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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Stay.

28.04.2012

It's funny I should be writing about you today. Of the many, many things to write about I choose you. This time last year, I took a decision that changed my life forever. I was hit by an unstoppable force more than anything else and started to feel things I thought I was incapable of feeling anymore. But today I hope to do the same. Make a change. And you're the reason why.


Green light, seven-eleven, you stop in for a pack of cigarettes..

Yeah so I smoke menthol. We've shared quite a few, haven't we? You ask me why I smoke it? I like the after-taste of menthol. I like how it leaves you feeling minty sort of. Fresh. It's about starting afresh now. Because I'm tired of living in the past and future. Day-dreaming about the things I once had and waiting for the time to come after kinda kills the life that I'm actually supposed to be living.


Dressed up like a car-crash..

Yeah I wear anything and everything. You've seen a lot of random pictures, haven't you? Laughed over them and mimicked them and done what not with them. I think I don't photograph well though. That's the thing about photographs. They can never quite capture a person's essence. And we never photograph well together somehow. I mean afterall what could ever capture this?


The wheels are turning, but you're upside down..

Yeah I am complicated beyond measure. You know that don't you? You've seen me at my clumsiest, craziest, dumbest, happiest and even when I hit absolute rock bottom. As you try to figure out my messy head, and inevitably always predict what I'm going to do even before I myself form the thought, you do know me. You know when I've been crying and even though we sidestep and ignore it, I do know you care. If only I reached out, you'd be the first arms that'd steady my faltering steps (unless well, you're hoping to capture my monthly humpty-dumpty fall).


You say when he hits you, you don't mind..
You say when he hurts you, you feel alive..

Yeah I am a masochist. I guess I live by the old principle of I'd rather feel pain than feel nothing at all and set myself up for it more often than not. That pisses you off to bits, doesn't it? How I can just let someone or something hurt me endlessly and how little I do to change it. How I hold on to memories that only bring me down and how I don't let go, even when that is the best thing to do. How much I crib and whine when life is kind of the same for all of us.


And if you look, you look through me..
And if you talk, it's not to me..

Yeah I'm a nomophobe. You see that and want to smash my phone for it, know? When all you see is my fingers punch keys incessantly into a black little thing instead of living in the moment. But we have shared quite a few good moments together. Scratch good, we've done some epic shit together. And I am pretty sure there's more to come. No doubts there also in my head, even if you have them. Because contrary to popular belief, some of my favourite memories have you in them and I wouldn't have it any other way.


And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing..

That's where the song of our life changes Abhinav. Because I feel every single thing - the look that you give me when I'm lying, the high-five/bro fist mix up that we have ever so often, the smile that spreads across your face when we've shared an inside joke without anyone in the room realizing it and the hug - the hug that you give me (what once a year maybe?) but the one that says everything that doesn't need to be said out loud because I'm the fool who tries to put everything into words, not you, you just know it and once in a rare while, you let me see it too.

So I'll stick by and I hope to god that you will too. Prove me wrong. Win the bet that we had last night. Don't leave. Because I really don't think I have what it takes anymore to stand by and see another promise turn to dust. Since the day I moved into the room next to yours till the date the weak wooden wall between us started becoming impenetrable, I have loved you. Neither as a boyfriend, nor a brother, not as anything but you. An unasked and unexplained affectionate love that can't be tainted for it's too simple and factual for all of that. I read somewhere that love means never having to say that you're sorry.. So I'm not going to say that. All I'm going to say is, stay.
I promise to make it worthwhile some day.
Just.
Stay.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I worry.

The time comes when you stop hurting. When your tears just, dry up. You learn to hold them in and accept how fate has dealt out your cards. You become numb somewhat to the sensations and surroundings. You give up and realize how little control you have over your own life. You come around and let people accept the version of you that they want to, when you let them take the easy way out. You gaze into nothing and find nothing look back at you and then mock your own convictions. You let a part of you die, one gradual breath at a time and do nothing to stop it. You stop looking for answers because there aren't any. You stop believing because there's nothing left to believe in anymore.You stop feeling because all you feel is sorry for yourself and that is certainly not an emotion you want nagging at your insides constantly. You don't relate to music or rhythms or symphonies. You stop hoping for a better future. And you cease to dream, completely.

The time comes when you just stop hurting.
Well, it hasn't come yet.

Friday, April 20, 2012

You took so much. So much that I'll never be whole again. But why water? I loved it since I was two. My reflection I gave, my smile, so much I just gave up without question; I grew to detest; but why take the one thing that was mine forever? Why taint it? Why leave so many scars that no amount of water can drown. I can't stay away for it tempts me, too much so. And once inside, all I see is you. No matter how much I swim, your smirk is there.. Every single time. (Barring two) That I cannot submerge with any amount of fluid.

Everything blurs with time they say. Heals. Well, they lie. Because nothing has blurred and nothing has healed. And it won't. Not till I drown you in this very water with my bare hands. And as you gasp, and beg and plead, I'll be the one smirking. That smirk is what will stay in your mind as your last living memory.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I'm on the inside with you.

Growing up, I've had a long list of friends. It's not necessarily a good thing, my father always reiterated but I never quite comprehended what that meant. He said a person with five good friends is the luckiest man alive. I'd scoff and say, bullshit, I have so many good friends, best friends even. He said I'd learn in time what the word actually meant and that I should get back to him when I did.

As the years passed and I lost one 'best friend' after the other, it started to sink in. The farce, the pretence, the duplicacy that exists all around us. Pressing into details and reasons is immaterial but I grew accustomed to feeling left out. I was the outsider. No, this is not about how solitude became my way of life; it isn't about how this made me a stronger person; it's not even about how hard and bitter it all got at a point.

This is about you.

For walking into my life, one teeny-tiny step at a time and never walking out. You, who took so long to confide in me but made it so easy for me to come to you. The one who made me her sister when I felt like everyone but me had one. The one who learnt lyrics of songs she hated just because I wanted someone to sing with. You, with the most perfect shoulder in this world, carved for my head alone. The one who believed my version of stories, not once, not twice, but every single time. You, who hated my enemies with a bigger passion than me. I came to you after my first date ever because I just had to have you meet the guy. I came to you a million times after when he and I fought and we sat by your steps, or in your garden. I came to you when I craved maggie or a ride on the Activa. You're my reason to believe. Did you know that? Everytime you get mad at me for trusting people and getting hurt in the process, you should know that you're the reason I ever give anyone a shot. You've seen me at my best and my worst and loved me and hated me but never left me. You force me to discard my favourite phrase 'People Always Leave'.

You became mine before I knew it. You made me feel wanted. Not a plan was ever made without you including me in it. I was so used to people snatching away friends from me and you gave me a whole new world of them who love me and care for me instead. You never hung out without asking me what I was doing first, never went out and not tell me the tiniest of details after, never made me feel like I was an extra. We were incharge of everyone's birthday parties, and surprises, and preparations. We were the ones who shopped till our feet bled, for something you needed for a brother or something I had to buy my mother. We were the ones who made the craziest of plans and then executed them with so much ease. Yes, I like making plans because somehow that still links me to you. We'd act on impulse and anyone with us would feel like such a retard for we had a million inside jokes and references that nobody else understood and we were proud to act totally insane just because we felt like it.

You took me in when I was so used to staying on the outside. You dedicated songs to me which meant the world. I wrote you letters on the last page of all my notebooks. You never got tired of all my whining and complaints. I gave you all your firsts - no matter how mad or crappy. You called me names and then hated yourself for it forever. I hurt you and never forgave myself for the same. In the whirlwind of everything that's been happening I forgot that I have YOU.
The one person who gave me faith. The one who never went back on a promise or take back what she once said, because you meant it. You meant it when you called me Delilah, you meant it when you said you'll never let me quit life again and you meant it when you said we'll grow old together. You're at the root of every successful relationship I have and the reason I make it through every failure I face. And you're mine - you should know that. Nothing, living or dead, will ever take that from me. You know why? Because you won't let it. You fight for me like nobody but my parents have; and you're in my world of four - forever.

Yeah, everybody here has got somebody to lean on.
You're my somebody.

-
This summer, to the four of you. 
You just be good and don't you miss me.
Fifteen more days and I'll be with you,
And we'll be making history,
Like we do..
You know it's all because of you.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Scientist's Night - Part I

Her boyfriend and she were in the middle of an argument again. He wouldn't tell her what was wrong. He kept saying, "later" and she didn't know when that would come. She asked him, "what should I wear for tonight?" and he was non-committal at first. He changed his mind soon enough, "wear a skirt. Hot you'll look."

As the girls around her took hours to dress, changing from one something to another, she kept looking at the clock. Her boyfriend didn't like to be late and there were people waiting. It took her time to let the people around her slip into a skirt for they didn't like the idea. Finally after a lot of knocking and almost barge, they were done. He didn't step back and say what she wanted him to. Instead she got a, "You'll wear THIS?"
"You wanted me to wear a skirt.."
"It's bloody short. Okay whatever."

She wasn't used to anyone yelling at her but she bit back the retort in the room full of people. It was anger talking. She'd known him for years, he was just worked up. As they walked out of his handmade twin's house, she found herself walking with a girl who was his closest friend in the weird city, and her boy. On their way, she tried to explain to him how it wasn't her fault - how she'd been the first to get ready.

They reached the club, which they didn't get entry to. All his friends were inside, waiting but the boys on this side of the door looked too young to make it in. That just infuriated him further. But by now she was done explaining. She found a brick to sit on, facing the strange boy with the sleeve and her boyfriend's aforementioned twin. She asked him for a light as she took out a cigarette and realized her lighter was out of fluid. He seemed mildly intrigued by her cigarette case. Him and the rest of the world. A line or two were exchanged about Che, and her skirt and soon she was back to having just a cigarette for company.

They didn't make it in eventually. She finally decided to tell someone who looked like he might listen, to just chuck the damn club, buy booze and make it a house party instead. Miraculously, he did listen. Too many people climbed into a friend's car and made their way back. She ignored her boyfriend despite sitting in his lap. Silence seemed to be the ringing in her ears as she counted hours till she could be in the city she called home.

*

The house party was a massive fail in the making. With an alcohol she had never heard of before having been bought and a long playlist of Hip-hop being played, she decided the only way to make it through would be to get drunk. She poured herself a large of Old Cask, mixed it with minimal amounts of Coke and placed herself on the corner of the bed.

Somewhere in the background an argument sprang up. Usually, there would've been nothing in the room to have caught her attention but these two guys happened to be ripping each other's throats out over her second most favourite subject in the world to football, Music. The clear winner was the strange boy, with the sleeve and permanent cigarette in his hand though the pseudo drummer did try to put up a fight. As she got herself another drink, the lights were dimmed and her corner was not secluded anymore.. the strange boy had sat there too.

*

Conversation struck up from nowhere and they found their first common ground, hatred for the one organization all these lunatics were associated with: aiesec. What they didn't know was that it was only the first of many, many more to follow almost instantaneously.
"I honestly didn't think I'd find anyone in this room I could talk to you know."
"Trust me, I've been to a lot of these things and my expectations were below zero as far as that is concerned."

It was not as all out of place, when he took the glass from her hand as it emptied and poured her drink then on. Well, at least I'm not being anti-social for a change, he grinned to himself. She was talkative and kept chatting incessantly, pausing only for breath and places where he'd complete her sentences. So much life, what was she doing here? He almost didn't mind the shit these people played in the background in name of music, for it was her words that held his attention almost single-handedly. 


She looked around and saw everyone standing up in a line. The puzzled expression on her face was answered by one of them saying, "Guys, guys, JIIIVE" and the beats to a soundtrack called 'Bounce Billo' popped up with about ten fully grown guys and girls dancing to it with the exact same steps and moves. All they had to do was exchange a glance and they burst into laughter.
"Oh my good god. And I didn't think this night could get any better."
"Just you wait, they've barely begun."
"Is this what people call dance these days?"
"I don't understand the whole concept of dance anyway."
"Let them finish their shit. I'll show you."
"I don't dance."
"I'll teach you."
"I don't think I even want to say no to that."

*

She got up and tried to tear apart her boyfriend from the laptop but he wouldn't budge. She asked someone to change the music but they wouldn't listen. She found herself dancing alone. After a while she noticed her new friend was moving clumsily around her somewhere and so she said to his girl, "I'm stealing your boyfriend for a dance" as she pulled him to her. She tried to lead him to a dance, but the songs didn't let her and eventually he broke that attempt, "You call this music?"
"I don't. They do."

Argh. These dimwits were killing their moment. What did it take to play one decent song? Just one? He took the red laptop and searched for the one song that he wanted to play her. He paused for a minute though, he wasn't sure about her taste either, "You like Coldplay?" He saw her roll her eyes as she said, "do you even have to ask?"

*

As she heard the very first beats of the song he played her, she found herself at a complete loss of words. Was his first song to her, the song that was her absolute favourite since day five years before when she heard it first? Was she actually having someone play it for her besides her best friend? How did he know that this was the one track she had secretly always yearned for? She and her best friend used to get drunk and sing this song to each other, all her playlists had it marked it as favourite and never did she listen to this track without the hint of a tear in her eye.


The music flooded over them and he saw an almost gasp escape her lips as she realized the track he had played. "So, can I have this dance?" he asked her. He needn't have for she took the hand he'd held out and didn't speak a word, just nodded until she was close enough to tell him, just him, "Hell. Yes."


He pulled her closer as she whispered those two words to him. She had been swept off her feet, for the first time in her life. She didn't notice when he placed his arms around her waist and pulled her closer still; didn't realize when he removed the hair from her face; didn't even realize when he leaned in close enough for her to be only able to inhale him in her every breath.

He couldn't quite place the expression on her face but she seemed.. overwhelmed.She was moving so gracefully still that he couldn't help but want to hold her, pull her, erase any distance between them whatsoever. As he looked at her, he realized how utterly unaware she was of everything but him. He saw people walk out and disappear into nothing, leaving just the two of them alone in that room as he lightly pushed back the hair in her eye.


She didn't look around, didn't break the trance she seemed to be in. They were moving in perfect sync and as he leaned in closer still, it was to leave her even more spellbound as he whispered the lyrics to her, in her ear. His voice was like a summer dream.. It was like she had been drowning for he seemed like a breath of fresh air.. Every note that played seemed to have been re-written for her and she couldn't believe the smile she saw forming on her face for the first time in a year to this song.


He felt her step on his toes like a little girl. He might've complained if it was someone else, some other time but right then it felt just right. Her in his arms. He liked how she felt there.. How she moved.. How her hair smelled when he took a whiff. It was a perfect mistletoe moment but she rested her head on his shoulder instead. And for the first time, he didn't want to break that slow waltz, not even if that meant getting more of her.


As she heard the five minutes and three seconds of pure brilliance come to an end, she could feel the million butterflies in her stomach wanting to explode as she came rushing back to reality. She looked around and found the room empty. Where had everyone gone she wondered. She took a step back, and there he was with that perfect smile...


He knew the song was ending and he wanted it to last a little longer, somehow, anyhow. He didn't want them to break apart just yet but they did, and as he felt her take a step back, he didn't remove his hands, just stood there holding her gently yet with no intention of letting her go, looking at her he couldn't help himself as a tiny 'fuck' escaped his mouth...

She stepped away. His eyes were sending her in a frenzy and not one she could handle for too long, she didn't trust herself, not in this moment. His grip was light yet firm but he didn't stop her as she stepped further away and made her way to the first thing she spotted - a brown bean bag.

As she moved away, he felt a certain pull towards her that he couldn't explain. He didn't care as to what happened next, all he knew was that he had found someone he'd remember for a long time to come. He made his way to the brown bean bag, which he shared with her as he put his arm around her.

*

It was another song by Martin that found them both humming together..
"If you love me... Won't you let me know?"

*

If you love me... Won't you let me know?

Friday, April 13, 2012

Your idea of a forever - Part II

It's been a while since I had two square meals in a day without feeling the urge to throw up; a while since I slept so well that I never wanted to wake up; a while since I my head didn't start exploding at the first opportunity it got.

It's been a while since I spoke what was really in my heart; a while since I didn't hold back and just confessed my deepest feelings - no matter how pathetic; a while since I slept in someone's lap with their hand casually grazing my hair.

It's been a while since I was hugged, yes me - the one who has always craved hugs; a while since I was kissed; a while since I was someone's smile or reason to wake up.

It's been a long while, yes.
It cripples me to think this might be the forever that I'd always searched for.
#And I can't stop the rain when it falls, my darling who can ?

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Bekhudi kya cheez hai..

Have you ever lost yourself to someone? Have you ever lost yourself to love? Have you ever been loved so much that you felt it was a dream? Didn't you hate the person that woke you up from this perfect dream? Has anyone ever said the exact things that moved your soul to a depth you didn't think imaginable? Did someone read your heart and then write the words that it always ached to hear? Did you ever break all your rules, all your defenses, all your barriers for that someone?

I did.

Did you ever love anyone more than you loved yourself? Did they still argue with you endlessly that they loved you more? Did someone's eyes melt you from within forever? Did someone else's smile dissolve your frowns? Did someone make you feel so special that you started seeing yourself from their eyes, started liking seeing yourself that way? Did someone make your mornings better because waking up meant another day with them? Did you ever wish for a forever because it was just that beautiful?

I did.

Did you ever regret falling for them? Did you ever curse yourself for following your heart? Did you get mad at yourself for loving someone so much that you forgot to plan an exit strategy? Did you scream at your memory for remembering the most intricate details and reminding you of things that were best forgotten? Did you ever wish you'd never met them so you could go on pretending that someone like them just didn't exist?

I didn't.
Never.


Hoshwaalon ko khabar kya, bekhudi kya cheez hai..
Ishq keeje, phir samajhiye, zindagi kya cheez hai..


Dedicated to Bhanupratap Singh - you don't know it, but today your song, your voice brought back my fondest memories and the realization that it's always better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all.


Unse nazrein kya mili, roshan fizayein ho gayi,
Aaj jaana pyaar ki jaadugari kya cheez hai..


Dedicated to you too - I've experienced emotions with you, across all this distance, I thought I was incapable of feeling with people at an arm's length. And in moments when bits of our conversations will flash me by, I'll remember you as the sun that melted down a cold exterior of me, forever; I'll know that the love you have given me, I'll never find anywhere else; and I'll smile because it wasn't just a dream, it all happened, we happened.


Hum labon se keh na paye unse, haal-e-dil kabhi..
Aur woh samjhe nahi, yeh khamoshi kya cheez hai..  

Saturday, April 7, 2012

AA: Day seven.


"This could have been you, you know. You both were so happy together. This should have been you."

Samaira looked over her shoulder at her friend who had tears in her eyes and lent her the napkin she was holding beneath the heavy plate brimming with food. The only concern up until now in her mind had been about the amount of oil that was entering her system with the consumption of this wedding buffet. Was she supposed to be upset about her friend getting married instead? Was that the emotion real people felt? She nibbled at the pasta as her friend continued, "you can't live your life alone you know. The day's going to come when you'll want to share it with someone too."

Samaira sighed. They'd been over this. She'd been over this countless times with countless people. 
"I don't want to get married Ayesha. That is not the prerequisite to my happiness. He didn't want it either. We were happy, yes, without that contract or confinement. And yeah, for a moment there we felt like we could spend our lives with each other but even so marriage would've never been an option. I don't like the institution. I don't believe in society's need to tag and label everything. I might want a wedding someday when I'm bored, I'll never want a marriage."

Again, she got the amazed look she was pretty used to by now when she expressed her views about marriage. "But don't you see that it's a part of life? When you finally find someone, someone whom you love with all your heart and who loves you back, why not commit? It's a declaration of this love, this happiness - to the world."

Samaira tried not to scoff, "we didn't need to declare it to the world. Our love was for us. Our love was... "
"What? Tell me? What was it?"
"I feel even talking about it to someone who needs explanation is tainting it's memory. Our love was ours Ayesha. Let's just leave it at that."

The whole ceremony went on into the wee hours of the morning. Right before the pheras were completed, she thought she felt her phone vibrate. She slipped it out, ignored the texts as she typed out a new one. 
"I just attended a proper wedding. I think I'm about to faint with all these emotions swirling around me."
"Heh. You need a drink. Come over?"

She said her hurried goodbyes, wished the couple a happy and prosperous future and slipped out of the heels into her worn out chappals. As she drove towards the house that the very wheels of her cars knew all possible trajectories to, she lit the cigarette she'd been craving for all night. She parked her car in the same spot, tried to brush her unruly hair and picked up the cd she'd been listening to as she made her way towards the elevator.

"Whoa, you look terrible", he greeted her.
"Hah, I was asked if I was still unattached by atleast seven people tonight, including two prospective mother-in-laws", she laughed.
As he poured the drinks, she made way onto the bean bag and passed him the cd, "track two."
"Ah no man, I'm not in the mood  for your music. I'll show you something new instead?"
"Just shut up and play it. Trust me."

He sighed, then added, "the things I do for you."
This time they laughed together and he came to sit  across her bean bag. Looking at his outline in that room, across a tiny glass table beneath the music that engulfed them, she felt an unexplained yet unwavering happiness. She had needed this drink. 
"So, what are we drinking to?" he asked.
"To the wedding we'll never need", said she as they clicked their glasses. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Blind faith.

I was never lucky in cards. My mother would console me saying, "unlucky in cards, lucky in love."
How ironic that phrase seems tonight. I can almost hear the shadows around me laugh. They point fingers and gesture. Mock and scoff. They were right, they gloat, the monsters in my head and in my walls.

I stay calm and wait. The name in my phone is still 'Soulmate :D' and I wait for the name to act like it. I was never weak, and I tell myself repeatedly today to not let myself falter; to not let this world and these circumstances shake my belief. I played the hand regardless of the stakes. And I placed all my bets on you. It's all upto fate now. Fate & You.

My faith makes me believe that a hand that I bet on you will never go in vain. We promised each other the day would never come when this would feel futile. So I'll play till my last breath, I'll play till I can stand - and I'll play them all for you. That's called blind faith. That's called trust. And that more than anything, is love. I have been lucky in love. For I was loved by you. The cards ? Well.. That remains to be seen.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My Hero.

Of Daddys & Little girls.


You've been my strength. You've been my pillar. You've been my all. 
But now that it's time to fly alone. My question is, will you still catch me if I fall?

There's something sacred about you, something that makes me worship you like I do. If I were to name the things that I thought I didn't like about you, I could fill a few pages, but the fact is, I grew up and realized that I love you just the same, if not more, because of these very things and traits.

I remember this day long back, when we had guests over at our house. I think I was barely three but this memory is crystal clear in my mind even today. I was never one for subdued behaviour and when the time to drop the guests, came, I was the first in line skipping and hopping to the gate happily. I remember the song I was bellowing at my highest pitch also. I remember you called out to me, to be careful but I threw all caution to the wind.

I remember reaching the gate, and the time being a little past midnight, it was pitch dark. As I approached the gate, they shone out to me. Those bright red eyes. And my last memory is screaming "Papa, SHERRR!" (Dad, LIONNN!) at the top of my lungs before hiding behind my eyes behind my hands and awaiting y fate.

I don't know how you did it but you covered that huge distance of almost a mile, in a matter of milliseconds or lesser. Because when I shuddered and fell, your arms caught me. You hugged me tight and then helped me open my eyes and see how it was just a wild tomcat and no lion at all. What's more, you helped me keep him as a pet till I didn't lose all fear of him and he learnt to respond to all my commands.

Things haven't changed much still. You've helped me battle all my fears, all these years and continue to do so. You try and warn me about people and things, but I never listen and you're always there to help me rectify my screw-ups. For this more than anything, I am grateful. Thank you for helping not just me, but my friends, and friends' of my friends when they needed you; for teaching me the difference between what is right and what is popular; for explaining to me the importance of knowledge and most of all for still standing by me when I didn't follow any of the aforementioned advice.


I don't know why I worried
About the times when I might fall,
Because you've been here all along, my safety net,
You're the reason I still stand tall.


I don't need a birthday to tell you what you mean to me, but I'll tell you anyway.
I love you Papa. You're my hero, for life. The one man I'll always compare guys to and the one because of whom they'll always fall short.
Happy Birthday. 

AA: Day three.


"So I should get used to a live without him in it?"
"Yeah, pretty much."

It stung me so much. How so easily somebody could say this to me about him. I wanted to tell them that no, we are not like that, this is not like that, it's just circumstances, but then I logged on and saw this picture as today's inspiration. I haven't been able to write lately; even normal conversations have been taking effort. But I read this, and I was like maybe this really is it. It matters not what we were, because we are not it anymore. As the world around reminds me constantly, we never will be again either. Then why do I still dream of him at night? Why do I feel his is the one voice that could put me to sleep? 

The signs scream loud, too loud - drown him, blur him out. You'd think I'd listen. Maybe I'll just surprise myself and do that. Or maybe I'll just choose to be deaf to absolutely everything altogether.
#The rock you stood upon, is broken up and gone. Hey baby, who's your baby now?

Monday, April 2, 2012

Your Highness.

So, we meet again your highness, this time not in the confinement with another, but the back-alley of the building I most hate. You're still the same but the thought of you gives me a headache and makes me apprehensive, your highness. We weren't supposed to meet yet, no there was some time for that I thought, but I guess I couldn't wait. And meeting you was so soothing. It was like being transported to a different era, with flashbacks being the perfect memories and not heart-wrenching accidents.

Once we met, you left me a little dizzy, as always. This time, I didn't have someone to hold and my bed was miles away. But I reached it just fine, your highness. You left me a little thirsty, a little dazed and a little unsteady but the headache/heartache reduced, the pain died and closing my eyes carried me back to my safe place.

There is music playing and I can seem to hear every note of every song, but nothing hurts. It's a soulful amalgamation, which echoes of untold and unfinished stories. This time I'm not sharing a pillow with someone but looking across the mirror when I talk. I used to talk to my reflection a lot as a kid.. make faces, and imagine entire conversations with it. This reflection has stayed faithful and smiles at me still.

Thankyou, your high-ness. We'll meet again in a while, and a little while after and sometime after that too.
#Who says I can't be free.. from all of the things I used to be?