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Friday, December 23, 2011

To the year that was.

So it's December and about time I stepped back and reminisced a little about the year that's almost over, and be grateful. December's like my own personal thanksgiving (and despite Murphy, I do have a lot to be thankful for) and even though I've lost somethings, I still have others. Instead of acknowledging people this year, I'm doing dates which made me happy/sad beyond measure or left an impact in general. Anyone who doesn't know me, disclaimer, this might make for a boring read. However if you do know me, or once did, read along.

:Timeline 2011:
1st Jan: For my Parents. I can't think of a better date to get married. The whole world celebrates it, literally. And as anti the whole institution of an indian marriage as I am, it gives me immense happiness that my parents completed x number of years together. It's been quite a journey. Loveyoubothtobits!

14th Jan: For Sankrant, among other things. My favourite sankrant till date and the best last day I could have asked for after a brilliant vacation. Thankyou, you. For one month of smiles and an almost surprise (sorry it's just impossible to surprise me completely :P)

22nd Jan: For Rastogi, the complete asshole that he is. He turned godknowshowoldthisday (uncle!). He gets more irritating by the day but he'll always be something to me. What that something is, neither of us knows but whatever it is, I'm glad he's a part of my dramatic life. He adds humour to the tale, and a considerable amount of it at that.

14th Feb: For Snigdha. This is when after a lot of inboxing, we started becoming closer than ever and it became a necessity to talk to each other everyday or something just felt amiss. It's still a necessity. I hope the love and the gossip never dies :P


9th March: For Garv. We finally became normal and let go. You were my first and nothing can take that away. We're not one of those tragic couples anymore who forget everything when they break up. We remember and we smile, at last. Thank you for realizing I'm not half as bad as I come off at most times. And welcome back to my life.

7th April: For that Manila thief. It hit me that I'm just a stranger here and always will be. This is not my place, not my people and when I scream for help, nobody's got my back. I need to have my guard up, even in my sleep.

13th April: For India and seeing a loved one. The first breath of my country and I'm done for. The heat, the squabble, the indian rubber time. There's nothing like coming back. And nothing like coming to meet someone. Everything, every fight can dissolve, just if I get to see you and hug you.

14th April: For The Scientist. It'll be my favourite moment when I was asked, "So, can I have this dance?" and the soundtrack was my favourite song in the world by Chris Martin. It still is like having found the missing part of an impossible puzzle. Five minutes, three seconds of untainted, unconditional, pure, unasked bliss. Because sometimes people may surprise you and sometimes, just sometimes they may even take your breath away.

15th April: For Papa. I surprised him on this date and his expression was classic, so worth all the trouble I went through. He couldn't believe I was actually there, right in front of him and was truly stumped. I love you Dad, you're my hero, forever.

18th April: For Anirudh. He came into my life like a strong breeze, left everything in disarray and toppled my world upside down. This is the date I knew he'd always mean something to me, despite the jerk he is. Because he knows the worst things about me and it's somehow still okay.

23rd April: For Love. When I felt I was incapable of being loved, for letting me know you did love me despite rules and lines and conditions and boundaries and other immaterial things. I needed it.

27th April: For a non-teary Goodbye to Jaipur. This is the last I saw of Mom, Dad and Doll. No tears. And it's just such a happy image in my head. We have grown up it seems, eh Doll? It led to a perfect airport day and an easy farewell in general. Your smiles give me strength.

28th April: For realization and the inability to voice it, just yet. But then more than words is all it takes at times..


1st May: For the ILoveYou. There's more to add here but just these three words, however over-used or un-felt, they meant the world to me, even if I was a coward to tell you how much exactly.

24th May: For the Last Goodbye.
'Jisko hai kho jaana, woh milta hi kyun hai?'
I didn't know it then but it really was the end of a friendship and an affection that had lasted across distance for years. Love is temporary, I always knew that, but you proved friendship and promises are too. Thanks for helping me learn a known lesson I'd forgotten.

25th May: For Life. Despite everything, I'm glad something went wrong two years back, and that I lived to see this day. Having seen an almost end makes me stronger and ensures I never bail out on life again. Not till I've made something of myself atleast and put a gigantic grin of pride on my parents' faces.


18th June: For Facebook's Relationship Status option :P
I didn't know I'd ever have what it takes to tell the world, fuck you all, I love him and nothing else matters. A commitment phobe actually went public. What have you done to me Tiwari? :P

21st June: For Medicine. I will prove the world wrong. I will be a good, no scratch that, I will be an awesome doctor. My reasons remain mine alone but this promise I shall keep, you'll see.

1st July: For Kartik, a friend I used to have. He was one of the best guys I ever knew and he stood by me through a lot of shit. (Probably because he didn't know the details about a lot of it now I feel, but still). He was my first dancing partner, my favourite guy friend, and someone who was my permanent emergency dial since I trusted him with my life. I don't know where I lost him but the boy I knew and loved, isn't there anymore. But this friend I lost? He was one of the best and whatever time we did get to spend together, I'm grateful for it and for him. I told him once, "you're one of the good ones you know." He really was. And the first of every July, I'll think of the friend I had and this memory of him that nothing can taint.

8th July: For Birthdays. I love them. I used to love planning for them and buying ohsomany gifts and making huge ass cards and writing trashy emo letters and and, faking being surprised when people tried desperately over the years to give me one. Heh. Since I wrote a post thanking everyone who made it special at the time, this sums it up. Eight means meee :D
Ps. Just because I'm not around doesn't mean you guys don't owe me presents bytheway :P

15th July: For Adhiraj 2. The sweet boy that he is and the friend that he became after a half-shared menthol and some twenty minutes of a ride together. I don't say it often but you're someone I care about. Always will :)

21st July: For Soulmates. I'm glad they exist and I'm glad I found mine. That's what you are and that's what you'll always be. Even when we've grown real old, I'll introduce you as this and make you do the same if all the hallucinogens in the world make you forget that :P
Oh and you better keep that room for me in your house or you're dead meat.


7th August: For Noriel. My pretty much only friend in class. For making lectures a little bearable and helping me out in keeping me informed about what the fuck is up in college! It would be even harder if he wasn't around and he probably won't be next year. And I know how it works, people don't exactly stay in touch but I'll miss him. A whole lot.
Ps. Also, for not hitting on me! Phew.


18th September: For Exclusivity. Because the thought of having to share you kills me; even though you'll always be mine in a way you can never be anybody else's. And even though this is the hardest thing I'll ever do, I will wait for you.

19th September: For Shail, my Yang.
All those times when she thinks her words don't have an impact on me, they actually do. She reads all the crap I write, she awkwardly hugs me back when I randomly envelope her in my arms, she stands up for me, she takes me for a younger sister and gives me someone to look up to, she patiently listens to me whine and she kind of even spoils me. We watch sitcoms together, smoke together, drink together. We're pretty much stuck together :P
And I love the fact that I'm stuck to her of all people.


14th October: For Tears. I'm not really used to people standing up for me, much less people wanting to dislocate someone's jawline on account of my tears. So when I saw him have my back, it felt nice to have someone give a fuck for a change.

15th October: For Acceptance. The people you grew up with, people you stood up for, people you were fond of, can let you down. They can choose to move on and lead a life without you, without even fighting for you (for totally useless reasons bytheway) and you just have to accept it and move the fuck on.

18th October: For the Greater Good. At times someone else's happiness is more important and even if what makes them happy, stabs at you a little bit every day at the very core of your heart, you have to be okay with it. So if me being a little dejected and miserable means you smiling more and not feeling choked by demands then so be it. 'Whatever makes you happy.. Whatever you want..'

2nd November: For my childhood fantasy, ShahRukh Khan. I pledge you my unwavering and undying support, no matter how many RA.Ones you make :P
(Though please don't?)

3rd November: For Adhiraj Singh Rathore, jackass number one. We've been through a lot together and seen each other at our best and worst. We may talk once a month or even lesser but I'm fond of him and he makes me smile for some unknown, unexplained reason. For being my evil-twin, and someone I can't get mad at and who can't stay pissed with me, and my promised EMA. Till death do us part, literally :P

4th November: For Ma. Last year I got myself inked and this year I didn't quite know what to do with myself or for her since nothing and no words will ever be enough. Except maybe the cliché iloveyou. For being my strength,
my mentor, my guide and my friend. There is no one like you across this entire universe. True story.

11th November: For Long-Distance Phone calls. Special thanks, Priyanshi, Radha and Tyagi. Unexpected calls just to hear my voice make my day so much that you wouldn't know. We can obviously never talk enough and my stories are truly unending but even when you call me for five minutes just to see how I'm doing or to say, "heyyy shiwomeee", it leaves me happy beyond measure.
Ps. All the douches who never call, take a hint, pick that phone, dial those digits.

19th November: For Shreiya. We lost touch this year and this is the date, she wrote to me and everything fell into place. The UC still prevails baby and I promise you, we'll always catch up where we left off.

27th November: For Girls' Night. It's a must. No matter how awesome boys are, every once in a while we need to lay back and enjoy a drink or two (or many,many more) without them.

2nd December: For Doll. For our eight years of friendship and the fact that she knows how much I love her. A lot of people forget that because of the shit I tend to do, but she doesn't. And that in itself speaks volume about the trust, bond and affection. This was the first birthday apart and trust me it felt weird to the hilt. I don't need blood to make you my sister man, that one old packet of maggie masala was enough.

4th December: For Loss. Things end, people leave, and we have to say goodbye. If nothing then this date, as the many more before has taught me how to bid adieu to someone I love with a heavy heart and wish them a happy future. Even if that future no longer means a 'we' or an 'us'. Because sometimes letting go is the only way to hold on.

14th December: For Memories. Everyone of them I treasure and hold close to me. And when people become a thing of the past, my past, I hold on to these memories even tighter for now that may be all I have left of them. December reeks of home and home equals you, in more ways than one. I remember you, I remember us, for all the good times. Shit happens but our identity is not the circumstances that tore us apart but the love that kept us together even if just for a day, a month or a year.

17th December: For Patience; which they say is a virtue - but it clearly isn't mine. Nevertheless sometimes all you can do is wait and things do fall into place. We may be far from what we want, I'm not even sure we want the same things from each other, but I believe we'll get there some day, wherever it is, even though I'll never do what you want me to and you never listen to me anyway.

25th December: For Christmas.
'I look up, you're standing next to me, what a feeling'..
I'll make for an awesome Santa know? :P

I love this year. I kinda had to.
2011- It adds up to four. Our number. Us.
It's taught me a lot, you've all taught me a lot.
2011 - What a year it's been. Let's see it off in style!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I'm a dreamer so maybe I just dreamt it all. Imagined you, my version of you, and just believed in it. In you. I imagined that you loved me, and that you meant what you said. I thought you'd be happiest when you're with me, and miss me when I'm not around. I believed that you wouldn't let anything tear us apart, least of all your ego, and that you'd never let a tear roll down my face. I felt like you cared about me and no matter how crazy my whim, you'd gladly give in.

But this is all me. Maybe I am just a dreamer and you were just a dream because I wake up and you're gone. All I'm left with is the silence of these winds that engulf me. You are still my favourite dream and I look forward to meeting you each night, like a little kid who cares not about what a candy does to his health, but just wants it for it's sour-sweet taste; like an addict who knows somewhere deep down that the drug's killing him but he takes one last shot anyway, because he's hooked and can't bear to stay away; like a wave who hits a rock, which is rigid and refuses to move but it gets hurt, recedes, then comes back aching for more.

You break me and hurt me and maybe this is the you I'm supposed to be seeing but I don't. This is not the you I see in my head when I close my eyes. And for that image in my head, I'd do anything. For that smile, for those eyes. Because I meant every word I ever said to you and maybe just maybe you meant a few of them too. Or maybe I imagined those words and promises also, just like everything else about you and us.

Yes I'm a dreamer so maybe I imagined the perfection, the chemistry, maybe even the love. Maybe it was just me all along. But was it really? When did you fade away from my reality? Were you walking away all this while that I was taking steps towards you? Am I reaching out for hands that are not there? Am I in love with someone who doesn't care about my existence?

Is my favourite dream turning into my worst nightmare? Or has it been that all along?

Saturday, December 17, 2011

"Close your eyes."
"Just close them."
"But why?"
"Stop killing the moment?"
"Stop keeping me in the dark."
"Okay. Now what?"
"Recall your happiest memory. Imagine it down to the tiniest detail. Don't leave out anything."

Closed my eyes and did just that. Painted that image. Eager to share it with you, I blinked to reality. But you'd gone. Only a note remained.
"I wish you the best life ahead. I could never make you truly happy. Don't come looking for me. You're better off without me. Move on."

My happiest memory was with you. If only you had stayed and listened.. If only you had dreamt this dream with me..

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


We met as bare acquaintances and you touched my soul. I never knew you'd grow to mean the world to me, but you did. And in a short time you defined bits of this world, took them up for your own. I never complained, just gave you a little more each day. Something so beautiful could never go wrong. Innocent coffees and moonlit walks. I shivered and stumbled but you steadied and warmed me. I was a different me when I was with you. I guess it wasn't me at all.. Just you, all you. Your radiance reflected on me and made me shine bleakly too. The sky and the shore came together. And in fragments, my life became perfect.

Then we said goodbye. And the threads I was holding on to, fell lose all at once. I came spinning down, drowsy with memories, starving for more. I'm still trying to make my life perfect. But the only way to do it anymore is to cut out parts of my day and paste my past into the nights. And as I photoshop your smile into my life, I know I'll never be the same again. For you changed me, forever.

~Because coming together means falling apart.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


She went running, for she loved to run. She started running at an early age and she would run fast and far, always. Her breath had started failing her now but her steps never did. She would stumble in her routine life but when she ran, there was not a more soothing sight. The feet fell into place always, the hands were unnecessary, the hair that she wasn't fond of would be tied back and only fresh air would touch her face. 

And so she ran, away and beyond or towards, she knew not. She ran as far as her feet would take her and then grudgingly walked back for even she grew tired and her body loved to not do her bidding. 

Splashes of water on her face, a long sip to quench her thirst and she made way for her bed. Fumbled a bit in the dark, her elegance lost now and climbed under covers to ignore what lay ahead; she couldn't be less bothered. All days fused into one as she found means to keep herself entertained in the land of the dead.

A hand reached out from behind her and she turned over, alarmed, more than anything else. But even in the dark, her skin knew his touch and his breath. Had she fallen asleep long enough to dream? She wanted to drown him with a million questions but he beat her to it; he drowned her with a kiss. He whispered so softly in her ear that she might not have heard him at all, but she did, "I've been waiting for you for so long.."

As his voice faded off, she lay there thinking and speaking to his ghost. 
"I'm waiting too baby, I'm waiting too."

5 am conversations.

5.30 a.m.
She answers the phone on the fifth ring, and mumbles a hello. She didn't open her eyes or glance at the number, just mentally cursed the person for dialing her digits at such a godforsaken hour.


And now she slaps herself mentally for having ever cursed this call for even a second.

"What's up?"
"Nothing.. Just wanted to hear your voice."

They fall into a pattern and talk until his balance is exhausted. But they're not done yet so she calls back. And they talk until he's too sleepy to form sentences anymore. He took away her sleep but she doesn't complain because she promised to always be there. She whispers somethings and hangs up, unwillingly. And when finally sleep does grace her again, he's her last conscious thought and her first subconscious dream. Because she's convinced that it's not a one-way street and he cares too.


5.21 a.m.
"Don't you ever sleep?"
"Heh.. not much anymore. Um.. how is he?"

She listens to his friend tell her insignificant details about him and tries to conjure up in her head as to how he really must be doing. When she's dying to ask other, more important and meaningful stuff, all she does is listen to these things which are totally immaterial. Because she still cares. That was always her problem. And even though he promised he always would, he's forgotten about her with an ease she thought wasn't possible.


5.43 a.m.
"Goodnight baby.."

Funny enough or maybe it's irony, he's slept already. She's the only one awake and she battles insomnia due to an "unfinished us" as she terms it. I'll kiss you goodmorning when you do wake up, she thinks to herself. Just dream of me and I'll be here when you open you eyes. Because when all of this is over, she knows now she'll still care. And he never did.
So she whispers an iloveyou in her head, gets back to her book, and hugs her bunny a little tighter, trying to tell herself she's not a fool for caring.
Even though she is. Even though she always has been.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


You know I plan. It's an inherent habit and not one that bleeds out of my skin ever despite many a lesson by Murphy. I look forward to things enough to jinx them eventually. Over a period of time, this has eventually made me apprehensive. About anything good. But planning is in my bones. It's in the essence of everything I ever do.

It doesn't help when these plans turn to nothing but they give me something to look forward to. And I was looking forward to this wedding a lot, for a long time. Now it'll pass me by, with not so much as a second to remember it by. All those songs we were meant to dance together on, the alcohol I was supposed to sneak in, the tears I was to help you not cry and the hot boys we were to flirt with without being caught doing the same.

Maybe in another lifetime.

I was striding towards December with blinders on until now, but now that it's here, what do I do with it? It brings with it this feeling of an immeasurable loss. Everyone's calling it the Friday of the year. But I know once you finally reach it, Monday's never far behind and it sneaks up on you, sooner than you expect it to.

Have I lost my winter even before it had the chance grace me with it's chills? Have I lost you even before I got to be held in your arms and look in those eyes, one last time? Did I make all these plans, all my life to watch them burn to ashes before they could even come alive?

Friday, December 2, 2011

Every moment.

"Somebody told me, this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe."

When we moved to Vaishali, I thought it was a sad, sad decision. It was so far from school, Dad had never liked the safety of the area and none of my friends lived there. I knew it was going to be a long, constant feud with my parents in case of parties and permissions and a lot of other stuff. But I loved the tiny flat somehow, so I didn't complain. Not much anyway. It all happened too fast and by the time I realized, it was actually happening, it was done, we had moved.

I still remember the first time I saw you, you were sitting alone by the window in that Red Roadways Bus. I had a friend or two in that bus already and they acquainted us over a few songs. You didn't speak much, you were the silent kinds but I talked enough for the both of us. Soon, our common love for music, food, shouting at the top of our lungs, standing by the door of the bus, made us friends. Just like that.

Your old friends, my old friends, all faded as slowly yet gradually we started growing closer. Thankfully for us, the annoying ones left the bus and soon it was just us two. Sometimes I'd drag Devanshi out of her bookworm shell and make her sit with us. In time, she learned to enjoy us more than her books as well. Our bond was unexplained and yet, rock solid. We'd argue with everyone but each other somehow, with you I never even have the 'Reddies are better' debate much :P

From early morning breakfast that I'd hand to you, to the after school ice-cream you'd save for me, there were certain unsaid traditions that formed on their own. I came back from class one day whining about no sisters since it was sisters' day the next day. The first thing I saw on you the next day, was a silly little card made out of maggie-masala packets, and a smile which said "you're my sister." And then on, we were sisters. Just like that.

Our traditions ran deep too. You always took the window seat, I took the aisle. When we were standing near the door I took this one corner and you took the other. When we threw chalks at people, I broke the pieces as you aimed and hit, almost never missing. I chose the lame ass songs and you sung them with me. Whether it was a bad morning at home or a terrible day at school, when we were together, it all melted down to nothing. I'd see your tears at times in the morning and rare as they were, you'd usually never tell me why they were rolling down those cheeks. My hand would find yours and in a while, you'd stop to sob. I was different that way. When I cried, I would rant and rant as to why, crying in your chest like a baby and you'd shush me and bitch about whoever it was that made me cry. Somewhere along the line, your shoulder became my favourite in the world, one where all my troubles would end.

When I am asked as to how we became friends by people, I tell them, we shared the same bus and they give me a zapped expression. Whenever I make new friends or meet new people, the first thing they find out about me is my best friend, Doll. I talk about you incessantly now that you're not around. About us, and all the crazy shit we did together (and boy! there's a lot!). My childhood is made of you, so is my adolescence. You stood up for me at a time when it was taboo to even look in my direction. To your seniors, our seniors, whoever the fuck. You made me a part of your group when I was walking around alone with nobody for company. You took my word on everything and supported my most irrational whims and adamant decisions. Everytime Garv was mean, (and that is a countless number), your house is where my steps led me, your digits the number I always dialled. It amazed everyone as to how even after a day spent with you, we still found it in us to talk for hours.

Your house became my home, your family, mine. You've given me so much that I don't think I can ever thank you enough. As for me? I've given you all your crazy memories, all your firsts. I would name them but the list's too long and they are etched in our mind too well anyway. You're still someone I don't mind getting yelled at for, and still my little sister whom nobody else can tell what to do, except me. I believe in your right to life, right to fuck up and fall and then the strength in you to stand up and hold your head high again. Through all of this, I will be there. Yeah doll, I will always be there.

Maybe just in words, for physical presence is an impossible as of now. I am reminded so horribly of last year when we were together, this time. But I promise you, there will come a time, when no matter where I am in the world, I will come to you, every second of december. Because even at your worst, you've been better than every douche, bitch and so-called best friend I've ever known. When we fought and spat venom at each other  you still walked with me and your house was still my comfort zone.

Why do all good things come to an end? I don't know baby.. You've asked me this repeatedly over the years but I can tell you this, there is no end to us. As I quote Kite Runner to you over and over again, I know not which I am, Amir or Hassan for my love for you is pure like the latter's but I am a selfish bitch like the former. I've hurt you when I promised I never would when you only made me love the decision my parents took so long back. You made Vaishali my home. The streets, the coffee shops, the ice-cream parlous, the theaters, every nook and corner of that locality, screams with so many memories and almost all of them, have us.

If I could, I'd write down every moment with you, because they're all so beautiful and cherished. If I could, I'd explain to you just how much I miss you and how my thoughts stay with you. If I could, I'd tell you I take you as my blood, I feel your pain and I would kill for you.

You're my little sister, my person. I love you.
You're there when nobody else is and I'm sorry for I expect a tad too much from you but then it's not my fault really, you've made me too used to the perfection of us.

So Priyamvada, that place where everything's better and everything's safe? It's with you. Anywhere in the world.

Happy Birthday Rats.
I promise you, an eternity of me. And you know I keep my words.

With more love than you can imagine,