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Friday, December 9, 2016

The Scientist.

We take breathing for granted and yet it is the one thing that sustains life.
I think when I met you, I forgot to breathe.

You blocked my lungs with your smell, my head with your eccentricity and my heart with well, you. You were all encompassing and omnipresent. I couldn't run away, I couldn't hide - I had no choice in the matter. It was the opposite of coming to life - it was like losing all my senses, one sensory neuron at a time.

I think when I met you, I forgot to breathe.

You clogged my arteries with uncontrolled blood flow in and out the aorta, damaged my liver with unknown levels of intoxication and broke my indestructible walls. My bubble was penetrated and suddenly, I was bare - exposed - vulnerable, in a matter of minutes.

I think when I met you, I forgot to breathe.

You drowned me in music, waltzed me into a dream and ensured that I spend this lifetime reliving that one night, over and over in my head just because of its indescribable serendipity. I couldn't ever forget what I felt through every second of the night that changed my life forever.

I think when I met you, I forgot to breathe.

For once, I fell in love almost instantly. There was no pre-contemplation, no afterthought, nothing at all. I just fell in all the way before realization could hit me or reality could pull me back from your strong hold. Your grip on my present never did loosen.

I think when I met you, I forgot to breathe.

But then again what good is breathing in a prison? And that's what you were building for me isn't it? A prison of every moment spent with you because you knew that night that this feeling that I was committing to, was temporary - you knew that soulmates aren't meant to be.

I think when I met you, I forgot to breathe.

But now that I've met him, breathing, like living, comes easy.
However I wouldn't know its importance if it weren't for you.

Thank you for being the love that got away, because it wasn't the love I needed.
Thank you for suffocating me to the point that there was no option but to let the air inside my lungs.

And boy, is it good to breathe... 

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Caged, by love.

Dear Lover,

I've moved away and lately I feel I shouldn't have. Though this is a dream come true, this is breaking us and I suddenly don't know what matters more... My dreams, or us. It shouldn't have to be a battle between the two but the circumstances will it and here we are. Stronger than ever, we say. Then why does it feel nothing like it?

Why do I feel like I know lesser and lesser about what happened in your life, with every passing day? Why am I certain that you hold off certain words and cut off you sentences midway because you know I'll be hurt? Why do I not voice my irritation anymore because I'm too afraid and tired for a fight?

Everyone is priming me for it - the schedule, the seniors, the teachers. They are all much wiser and they have all been here much longer. But they have never seen us, have they? I want to tell them that! That they need to see Rain & Thunder to understand how we function differently; how we're destined to make it.

Except we're not.

We're just pretending these days, aren't we? Pretending to be happy? Pretending to hold on? Pretending that this works? And who am I to say anything really when I am too afraid to even try, when I'm so eager to let go. The ambiguity of us doesn't sit well with me and you know I am all for plans and lists and execution. However you live day-to-day. Planning ahead, laying down a map for our future (while exciting for me) is too much of a task for you. And hence the wild spirit becomes the eternal chain.

She stops you from pursuing your life's dreams. She puts restrictions on your time line. She demands and demands and demands. Never fully accepting that this will never be the life that you really want. She's made you so afraid to want even. You're afraid to want because the eventuality in which you don't get it is catastrophic. So you keep wanting the easy... You keep wanting her.

Relationships are addictive for this very reason. They make life easy. It's easy to want her, need her, love her even. It's the unpredictable that's more difficult. It's the possibility of a future with everything you ever dreamed of that's bloody terrifying. 

So, you've stopped dreaming. But she's still a dreamer. She still wants. She still aches at the absence of your want. Her desires are insatiable, and yours so very minimalist that they make her feel like a phony in her own eyes. She grapples and struggles with the myriad possibilities, building them up for you, hoping against hope that something catches your fancy - she doesn't even mind if it's across the universe, just as long as it's your want. Because frankly she is burdened by being your only desire.

Tu koi aur hai... Jaanta hai tu...
Saamne iss jahan ke... Ik nakaab hai...
Tu aur hai... Koi aur hai...
Kyun nahi woh, jo hai...

She dreams of breaking free, not because she has grown accustomed to a life without you, she never could. But because she's horrified about what comes after... What happens when the music stops playing and we're left out in the cold? 

Tu jahaan ke vaste, khud ko bhul kar...
Apne hi saath na, aise zulm kar...
Khol de woh  girah, jo lagaye tujhpe tu...
Bolde tu koi aur hai...

She dreams of a happily ever after and tragically now that she has seen a glimpse of it, with you, she will never settle for lesser. This compromise of a dream that life seems to be offering her, was never and will never be enough. 'Nice' has never cut it, she likes to be maddened by desire, taken over by passion and drowned by love. And this alter-ego of yours may fool the world but it will never fool her. Your pretense will always be washed away by rain. It's heartbreaking really since you are quite the actor.

Chehre jo, odhe tune woh,
Tere kahan hai?

So let's give up? We're playing a losing hand here. Fate, circumstances, little lion man and now even parts of us are working against us. I would fight to keep the dream alive except I don't think we're dreaming the same dream anymore. We're under the same sky you and I, just miles away from the horizon we planned on conquering when we first set out to write our legend in blood and tears. I guess the tears will still pave way for many a stories though. After all, unfulfilled loves can make great love stories only as long as they are unfulfilled. 

Saamne aa khol de sab...
Jo hai dil mein, bol de ab.