyone who doesn't know me, disclaimer, this might make for a boring read. However if you do know me, or once did, read along.

:Timeline 2011:

January
1st Jan: For my Parents. I can't think of a better date to get married. The whole world celebrates it, literally. And as anti the whole institution of an indian marriage as I am, it gives me immense happiness that my parents completed x number of years together. It's been quite a journey. Loveyoubothtobits!

14th Jan: For Sankrant, among other things. My favourite sankrant till date and the best last day I could have asked for after a brilliant vacation. Thankyou, you. For one month of smiles and an almost surprise (sorry it's just impossible to surprise me completely :P)

22nd Jan: For Rastogi, the complete asshole that he is. He turned godknowshowoldthisday (uncle!). He gets more irritating by the day but he'll always be something to me. What that something is, neither of us knows but whatever it is, I'm glad he's a part of my dramatic life. He adds humour to the tale, and a considerable amount of it at that.

February
14th Feb: For Snigdha. This is when after a lot of inboxing, we started becoming closer than ever and it became a necessity to talk to each other everyday or something just felt amiss. It's still a necessity. I hope the love and the gossip never dies :P

March
9th March: For Garv. We finally became normal and let go. You were my first and nothing can take that away. We're not one of those tragic couples anymore who forget everything when they break up. We remember and we smile, at last. Thank you for realizing I'm not half as bad as I come off at most times. And welcome back to my life.

April
7th April: For that Manila thief. It hit me that I'm just a stranger here and always will be. This is not my place, not my people and when I scream for help, nobody's got my back. I need to have my guard up, even in my sleep.

13th April: For India and seeing a loved one. The first breath of my country and I'm done for. The heat, the squabble, the indian rubber time. There's nothing like coming back. And nothing like coming to meet someone. Everything, every fight can dissolve, just if I get to see you and hug you.

14th April: For The Scientist. It'll be my favourite moment when I was asked, "So, can I have this dance?" and the soundtrack was my favourite song in the world by Chris Martin. It still is like having found the missing part of an impossible puzzle. Five minutes, three seconds of untainted, unconditional, pure, unasked bliss. Because sometimes people may surprise you and sometimes, just sometimes they may even take your breath away.

15th April: For Papa. I surprised him on this date and his expression was classic, so worth all the trouble I went through. He couldn't believe I was actually there, right in front of him and was truly stumped. I love you Dad, you're my hero, forever.

18th April: For Anirudh. He came into my life like a strong breeze, left everything in disarray and toppled my world upside down. This is the date I knew he'd always mean something to me, despite the jerk he is. Because he knows the worst things about me and it's somehow still okay.

23rd April: For Love. When I felt I was incapable of being loved, for letting me know you did love me despite rules and lines and conditions and boundaries and other immaterial things. I needed it.

27th April: For a non-teary Goodbye to Jaipur. This is the last I saw of Mom, Dad and Doll. No tears. And it's just such a happy image in my head. We have grown up it seems, eh Doll? It led to a perfect airport day and an easy farewell in general. Your smiles give me strength.

28th April: For realization and the inability to voice it, just yet. But then more than words is all it takes at times..

May
1st May: For the ILoveYou. There's more to add here but just these three words, however over-used or un-felt, they meant the world to me, even if I was a coward to tell you how much exactly.

24th May: For the Last Goodbye.
'Jisko hai kho jaana, woh milta hi kyun hai?'
I didn't know it then but it really was the end of a friendship and an affection that had lasted across distance for years. Love is temporary, I always knew that, but you proved friendship and promises are too. Thanks for helping me learn a known lesson I'd forgotten.

25th May: For Life. Despite everything, I'm glad something went wrong two years back, and that I lived to see this day. Having seen an almost end makes me stronger and ensures I never bail out on life again. Not till I've made something of myself atleast and put a gigantic grin of pride on my parents' faces.

June
18th June: For Facebook's Relationship Status option :P
I didn't know I'd ever have what it takes to tell the world, fuck you all, I love him and nothing else matters. A commitment phobe actually went public. What have you done to me Tiwari? :P

21st June: For Medicine. I will prove the world wrong. I will be a good, no scratch that, I will be an awesome doctor. My reasons remain mine alone but this promise I shall keep, you'll see.

July
1st July: For Kartik, a friend I used to have. He was one of the best guys I ever knew and he stood by me through a lot of shit. (Probably because he didn't know the details about a lot of it now I feel, but still). He was my first dancing partner, my favourite guy friend, and someone who was my permanent emergency dial since I trusted him with my life. I don't know where I lost him but the boy I knew and loved, isn't there anymore. But this friend I lost? He was one of the best and whatever time we did get to spend together, I'm grateful for it and for him. I told him once, "you're one of the good ones you know." He really was. And the first of every July, I'll think of the friend I had and this memory of him that nothing can taint.

8th July: For Birthdays. I love them. I used to love planning for them and buying ohsomany gifts and making huge ass cards and writing trashy emo letters and and, faking being surprised when people tried desperately over the years to give me one. Heh. Since I wrote a post thanking everyone who made it special at the time, this sums it up. Eight means meee :D
Ps. Just because I'm not around doesn't mean you guys don't owe me presents bytheway :P

15th July: For Adhiraj 2. The sweet boy that he is and the friend that he became after a half-shared menthol and some twenty minutes of a ride together. I don't say it often but you're someone I care about. Always will :)

21st July: For Soulmates. I'm glad they exist and I'm glad I found mine. That's what you are and that's what you'll always be. Even when we've grown real old, I'll introduce you as this and make you do the same if all the hallucinogens in the world make you forget that :P
Oh and you better keep that room for me in your house or you're dead meat.

August 
7th August: For Noriel. My pretty much only friend in class. For making lectures a little bearable and helping me out in keeping me informed about what the fuck is up in college! It would be even harder if he wasn't around and he probably won't be next year. And I know how it works, people don't exactly stay in touch but I'll miss him. A whole lot.
Ps. Also, for not hitting on me! Phew.

September
18th September: For Exclusivity. Because the thought of having to share you kills me; even though you'll always be mine in a way you can never be anybody else's. And even though this is the hardest thing I'll ever do, I will wait for you.

19th September: For Shail, my Yang.
All those times when she thinks her words don't have an impact on me, they actually do. She reads all the crap I write, she awkwardly hugs me back when I randomly envelope her in my arms, she stands up for me, she takes me for a younger sister and gives me someone to look up to, she patiently listens to me whine and she kind of even spoils me. We watch sitcoms together, smoke together, drink together. We're pretty much stuck together :P
And I love the fact that I'm stuck to her of all people.

October
14th October: For Tears. I'm not really used to people standing up for me, much less people wanting to dislocate someone's jawline on account of my tears. So when I saw him have my back, it felt nice to have someone give a fuck for a change.

15th October: For Acceptance. The people you grew up with, people you stood up for, people you were fond of, can let you down. They can choose to move on and lead a life without you, without even fighting for you (for totally useless reasons bytheway) and you just have to accept it and move the fuck on.

18th October: For the Greater Good. At times someone else's happiness is more important and even if what makes them happy, stabs at you a little bit every day at the very core of your heart, you have to be okay with it. So if me being a little dejected and miserable means you smiling more and not feeling choked by demands then so be it. 'Whatever makes you happy.. Whatever you want..'

November
2nd November: For my childhood fantasy, ShahRukh Khan. I pledge you my unwavering and undying support, no matter how many RA.Ones you make :P
(Though please don't?)

3rd November: For Adhiraj Singh Rathore, jackass number one. We've been through a lot together and seen each other at our best and worst. We may talk once a month or even lesser but I'm fond of him and he makes me smile for some unknown, unexplained reason. For being my evil-twin, and someone I can't get mad at and who can't stay pissed with me, and my promised EMA. Till death do us part, literally :P

4th November: For Ma. Last year I got myself inked and this year I didn't quite know what to do with myself or for her since nothing and no words will ever be enough. Except maybe the cliché iloveyou. For being my strength,
my mentor, my guide and my friend. There is no one like you across this entire universe. True story.

11th November: For Long-Distance Phone calls. Special thanks, Priyanshi, Radha and Tyagi. Unexpected calls just to hear my voice make my day so much that you wouldn't know. We can obviously never talk enough and my stories are truly unending but even when you call me for five minutes just to see how I'm doing or to say, "heyyy shiwomeee", it leaves me happy beyond measure.
Ps. All the douches who never call, take a hint, pick that phone, dial those digits.

19th November: For Shreiya. We lost touch this year and this is the date, she wrote to me and everything fell into place. The UC still prevails baby and I promise you, we'll always catch up where we left off.

27th November: For Girls' Night. It's a must. No matter how awesome boys are, every once in a while we need to lay back and enjoy a drink or two (or many,many more) without them.

December
2nd December: For Doll. For our eight years of friendship and the fact that she knows how much I love her. A lot of people forget that because of the shit I tend to do, but she doesn't. And that in itself speaks volume about the trust, bond and affection. This was the first birthday apart and trust me it felt weird to the hilt. I don't need blood to make you my sister man, that one old packet of maggie masala was enough.

4th December: For Loss. Things end, people leave, and we have to say goodbye. If nothing then this date, as the many more before has taught me how to bid adieu to someone I love with a heavy heart and wish them a happy future. Even if that future no longer means a 'we' or an 'us'. Because sometimes letting go is the only way to hold on.

14th December: For Memories. Everyone of them I treasure and hold close to me. And when people become a thing of the past, my past, I hold on to these memories even tighter for now that may be all I have left of them. December reeks of home and home equals you, in more ways than one. I remember you, I remember us, for all the good times. Shit happens but our identity is not the circumstances that tore us apart but the love that kept us together even if just for a day, a month or a year.

17th December: For Patience; which they say is a virtue - but it clearly isn't mine. Nevertheless sometimes all you can do is wait and things do fall into place. We may be far from what we want, I'm not even sure we want the same things from each other, but I believe we'll get there some day, wherever it is, even though I'll never do what you want me to and you never listen to me anyway.

25th December: For Christmas.
'I look up, you're standing next to me, what a feeling'..
I'll make for an awesome Santa know? :P

I love this year. I kinda had to.
2011- It adds up to four. Our number. Us.
It's taught me a lot, you've all taught me a lot.
2011 - What a year it's been. Let's see it off in style!

Maybe.

I'm a dreamer so maybe I just dreamt it all. Imagined you, my version of you, and just believed in it. In you. I imagined that you loved me, and that you meant what you said. I thought you'd be happiest when you're with me, and miss me when I'm not around. I believed that you wouldn't let anything tear us apart, least of all your ego, and that you'd never let a tear roll down my face. I felt like you cared about me and no matter how crazy my whim, you'd gladly give in.

But this is all me. Maybe I am just a dreamer and you were just a dream because I wake up and you're gone. All I'm left with is the silence of these winds that engulf me. You are still my favourite dream and I look forward to meeting you each night, like a little kid who cares not about what a candy does to his health, but just wants it for it's sour-sweet taste; like an addict who knows somewhere deep down that the drug's killing him but he takes one last shot anyway, because he's hooked and can't bear to stay away; like a wave who hits a rock, which is rigid and refuses to move but it gets hurt, recedes, then comes back aching for more.

You break me and hurt me and maybe this is the you I'm supposed to be seeing but I don't. This is not the you I see in my head when I close my eyes. And for that image in my head, I'd do anything. For that smile, for those eyes. Because I meant every word I ever said to you and maybe just maybe you meant a few of them too. Or maybe I imagined those words and promises also, just like everything else about you and us.

Yes I'm a dreamer so maybe I imagined the perfection, the chemistry, maybe even the love. Maybe it was just me all along. But was it really? When did you fade away from my reality? Were you walking away all this while that I was taking steps towards you? Am I reaching out for hands that are not there? Am I in love with someone who doesn't care about my existence?

Is my favourite dream turning into my worst nightmare? Or has it been that all along?

"Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"Just close them."
"But why?"
"Stop killing the moment?"
"Stop keeping me in the dark."
"Please?"
"Okay. Now what?"
"Recall your happiest memory. Imagine it down to the tiniest detail. Don't leave out anything."

Closed my eyes and did just that. Painted that image. Eager to share it with you, I blinked to reality. But you'd gone. Only a note remained.
"I wish you the best life ahead. I could never make you truly happy. Don't come looking for me. You're better off without me. Move on."

My happiest memory was with you. If only you had stayed and listened.. If only you had dreamt this dream with me..

Stranger.

We met as bare acquaintances and you touched my soul. I never knew you'd grow to mean the world to me, but you did. And in a short time you defined bits of this world, took them up for your own. I never complained, just gave you a little more each day. Something so beautiful could never go wrong. Innocent coffees and moonlit walks. I shivered and stumbled but you steadied and warmed me. I was a different me when I was with you. I guess it wasn't me at all.. Just you, all you. Your radiance reflected on me and made me shine bleakly too. The sky and the shore came together. And in fragments, my life became perfect.

Then we said goodbye. And the threads I was holding on to, fell lose all at once. I came spinning down, drowsy with memories, starving for more. I'm still trying to make my life perfect. But the only way to do it anymore is to cut out parts of my day and paste my past into the nights. And as I photoshop your smile into my life, I know I'll never be the same again. For you changed me, forever.

~Because coming together means falling apart.

Wait.

She went running, for she loved to run. She started running at an early age and she would run fast and far, always. Her breath had started failing her now but her steps never did. She would stumble in her routine life but when she ran, there was not a more soothing sight. The feet fell into place always, the hands were unnecessary, the hair that she wasn't fond of would be tied back and only fresh air would touch her face. 


And so she ran, away and beyond or towards, she knew not. She ran as far as her feet would take her and then grudgingly walked back for even she grew tired and her body loved to not do her bidding. 


Splashes of water on her face, a long sip to quench her thirst and she made way for her bed. Fumbled a bit in the dark, her elegance lost now and climbed under covers to ignore what lay ahead; she couldn't be less bothered. All days fused into one as she found means to keep herself entertained in the land of the dead.


A hand reached out from behind her and she turned over, alarmed, more than anything else. But even in the dark, her skin knew his touch and his breath. Had she fallen asleep long enough to dream? She wanted to drown him with a million questions but he beat her to it; he drowned her with a kiss. He whispered so softly in her ear that she might not have heard him at all, but she did, "I've been waiting for you for so long.."


As his voice faded off, she lay there thinking and speaking to his ghost. 

"I'm waiting too baby, I'm waiting too."

5 am conversations.

5.30 a.m.
She answers the phone on the fifth ring, and mumbles a hello. She didn't open her eyes or glance at the number, just mentally cursed the person for dialing her digits at such a godforsaken hour.

"Hello?"
"Yeah.."
"Hi.."

And now she slaps herself mentally for having ever cursed this call for even a second.

"What's up?"
"Nothing.. Just wanted to hear your voice."

They fall into a pattern and talk until his balance is exhausted. But they're not done yet so she calls back. And they talk until he's too sleepy to form sentences anymore. He took away her sleep but she doesn't complain because she promised to always be there. She whispers somethings and hangs up, unwillingly. And when finally sleep does grace her again, he's her last conscious thought and her first subconscious dream. Because she's convinced that it's not a one-way street and he cares too.

*

5.21 a.m.
"Don't you ever sleep?"
"Heh.. not much anymore. Um.. how is he?"

She listens to his friend tell her insignificant details about him and tries to conjure up in her head as to how he really must be doing. When she's dying to ask other, more important and meaningful stuff, all she does is listen to these things which are totally immaterial. Because she still cares. That was always her problem. And even though he promised he always would, he's forgotten about her with an ease she thought wasn't possible.

*

5.43 a.m.
"Goodnight baby.."

Funny enough or maybe it's irony, he's slept already. She's the only one awake and she battles insomnia due to an "unfinished us" as she terms it. I'll kiss you goodmorning when you do wake up, she thinks to herself. Just dream of me and I'll be here when you open you eyes. Because when all of this is over, she knows now she'll still care. And he never did.
So she whispers an iloveyou in her head, gets back to her book, and hugs her bunny a little tighter, trying to tell herself she's not a fool for caring.
Even though she is. Even though she always has been.

Here.

You know I plan. It's an inherent habit and not one that bleeds out of my skin ever despite many a lesson by Murphy. I look forward to things enough to jinx them eventually. Over a period of time, this has eventually made me apprehensive. About anything good. But planning is in my bones. It's in the essence of everything I ever do.

It doesn't help when these plans turn to nothing but they give me something to look forward to. And I was looking forward to this wedding a lot, for a long time. Now it'll pass me by, with not so much as a second to remember it by. All those songs we were meant to dance together on, the alcohol I was supposed to sneak in, the tears I was to help you not cry and the hot boys we were to flirt with without being caught doing the same.

Maybe in another lifetime.

I was striding towards December with blinders on until now, but now that it's here, what do I do with it? It brings with it this feeling of an immeasurable loss. Everyone's calling it the Friday of the year. But I know once you finally reach it, Monday's never far behind and it sneaks up on you, sooner than you expect it to.

Have I lost my winter even before it had the chance grace me with it's chills? Have I lost you even before I got to be held in your arms and look in those eyes, one last time? Did I make all these plans, all my life to watch them burn to ashes before they could even come alive?

Every moment.

"Somebody told me, this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe."

When we moved to Vaishali, I thought it was a sad, sad decision. It was so far from school, Dad had never liked the safety of the area and none of my friends lived there. I knew it was going to be a long, constant feud with my parents in case of parties and permissions and a lot of other stuff. But I loved the tiny flat somehow, so I didn't complain. Not much anyway. It all happened too fast and by the time I realized, it was actually happening, it was done, we had moved.

I still remember the first time I saw you, you were sitting alone by the window in that Red Roadways Bus. I had a friend or two in that bus already and they acquainted us over a few songs. You didn't speak much, you were the silent kinds but I talked enough for the both of us. Soon, our common love for music, food, shouting at the top of our lungs, standing by the door of the bus, made us friends. Just like that.

Your old friends, my old friends, all faded as slowly yet gradually we started growing closer. Thankfully for us, the annoying ones left the bus and soon it was just us two. Sometimes I'd drag Devanshi out of her bookworm shell and make her sit with us. In time, she learned to enjoy us more than her books as well. Our bond was unexplained and yet, rock solid. We'd argue with everyone but each other somehow, with you I never even have the 'Reddies are better' debate much :P

From early morning breakfast that I'd hand to you, to the after school ice-cream you'd save for me, there were certain unsaid traditions that formed on their own. I came back from class one day whining about no sisters since it was sisters' day the next day. The first thing I saw on you the next day, was a silly little card made out of maggie-masala packets, and a smile which said "you're my sister." And then on, we were sisters. Just like that.

Our traditions ran deep too. You always took the window seat, I took the aisle. When we were standing near the door I took this one corner and you took the other. When we threw chalks at people, I broke the pieces as you aimed and hit, almost never missing. I chose the lame ass songs and you sung them with me. Whether it was a bad morning at home or a terrible day at school, when we were together, it all melted down to nothing. I'd see your tears at times in the morning and rare as they were, you'd usually never tell me why they were rolling down those cheeks. My hand would find yours and in a while, you'd stop to sob. I was different that way. When I cried, I would rant and rant as to why, crying in your chest like a baby and you'd shush me and bitch about whoever it was that made me cry. Somewhere along the line, your shoulder became my favourite in the world, one where all my troubles would end.

When I am asked as to how we became friends by people, I tell them, we shared the same bus and they give me a zapped expression. Whenever I make new friends or meet new people, the first thing they find out about me is my best friend, Doll. I talk about you incessantly now that you're not around. About us, and all the crazy shit we did together (and boy! there's a lot!). My childhood is made of you, so is my adolescence. You stood up for me at a time when it was taboo to even look in my direction. To your seniors, our seniors, whoever the fuck. You made me a part of your group when I was walking around alone with nobody for company. You took my word on everything and supported my most irrational whims and adamant decisions. Everytime Garv was mean, (and that is a countless number), your house is where my steps led me, your digits the number I always dialled. It amazed everyone as to how even after a day spent with you, we still found it in us to talk for hours.

Your house became my home, your family, mine. You've given me so much that I don't think I can ever thank you enough. As for me? I've given you all your crazy memories, all your firsts. I would name them but the list's too long and they are etched in our mind too well anyway. You're still someone I don't mind getting yelled at for, and still my little sister whom nobody else can tell what to do, except me. I believe in your right to life, right to fuck up and fall and then the strength in you to stand up and hold your head high again. Through all of this, I will be there. Yeah doll, I will always be there.

Maybe just in words, for physical presence is an impossible as of now. I am reminded so horribly of last year when we were together, this time. But I promise you, there will come a time, when no matter where I am in the world, I will come to you, every second of december. Because even at your worst, you've been better than every douche, bitch and so-called best friend I've ever known. When we fought and spat venom at each other  you still walked with me and your house was still my comfort zone.

Why do all good things come to an end? I don't know baby.. You've asked me this repeatedly over the years but I can tell you this, there is no end to us. As I quote Kite Runner to you over and over again, I know not which I am, Amir or Hassan for my love for you is pure like the latter's but I am a selfish bitch like the former. I've hurt you when I promised I never would when you only made me love the decision my parents took so long back. You made Vaishali my home. The streets, the coffee shops, the ice-cream parlous, the theaters, every nook and corner of that locality, screams with so many memories and almost all of them, have us.

If I could, I'd write down every moment with you, because they're all so beautiful and cherished. If I could, I'd explain to you just how much I miss you and how my thoughts stay with you. If I could, I'd tell you I take you as my blood, I feel your pain and I would kill for you.

You're my little sister, my person. I love you.
You're there when nobody else is and I'm sorry for I expect a tad too much from you but then it's not my fault really, you've made me too used to the perfection of us.

So Priyamvada, that place where everything's better and everything's safe? It's with you. Anywhere in the world.

Happy Birthday Rats.
I promise you, an eternity of me. And you know I keep my words.

With more love than you can imagine,
Meow.

If I lose you.

The old gods or the new, I believe in none as such for they've given me no reason to. That's my defence, my shield. There's too much wrong in this world for there to be the existence of a higher power taking care or even looking over everyone and everything.

Yet, he gave me you.
If there is a god, sadistic as he maybe, he gave me many things. As I read through the pages of a brilliantly written book today, I try to feel what it must feel like to lose a loved one, to watch your father beheaded or your sisters raped or your lover slain with blood.

So till I have you, I thank not him, but the universe above for I can't bear to even imagine going through this degree of loss ever. But remember, I will be strong enough to avenge those who dare to do you wrong, strong enough to perform your rites myself and stronger still to follow you, to your very end.

When they write my epitaph, it may not read many things, but my love for you, it will always profess.

What does it take to come alive?

She walked to the cliff, stronger this time. It would set her free. She would set herself free tonight. She sat at the edge listening to all her favourite songs. Music was the answer, always. But what when music led you to the same person over and over again?

"Then maybe you're supposed to walk to them" said a little voice in her head. She drowned that voice with a hard shot of scotch. Her instincts weren't hers. They'd not been hers for long now. Ever since she met him really..

And she swung another long sip just as her mind started to wander towards him. There wasn't possibly enough whiskey in the world to make her forget him. A few drinks down though, the music called to her soul and she found herself swaying at the edge. She took a step back, she was waiting for the perfect time.

The sunset was an unseeming purple. Or maybe it was just her imagination playing with her mind again. She'd been forging reality for so long now, she'd grown accustomed to hallucinations. And tonight she would get high, her first and last time, know once and for all what it felt like. She looked on and saw the sun going down, the sun had gone down on her such a long time ago.

Very soon now, she thought to herself.

The alcohol ran out on her, too soon, before nightfall had hit her properly but she'd been prepared for this. She traced her way back to the car, found another bottle and smashed this one to bits. The splintering sound of glass on hard rock was the last thing she heard before she hit "play" for what she knew would be the last song.

As luck would have it, she found Martin singing to her, telling her what a shame it was for them to part. Sigh, so be it. The sky had turned a blissful black now, and there was a star shining diagonally across her in the distance, just one, and she closed her eyes. The beat found her feet and she danced her way to the very tip again. She didn't open her eyes for the star seemed to be haunting her with his memory as if he'd followed her up to her mountaintop.

He saw her dancing in the distance, under the moonlit sky. If only she knew how beautiful she looked just slowly moving there. He would have gladly stood there all night, and for many more nights to come but he knew any second now she could make one wrong step and she'd cross over, once and for all. He'd not looked back since that fateful night but he knew by her words tonight that she was going away, forever and a universe in which there was no possibility of reaching out and meeting her was not one he was willing to accept he realized. So he moved forward. Counting the steps. The fourteenth step, and he could tap her shoulder. And so he did.

She turned around, dazed. She blinked her eyes. It was her vision playing tricks on her again. But she hadn't seen his face this clear for so long now that she stared unabashed. She stared to take it all in. That impeccable jaw line, that lazily maintained goatee, the non-existent cheeks she loved to pull at, those perfect lips, and those heavenly eyes. The eyes is where she stopped. There was something wrong. No twinkle. In her head, his eyes always had that crazy spark.. where was it? She raised her hand and traced it along his face before she accepted that he was here, inches away from her. And then she looked away, embarrassed at how blatantly she'd been staring.

He removed the earplugs from her ears and as she resisted they fell out and the music stopped. Her cigarette case fell off too. He picked it up and slid open the red box over which they'd become acquaintances first. Even he was mildly surprised.

"Really now? Your first without me?" he said inspecting if it had even been rolled properly.
"It's my last too." she whispered, still amazed at the ease at which he had strolled up into her realm once more.

He ignored her, rolled it a bit better and sat down on the rocks.
"What, are you planning to stand all night now?"
She slipped by his side, noticing the uneven surface she'd placed herself on for the first time that night. She was suddenly very aware of her surroundings, of herself. Her strewn hair which she hadn't brushed in days, the eyes which were a dense brown now minus the specs that she had broken in a fit of unexpected rage, the lose tshirt that hung so limp over her shoulders and the ragged shorts which she hadn't bothered to change out of for days.
He took a drag, and as if reading her mind said, "you still smell the same."

He passed it to her an she inhaled it a little too much at once and ended up coughing it all out. He stroked her back gently, and taught her how it was done and then they shared it in silence. She reached out for the bottle, but he held her hand, "I pour the drinks baby."

He poured them shots and she didn't know what to click them to. The end?
"What are we drinking to but?"
"For me walking to someone to pull them back for the first time ever?"
His reply was simple, the click quick and he drained his glass empty before she even had a sip.

"Why?"
"What why?"
"Why should we do this anymore? I'm tired. And you're weary. We've gone so long without talking..." she took a long sip before she could complete her sentence "..but I still can't imagine a world without you in it. It's too hard baby."
"So you're taking the easy way out?"

She didn't miss the tone of his voice, the slight edge, the clear disdain. He'd never get it. And yet as she even formed the thought in her head, his hand found hers and her fingers held on tightly, for dear life. They sat like together for hours, drinking, making no conversation, none was needed, the eyes said it all; both too stubborn and afraid to blink for the fear that it might end.

Once the alcohol was over, and they only had each other, she finally found her voice again.
"Why, why tonight after all those texts and calls? Why did you come?"
"Because I knew it was now or never."
"How?"

He slipped out his phone and clicked a few buttons and she re-read her text to him early that morning.
I tried. I really did. But it doesn't make sense anymore. None of it without you. I'd rather jump off than fall apart bit by bit. And even though it's been years, there was only just one you so I can't watch your face fade from my memory any more than it already has. Know that I love you, always have, always will. Forever.

It meant nothing to her, they were just words and she had written so many to him over the time and distance. What stood out to her was the fact that her name was still saved as superwoman. She looked at him, the questions stuck in her throat. Had he really flown to her? She couldn't stop the tears anymore. She hadn't cried in so long, he'd made her promise that she never would so she had soaked them all in and not let them fall and still they came rushing now, as if making up for all the times she bled but did not cry.

She was crying now. He didn't know what to do. He held her and tried to cradle her but she just sobbed and sobbed relentlessly. He hugged her and pulled her close trying to wipe off those tears which always left him speechless but she was such a stubborn baby. My baby. He recalled all the times he'd said it and it seemed just like yesterday and he didn't know why they'd ever gone a day without him saying it. 

"Baby.. stop? Please?"
And that was when she looked up and saw the hurt in his eyes. She took a broken breath in and tried to not exhale for she knew not how to hold it back anymore. Neither did he. So their lips found each other and he was ever so gentle as if scared to hurt her. She broke away first and wiped her tears dry.

"You want me to live?"
"When we end it, we do it together. That's all. Living or dying is your call to make."
"I feel I've been dead all this while anyway.. What would it take to come alive?"
"You."

And just like that, there was music in the world again. She was kissing him, and not gently at all for she had a blinding rage in her. He'd not seen her in so long and this is how he remembered her always. Fierce and unrelenting. And she was just that when his touch met hers. He realized now what she'd meant when she'd said 'they fit together' and he'd jeered it off. He hadn't fit like this with anyone, ever since. Her shuffle was his and as it panned out, he felt himself smile after what seemed like years.


As she heard the track change, her eyes met his and she saw what she'd missed earlier, that twinkle, that spark. "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?", she'd whispered it out to him as she'd pulled him to lie beside her. "I did already didn't I baby?"

She looked up at the sky to show him the star she'd seen his face in but there were two now. He'd brought her to life.

Epilogue:
"Baby?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you come?"
"You won't let this go, will you?"
"No."
"I had to tell you this in person."
"What?"
"I love YOU too.. soo fucking much."


With that another twenty eighth came to an end, they crossed another bridge and they lay back to see another dawn through each other's eyes. She lived to feel the sun warm her again. Her sun.

The two 23rds.

I looked at the calendar long and hard to find some math to it, but as always all I found was love.

About this precise time and date, seven months back, you told me you loved me when I felt nobody did; or could. I never asked you why. I probably should have, in retrospect.

Today I give it back. Because today I know your definition of love that I trusted so blindly is more screwed up than mine.

I came to you just to learn a lesson I learnt long back, once more. I wasn't made of stone though I should have been. I hadn't died inside despite all reason to. I know now why I didn't. You had to be the one to kill me. But,
Nothing has killed me yet. Not even you. Doesn't mean I've lost faith in your ability to. I'm sure you'll succeed eventually. (Quote: someone?)

But not tonight. The count stands at three because four is our number. And you can't take it away from me. Not yet.

I stood in the rain, and that was the only thing that wet me. And I read all you wrote, that's all what burnt me. So, I listened to your voice, which is what healed me.

And in my head, you said what you'd said all those days back, but this time I said it back. And we meant it. Like never before.

Bad day.

"When she was just a girl, she expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach, and so she ran away in her sleep."

I dreamed of a paradise too but it was snatched even before I could form the image in my head properly. That's why dreams suck. Because they shatter and they break and then the glass splinters prick you deep within your soul. Nobody should have the ability to hurt you because once they have that ability, they inevitably always use it to hit you at your lowest.

I want to sleep and just not wake up anymore. I'm done here. You're all living for yourself and I am not a consideration through any of it. I shouldn't be starving myself to make anyone happy. I shouldn't be calling a million times to hear your voice. Fuck. You.

So live. In your own parallel universes now.
I don't even want anything anymore because whatever I ever asked for was just a joke to you anyway.
Because none of you give a fuck about what I want.
So thank you. And I'm sorry for believing the best in you which doesn't even exist. And no, there is no self blame anymore. I am a nice person and I have been fucking good to you. BOTH OF YOU. And this is really not what I deserve, NO.
Screw it.
Screw all of it now.

I'll run away soon some day and none of you will see me or hear from me ever again. If drowning in a deep, dark sea is what it takes, I'll do that precisely. Use my love for you against me and I'll kill myself altogether. No me, equals no love for you and hence nothing you can take advantage of anymore. I'm seriously done, trying. Love is a piece of shit. The only thing it ever did is hurt me and pour a carton of acid over my breaking heart. This time it's not my fault and I refuse to take any blame for it either. You all screwed up. You screwed me up.

Congratulations. And thanks. A lot.
For the silence, and everything else.

"I'm not listening to you, I'm wandering right through,
Through this distance.
With no purpose and no drive,
In the end we're all alive,
Two thousand years I've been awake, 
Waiting for the day of shame,
Dear all of you who've wronged me, I am, I am a zombie,
Again again you want me to fall on my head.
I am, I am, I am a zombie,
Again, again, again you push me."

Happy eighteenth to me .

. start the to back going i'm . hard so be would it said ever noone , easy was it said nobody . part to us for shame a such it's oh , easy was it said nobody . are we as back coming . tails our chasing, circles in running . start the to rush i and oh . me haunt and back come, me love you me tell but . heart my as loud as speak not do, progress and science, science of questions . apart puzzles the pulling, figures and numbers at guessing just was i . start the to back me take, oh . hard so be would it said ever noone, easy was it said nobody . part to us for shame a such it's, easy was it said nobody . apart science a on heads, tails in coming, circles in running . start the to back go let's oh, questions your me ask and secrets your me tell . apart you set I you tell, you need I you tell, you find to had I. are you lovely how know don't you, sorry i'm you tell, you meet to up come

Nadaan parindey, ghar aa ja.

When will I not wake up to an empty bed and these ugly walls? When will I learn that to snooze means to lose hours that I'm never getting back? When will I reach out for arms that are reaching back for me? When will I stop checking my phone for a red blinking light? When will I stop waiting for a miracle? When will I stop wishing for something impossible? When will I stop aching for a hug? When will I be kissed like i'm the only pair of lips left in this world? When will I trace somebody's name in the sand that I walk on? When will the glass splinters that I place my feet on each day, hurt less? When will I make a friend that I don't lose to circumstances, or distance, or the difference of gender. When will I stop finding comfort in the magnificent flames that my unsent letters form? When will I look up to see my mother looking down at me, extending a helping hand? When will I hear my name being yelled out in a street by an acquaintance I bumped into? When will my head rest on my best friend's shoulder? When will these rants stop? When will they get over the past and then teach me also how it's done? When will music cease to make me miss people? When will I be forgiven? When will my cellphone flash those ten digits? When will my father not have to take care of my finances? When will I stop questioning every good thing that ever happens to me? When will I stop searching for the right words to tell the people I love, just how much I love them? When will I stop being my worst judge? When will I not see such horrific things in my sleep? When will she hold my hand, tell me it'll all be alright. When will I stop blaming myself? When will everything finally, fall into place? When will I be home, for good? When will someone write "Always" for me? When will the beats in my head become louder than the noise of this world? When will my body fit into someone's so perfectly again? When will I live to see a day in which I don't procrastinate? When will I stop looking for his eyes in every pair of eyes that mine burn? When will I accept I can be loved deeply too? When will I halt to look around me, take it all in and thank the universe instead of curse at it? When will Murphy ignore me like an innocent bystander? When will I be innocent again? When will I read, all that I want to read, see all that needs to be seen and do whatever I ever aspired to do? When will my dreams become dreams that I look forward to and not run away from? When will he breathe me back to a life that I seem to be draining myself of, drop by drop. When will this darkness change to light? When will I stop waiting for the end?

When will I accept that I'm alone? When will we accept that we're all alone?
We're all in this, alone.

I looked your way a long time today, but you were gazing elsewhere.

"You've ruined everything now, forever."

He says the words with absolute brutality. And yet there's not anger in his words, but hurt. She's crying and can't stop. How could she do it? How could she let it happen? How was she blind all along? He pats her head and starts to walk out the door. She doesn't ask him to stop, she hasn't done that for over a decade now.

"I despise myself more than you, I hope you know that."

He came back. He always did. Moreover, there was nothing left to do. Nowhere left to go. She was all he really had, his one prized possession, the one he never earned but deserved nonetheless. Him and her. Two broken souls came together to produced the most scarred one there ever was. And they watched it happen, didn't see the signs or read the skies crying out to them.

"How could this happen?"

They ask each other this repeatedly. Neither can ever answer. They look at her and it's all changed. She's grown so much in one night. How did they miss it all? How did they watch her childhood just pass them by? More importantly, did they actually just let her miss all of it herself?

"I failed you."

Neither says this, they're proud people, them. They shoulder the blame together but it's done in utter silence for years.

"I didn't mean for it."
"But it happened. You took my daughter from me."
"I .."
"Save it. I'll never forgive you."
"I'll never forgive myself."

They grew to ignore the unpleasant bits. They erased the horrific ones in ways of their own. Fought their demons in ways they knew best. But it was always there, that something, seeping beneath the surface, lurking in the shadows. The unspeakable truth.

Years later, she thanked him.
Thank you for giving me a wonderful daughter, she said.

Him - "I love you, despite everything."
Her - "I love you, because of everything."

If you're going to be just another demon, I'll fight you too.
I'll not be seeing you in my dreams anymore, if torture me is what you do.
I told the sky, the wind and the air, long back, so I'll tell you too.
Whatever gets between me and him,
Will scar black, end up red and bleed blue.

The long conversation.

I meet him and his roommate in delhi and we sit for hours and talk. We kid around and pretend like nothing ever happened. That we're two friends catching up on old memories. He's supposed to help me catch my bus to Jaipur but I miss it. Intentionally? Through the blur, I think yes, because my subconscious makes me want to stay with him, a little while longer, always. We come back to the room where just hours earlier he was telling me how studious he's become. 


I sit with the two of you, what was his name again? What was his face? Were you the only thing I noticed? I casually pick up a notebook and see your messy cursives and read some math scribbled in it.

Her - Any good at math yet?
Him - Always.

I scoff. 'Did I miss something?' You laugh and pour me a drink. Your friend fades away. I tell you to not make it strong.

Him - Now that's a first.
Her - I kind of want to stay in my senses.
Him - Relax, I wouldn't be touching you.

He pours me the usual. Our glasses click. What are we drinking to, I wonder even then. Drinking together is a bad idea, I know somewhere in my head.

Her - So I should call Anirudh. Tell him I stayed back.
Him - Let him call.
Her - Why? I'm the one who always calls.
Him - Well then, that's kind of the problem still, isn't it?

I choke down my retort. I don't want us to rip each other's head off, just yet. We've had such a normal, fun day till now. I gulp down the shot and pour myself another drink. 'He doesn't know shit', I think to myself.

Him - We're all the same Shiromi.
Her - No, you're not.
Him - Trust me?
Her - I did, remember?

The tones are changing and I don't like where this is going. Maybe I should have left. What is the point to this. The outcome will be.. Well. I decide to browse through his notebook and see the doodles instead.

Her - What's this?
Him - Forgotten your name have you?
Her - But.. Since when do you trace my name?
Him - You know everything right? Work this one out on your own too.

There's no rage in the words. Just hurt. I've hurt him again. I hit myself in my head for not knowing better.

Her - I'm sorry.
Him - Me too.
Her - You? What are you sorry for?
Him - Everything? For all those tears. When all you did was cry, all I did was let you. For all those fights. For treating you like property. But most of all for letting you go. For not believing in the love that you never gave up on.


I need more alcohol. I don't want these words. Not anymore. I keep the notebook away.

Her - It had to end. It would have been no other way.
Him - No, I used to think that too. But it didn't. If I wasn't such a jerk, it wouldn't have.
Her - But you were.
Him - Yes I was.
Her - Stop it man. I love him now.
Him - I know. That's the sucky bit.
Her - Excuse me?

I get up. Walk-outs come naturally to me. But he knows me well. He holds my hand, trying to calm me down and make me sit. We fight and somehow I have a lot more power than I usually would. I want to get out of this room, out of his face. He blocks the door.

Her - Let me go.
Him - Again?
Her - Yeah.
Him - No. You suck at walking away you know.

I put up a fight. I think I scratch his face for there's blood when I look at it. 'Oh shit', I mutter and grab inside my bag for cotton. I seat him down and clean the cut with alcohol gently. 'It stings a little', he says. I reply, "I know it's the damn alcohol.' He shakes his head in disagreement, 'No, this stings a little. Your touch which won't last a second longer than it needs to.'


The only thing I notice as he says that are the eyes. There's no glint in them, no light even. What happened? I stop for them, nothing else.

Her - You had beautiful eyes.
Him - You still do.
Her - You're noticing them now?
Him - Yeah..

We sit on the same bed. I'm tired. Of fighting it. Of fighting him. I drown another drink and he looks at me like he can't comprehend something. Like I'm a puzzle he can't solve.

Him - Are you happy?
Her - Yeah. I really am.
Him - Does he know what actually makes you happy? Does he even know you'll never really be happy?
Her - Huh? He knows everything.
Him - You believe in fairytales. You hate it but you do. You want a happily ever after. You like it when someone holds you back, you walk away just to be stopped. You like it when someone whispers to you, so only you can hear it. You like presents, it makes you feel like someone remembered and cared enough to go through the entire ordeal of buying you something you'd mentioned you like. You like surprises because you like being blown away. You expect only the best from the people you love, which kind of raises the bar enormously and the person inevitably always falls short. You like being quoted to, sung for and put to bed. You whine about chic flicks but somewhere you want one of them for yourself. You're not a pessimist, you're actually the secret romanticist. At the end of the day, you're just a scared, little girl.
Her - What bullshit.
Him - You're saying you don't want to be someone's princess forever?
Her - I..
Him - Don't.
Her - Don't, what?
Him - Don't lie to yourself.

I fall back on the bed and stare at the ceiling. As I close my eyes, my head is resting on his arm. I open them, then close them shut again.

Him - What are you thinking about?
Her - Him...
Him - Oh. You really love him?
Her - You disregard everything anyway so why should I answer that?
Him - He's lucky then.
Her - I sense the sarcasm.
Him - There is none. I've never known a girl who loves like you. Honestly. You're.. Mad. 
Her - Heh, five years you know me now and that's the word you use?

I've smiled finally. There's relief in those empty eyes. He takes my hand and I don't resist. Not until he starts to trace somethings on the palm and takes it up to my shoulder and then the collar-bone.

Her - Don't.
Him - Why? He won't like it?
Her - I don't like it.
Him - And so you lie to me now?
Her - Well, you always thought I did.
Him - Stop it.
Her - What? 
Him - Stop fooling yourself. You know how this ends.
Her - Enlighten me please?
Him - It ends with you in tears. Haven't you learnt by now? This isn't a fairytale. You're not a princess. You're emotionally damaged and he's not going to be the one to save you.

I jerk myself up. I've had enough. I start screaming now.

Her - Why the fuck do you always do this huh? Everytime I'm happy. Why do you come and haunt me? I'm his princess. I don't want a happily ever after. Just a happy right now! I don't live in the future. You'd know that if you knew shit about me. I live in the past.
Him - I'm your past.
Her - Don't flatter yourself. A lot of things may change but the fact that he loves me will not change. You don't even know HIM!
Him - I know enough. You were my world too right. Where did that leave you?
Her - No where.
Him - Exactly. If that could end, why will this not?
Her - Because..
Him - Because?

I'm crying now. As he inches closer, I push him away. I switch off the phone that refuses to ring. 

Him - It's true. We weren't supposed to end..
Her (interjecting) - We were. What did you think we'd end up married or what?
Him - Well, I wanted to.
Her - You're.. Impossible.
Him - But you loved me first.
Her - It matters not who I loved first. I care about who I loved last.

He's trying to soothe me now because I don't stop crying. I'm weeping like never before. Sadly, it's his shirt I'm ruining in the process.

Him - Why're you crying?
Her - Why're you doing this? I believe in him. Why are you shaking the belief it took so long to build? Do you even know what you did to me? 
Him - Shh. I didn't do anything. I'm not doing anything. It's all in your head. Come here. You know you're the only one I've ever loved.

He pulls me close, takes my glass and keeps my spectacles away. He puts me on his friend's bed and pulls the covers. Then turns off the light. I don't let him get into bed with me even for a reassuring hug. He reluctantly sits by the edge of my headstand.

Him - I'm just in your head baby..
Her - I'm not your baby. I'm not your girl.
Him - That's the thing. You're nobody's girl.

He kisses my forehead and shuts the door, his words still vibrating in my ears, telling me I'm nobody's girl. 

*

I wake up and the bright white light blinds me. These pale blue walls seem familiar. I reach for my bottle of water and realize I'm in my own bed. Then why do all his words stand so still in my mind? Why's the pillowcase wet and stained with my tears? Why did he come back with all the insecurities and fears?

Seasons.

It's getting cold. In some parts of the world it's even snowing. At about this time now, I'd take out my muffler back home, for I have sensitive ears. It never did get to cover them though for my friend Priyamvada Rathore always shared it for some crap. I never complained. I still won't. One shawl, one jacket, one pair of gloves, whatever either of us had on us for an iota of warmth, was automatically the other's. No questions asked. If there was any resistance shown by the owner, it was snatched right away so the protests were meaningless and unnecessary really.

Rats. She wouldn't let anybody else call her that, ever. Just like I'd not be Meow for anyone else. And no matter how much anyone may ridicule us, this we both always will be. Because, it's simple really. Some people do break all the way through and then that stays. No matter what. The time taken varies but once your guard is off, it just is.

"And I miss you when you're not around."
With uncle Bono singing this in my ears, I can't help but miss him too. I actually try to not miss him you know, like I make that effort. But what did I just say about defenses? Once broken through, they can't really be set back up. And we somehow broke each-other's without even meaning to.

Been there, done that.
I've said that for a long time but he's changed that for me. It's more of a 'been there, done that, but not quite' now. And to all those people who told me he was just "a stoned motherfucking player" I would just say, hah. In your face. You can't judge something until you feel it. You can't disregard someone until you know them. And I know him, I always have known him.

So darling as it turns out, I wasn't just a season for him. Because it's getting chilly now. And he's still saying those three words to me like he first did. He meant them then and he means them now. But you'd have known that if you knew how much that one word means to some of us. We didn't just blurt it out. It was said and meant and felt in most sincerity and certainty.

I don't define things and people and situations. I don't even define love. I don't like putting tags. But all of this changed for him. He called me his soulmate, we called this perfect, and the tag boyfriend/girlfriend followed too. Oh and I call this love. Years down the line I will still call this love. Because if this isn't it, nothing ever will be.

Maa..

Those are usually the first words out of any toddler's mouth. Because since before our own existence, mothers nourish us and make us a part of them, literally so. It's not just the nine months (eight, my magical number in our case) that a kid spends in her mother's womb that make it the relation of a lifetime, though that pretty much should be it. No, it's much more. It's the decision by that one person before that pregnancy to make something, someone a part of her, someone she'll love and cherish like nothing else and someone she'd not only give her life for but take lives for as well. In that instant when she conceives her child is when she becomes a mother for it's selfless right then to want to go through that ordeal.

Then comes the struggle. The morning sickness, the cravings, the cramps, the misshaped body, the restrictions, the kicks, the what-nots. You bore that patiently for me. Ever since my first cell shaped to become a part of you and you took that two-pink-stripes-life-changing-test, you were relentless, untiring and careful beyond measure that no harm, ever, came my way. From perfectly timed and nutritious meals to giving up things you liked most, to reading and singing to me, you never took being a mother lightly. And for that, among other things I owe you baby.

Maa.. It's usually a kid's first word but as we both know it wasn't mine. I'm not a cliche, never have been so my first words were "kya hai?"
Yes, I was an inquisitive little pest from the very start. And you had the patience to answer each and every query that I had. You never lost your temper or got short at me. You taught me everything that books couldn't, and never imposed your choices on me. All you ever dreamt for me was that I be a "good, happy human". Yes, I remember every word you ever put down in that baby book mom for I saw the zeal and passion with which you'd preserved every tiny detail of my childhood which parents so casually ignore or don't bother about. Every picture that you and Dad clicked, every recording you made with me being the drama queen that I was and then watched for hours later. When you thought I wasn't looking, I noticed all the pains you took to do all that. I noticed how you put off things you both needed/wanted just to be able to give me the perfect childhood.

As I started to speak, you never dismissed me for the lack of time. Instead you quit on your entire world, and became mine instead. You listened to my annoyingly boring stories and encouraged me to tell more, so much more. Slowly I started to love details as much as you and looked forward to coming home to you to tell every second of my day. All the way home on that Hero Winner of yours, i chattered and chattered away. You took the detour to Masi's house one too many times just because I wanted to go, 'someplace else'.

You taught me how to play out of nothing and everything and then watched me, amused as I turned into a block-builder then a teacher then vegetable-vendor (remember the tarazu dad made for me to weigh veggies? Boy, you both really were perfectionists!) and even the owner of a cigarette shop (I turned cassettes into cigarette boxes). Yes, you never hindered my ways.. you let me and my imagination always run free (and pretty wild).

You were there at every poem recital, every play, every debate in town to cheer me on. You were there to wipe off my tears and bitch about the unfair judgement when I rarely lost a competition. You were there to kiss me on my forehead after every result and everything that I did win. The biggest compliment always came from you, in that smile, in that kiss, in those four words, "You were the best", you are still my best praise and only critic. If I manage to please you then the rest of the world pretty much ceases to matter but I won anyway, for you raised me to be a winner baby, you taught me to never be anything but the best.

This is not to thank you, no, that I couldn't do in a million years. This doesn't even come close to describing what we have (and what the world only looks at enviously). Those afternoons on your bed, those fifteen minutes in the kitchen which inevitably led to an amazing meal, that rush to watch a movie and as long as we're together, always making it on time, those long drives and dinner dates, those ice-cream treats, those shopping sprees, ah there's so much!

Maa.. You know why that was never my first word baby? Because you're so much more to me than just that. You're like an elder sister (quite frankly you look hot dude!), you're like an annoying sibling who fights for the loo (how many times have we raced and you thrown a tantrum on losing?), a younger brother who whines for attention when I'm busy on the phone (I can really multi-task!), an older brother when someone hurt me and you kicked their ass for it, a best-friend (and this needs no reason or explanation even).. You've been everything for me. The world has crashed around me, one too many times but with your help, I've found it in me to build it all over again. I've been the phoenix but trust me I would never rise from my ashes if you didn't put all these ashes back together for bits of me scatter and fly off with the winds but you pick each of them out and put me back together, always.

You marvel at how I love people so much mom? As to how I find it in me to give myself to my friends the way I do? How I love unconditionally and forever despite the hurt and pain it brings me? How I trust people easy and let them into my life and believe the best in them always? It's you mom, you. You've taught me how to love, to trust, to believe. And so I just do. I've been loved, trusted and believed in so much by you that it's not tough to share that with the few people I do share it with. You give me so much in just that one smile of yours, in those eyes.

And I never really wrote about you before this because I never wanted to not do justice to your name Maa. You may have never comprehended that but you don't even know what you are to me. You're it. I may cry for all the lost friends, boys, and random trash like that but at the end of the day as long as I have you standing by me, nothing else matters.

Happy Birthday Mom.
Across this distance, this my baby is my present to you.

I love you beyond measure (duh), and I miss your presence around me so much I can't tell you. Writing this has been one of the toughest things I've done for it's brought tears to my eyes at so many points. But I did not cry nor weep. For today is a happy day. It's your day. No room for even tears of happiness on this special day baby.

And always remember,
For you, a thousand times over. 

Happy Halloween?

It's easier to just hate you.
And for once I'm making the easier choice.

Ranting time.

Dreams are desperate, desperate indeed and when you really want something you can't have, it finds a way to come haunt you in your dreams. Except you didn't haunt me last night. You just came to me. It was an array of all the people I love actually. From my favourite guys, to my favourite cousins, to parents, to Doll, to S, to you. And boy were you jealous about sharing me.

I saw a friend in my dreams after some two years since we haven't met (Read: Anirudh) and it was like a rush through my head. So freakin' real.

*contd.
Sorry, got distracted then and lost my stream of thought. Now I'm back with Coldplay blasting in my ears and a smoke in my hand. I spoke to Adhiraj 2 in the morning, and it was nice. I'm somehow reminded of him as I finished watching a certain movie.

Anyway, I don't exactly feel like ranting about my desperate dreams or how bad I want to see certain people.  I don't even want to whine about not being able to watch Metallica perform coz honestly I'd rather be in this place than where the thousands of people who signed up for the Delhi concert only to be shattered, are. Atleast I knew since day one I was never going to watch them live, I was just the harbinger of the good news to someone who loved me for it. I hope he gets to have the time of his life tonight and that's about it.

Yes, I can be selfless at times. I'm happy about my friends celebrating Halloween in a real world and not in this sub-urban outskirts of nothing. I'm happy about my classmates all having gone home for the "Sem break" as they call it or the lack thereof. I'm happy that I have my music, my solace. Thank you ColdPlay. Even though I personally think you could've done better, just the fact that I have a new album to devour is good enough. I'm even happy about 'Pumped up kicks' stuck on my loop.

Okay, enough fake rants.

I'm bla. Phased out and about to sleep off for the third time today. I'm trying to recall and relive the dream I had this morning but I remember it very faintly, too faintly to even replay. And I'm kind of tired of replaying the summer.
Chupke Se just came up on my shuffle. I didn't change it. I am becoming strong or maybe just giving up altogether. Even though in my heart I will always believe that in the end everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end, that's just the stupid me. The real me, the pessimist me knows better, has seen better. Life, it gets in the way of living. It's gotten in my way of living. It's made me co-dependent and dysfunctional. I re-read one of these things by Stephen King today:
Harry Potter is is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is all about how important it is to have a boyfriend.

I read Harry Potter some million times each. I barely read Twilight once when I was bored out of my mind. Then why have I turned into Bella Swan? That fragile chic who had nothing better to do than to obsess about her boyfriend and wanting to spend a lifetime with him. The dumb girl who didn't know which guy she wanted. The lame one who kissed her best friend, who kind of always even felt for her best friend but belonged to and loved someone else. The one whose life revolved around a boy or his absence. She used people to fill his void but in all actuality, nobody ever could.

Am I her now? The girl wanting to be a part of his world more than my own? This setting clearly makes for a Forks like place, what with the constant rain and random bursts of sunshine. The one who'd give up anything just to freeze time or have an eternity with him? Why do I question it all so much and keep waiting for the end? Why have I made it out to be a novel and am forever afraid of reaching the last page. What comes next? What happens when I flip over and find nothing more to read? What happens when I lose my words like I lost my heart?

I warned you with my title. Don't blame me if you still kept at it. My rants make no sense to my own head, much less to yours. You know how people say they're at peace with their head? I'm at war, I'm at constant war with my brain and it's thought process. It's too fucked up. My hands are tied as I set up a fall for myself everytime I stand and steady this body of mine. I'm my own suicide bomber.

"I went numb when I learnt to speak."

This is endless. I'll find myself tomorrow. These are just the scattered bits of me and not really me. I'll put myself together tomorrow. I'll fix me and then I'll even fix you.