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Monday, May 28, 2012

28th Blues.

"But you're sure she loves you?"
"More than anything."
"And you believe that he loves you also?"
"More than I believe myself."
"Then telling me why shouldn't be that difficult."

She sat there in silence. She'd open her mouth to speak but the words wouldn't form. She'd asked them for help too because she knew her capacities and this wasn't covered under but neither had had the time to oblige. So she sat there and stared at the wall across her. She knew even this one by heart now. The exact shade, the cracks, the lines.

"Okay give me a reason for your blind confidence then?"
"She still hasn't left..."
"And he?"
"He.. His heart beats faster when he sees me or when we touch or when we're together."
"So they must see something. Why don't you see what - there has to be one thing that you can point to."

She looks to her hands. 'You have pretty decent hands.' She likes them. She uses them to remove the hair from her face. 'Atleast they're not like hagrid dude.' She likes her hair somewhat too. My.. She starts to speaks, they like my.. They love me because.. But the tears well up a little too fast. She closes her eyes. Her eyes. 'Don't ever cry for me.' 'I can't see tears in your eyes.'

"Let's stop here today. You need to find me an answer. The letter you promised, a quote, a poem, a song. Get me something. Get me a reason."

There isn't any, she whispers to herself but nods anyway.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Dead Ends.

I begged for someone to take me to him. Nobody did.

I didn't want much from the night. Just for it to end in his arms. Just to feel safe, once more, no matter what the price. I paid it in blood and bruises but I still didn't get the one thing I wanted. I'm awake now - barely three hours from when I finally shut my eyes because I was told I could go see him in the morning. Where do I go now ?

All night people kept fighting me 'for me' they said. But there is no me that's against HIM. Don't they get that ? And there's no him for me anymore... I fought all night for a glimpse of the face which never fought for me. I would travel half a world for that face. And so I kept screaming and yelling. When that ended, I pleaded to be taken to him. But my pleas were always meant to be discarded at the whims of those who love me most.

So I fought all night.
Why didn't you fight for me ?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

'Why'd you stop dreaming?', the little girl asked.
'Dreams are for fools', she retorted.
'But.. You used to love dreaming. You had so many of them. You were so sure.'
'Yes. And then I saw them all burn to dust. It's easier to not wish for anything, then there isn't anything you've lost out on. Hope is a bitch, waiting is a bitch and love, love is the biggest bitch of them all. Anyone who tells you otherwise is only fooling you. Don't fall for it. Pop the bubble. Shut yourself up. Don't let anyone in. Grow up.'
'But.. I am a part of you. Won't me growing up mean you killing me?'
'Maybe it's time I do kill you then. Maybe this is the murder I am destined to commit according to the lines in my hands. The little girl inside me.'
'Don't kill me.. Please I beg you, I want to live, I want to see another day. I want to wait and watch my dreams come true.'
'I don't want you to anymore. And trust me, you won't be missed me. Neither by me, nor the world. You're the weakest part of me, you need to go if I ever want to move forward.'
'Let's not move forward then? Let's just stay here. In your paused world?'
'That doesn't exist. Nothing I believe in ever existed. My foundation was laid on shaky grounds. It was bound to fall down.'

When it all falls down, you have nothing left to do but build it all up again from scratch for a tomorrow or drown out slowly in the ruins and remains of your yesterdays. No question really what I'll do. It's what I do best afterall.

Monday, May 14, 2012

My shuffle and I.

She was heading back to the city she calls home, from the city of blinding lights that she so adores. They were moving at a steady speed and it annoyed her.. She tapped her feet and clicked her heels.. This world and it's people were too slow for her. All but one.

"Slow dancing in time,
My barren heart and I"

Why couldn't they accelerate? What were they scared of? Why not press the damn thing as far as it goes? Go all the way? Not just waver at the edge. There should be something that you can look back at some day and say, 'I gave it my everything.'

"Your name used to taste so sweet
Then you beat the love right out of me"

Because life takes away everything anyway.
And these happy moments we have are what we steal from life - for us. They never last, they're not even meant to. Perfection lasts only in a parallel, unknown of universe or in a made up paradise.

"It's a mystery how people behave
How we long for a life as a slave"

We are a slave to expectations all our life. From the moment we breathe our first breaths till our last dying gasp, we forget to separate wants from desires from needs. We're bound by invisible chains of fear, insecurity, and a million other things; crippled by our own alter-egos and whims.

"When he kissed me I gladly gave in
To a fight nobody could win"

Did you really think I didn't know the stakes going in? Do you think I'd have bet on just anybody? Not me, you say but I did it anyway. And when you go all in, if you lose, you lose. Some hands are worth the risk. Some people are worth losing for.

"Man, he left me blue
And do you think I couldn't do it too"

But you're my explosive - the one I promised to exercise my greatest deal of care with. For you're my crystal and I couldn't even cause a crack, leave apart even imagine breaking you. You're my explosive - the one I knew would explode eventually and burn me down with it but burning out always meant being on fire once. We were fire.

"I tell you now like I told you before
Love is a powerful force"

You can run but you can't hide from it. When it hits you in your face, there's no escape. You let it take you hostage and keep you for as long as it wants. You don't try and resist because it's pointless really. When you fall, there's no getting up, you just lose yourself to it and accept that it is something all the forces in this world together can't explain. It's without reason and without purpose too but it's still stronger than anything you'll ever feel.

"And it's a mystery how people behave
How we long for a life as a slave
And tumble into any open arms
That will only ever do you harm"

You're the only one who can ever help your cause. I knew that every moment of the steps that I walked towards you - away from my walls and across yours. I didn't know then that there was an impenetrable bubble surrounding you, didn't know then as I walked away from everyone and everything else, setting aside all my arms and warfare that it would mean giving you all the power and being left totally vulnerable and defenceless. That it would mean having to break into you everytime I needed to shatter, coming to you everytime I ran, and giving you a hold over me that only I ever possessed.

"Oh, you, you, it's always you
The best kisser that I ever knew"

Everywhere I turn or look or see. With open eyes or closed. In the dead of the night or at the break of dawn. As a drowsy dreamer or an agile by-stander. All I find everywhere is you. Maybe all I ever want to find is you. My sun, my sea, my rainbow.

"True love is cruel love
Not much to be proud of"

It's the stupidest blunder of your life and once you make it - know there's no going back. It'll rip at your insides at times and be the only thing that comforts you at others. It's a heart-wrenching, pull-out-my-insides, ithinkiwillchoke kind of feeling which will leave your system acidic and parched.

"Nerve-wrecking, acrobatic, backwards bend
All for a happy end"

And there aren't any. Sorry but that's the only truth. No fairytales. No forevers. No princesses. Because in a world where there is all of this, I am his.

"It's a mystery how people behave
How we worry ourselves to the grave"

We forget how much larger life is. That's the thing. Since we're so clueless about what we're doing here in the first place, we're always worried about going wrong. Go wrong. Make a mistake. Live a little. Smile in the face of death, love in the face of hate. Fight for this love. Believe in it. Stand by it. Don't let the world run you. If it was true, it will stay with you. If it was love, you won't need reassurance. And if he was the one, you'll never wish for it to have been any other way.

"When he kissed me I lost everything
Then I got up and did it again"




















Friday, May 11, 2012

And.

And when everything is over, they'll tell you that I loved you, like nobody has or did or will or can and you'll nod curtly for you know it already and don't like your intelligence being doubted by being told the obvious.
And when everything is done for, they'll tell you just how much I loved you, in a measurable and defined quantity and you'll pause, just for a second, because that quantity is large enough to engulf your existence - it's what engulfed my existence, and it's immensity you never exactly knew or imagined.