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Monday, January 31, 2011

Rain.


He woke up with a start. He kind of wished he'd dreamt last night, but as he pushed his quilt off, he realized it was no dream. This was the reality that was going to change him forever. He buried himself under the blanket once more.

She looked out the window. She could hear the waves fall and rise, evenly. She could hear them steadily crash against the rock and then recede. She could hear birds chirping in the background and she could see daylight spread all over her room. She knew she needed to get up and turn the light off, the one which had been on all night since no sleep had graced her.

He dressed in a hurry, bumping into his friend but not saying much and skipping breakfast. He slid his things in his bag and paced out the door, afraid to make eye contact with anyone, even his own reflection.

She lay in bed, skipping her daily chores, her meals, her life. She opened the laptop and stared at the screen which had separated her from him. She put on music but as always it ended up messing with her brain rather than sort it.

He went through the whole day, absent minded, kind of in a parallel world. He kept looking at his phone beeping and flashing her name. He ignored it everytime. He did want to talk, it wasn't that, but he didn't have the words.

She eventually did get herself out from under the covers and the warmth of her sheets. She lit one smoke after the other, each time stealing glances at the phone. Every red light and she rushed to check who it was. It was never him.

He came back home, with no appetite for anything. He needed sleep. It had been the longest day he'd had in a while. She sat in the balcony, staring at the stars, wishing for a miracle.

When he woke up, he went for a shower. He needed to shake it all off.
As she sat on still in the same balcony she had sat in all evening, unmoving, her breathing the only constant in her life besides tears, she felt the raindrops bless her burning skin.

And as she looked over the balcony, at the ground, estimating the distance in the middle, in that one second, as he showered, she felt the rain take her some place else, transport her to her land of dreams somehow. For that one second, that one tiny millisecond of this never-ending day, she felt near him.

She walked back in, shaking off the smoke, rain and disturbing thoughts from her body. It was too soon to give up, just yet.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Martyrs' Day.

If it's possible,
I miss Gandhi.

I'll tell you all more about him some day. But today, I just miss him.
And him.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Because there's nothing surgery can do,
when you break my heart into two.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Scared.

None of us know what we want from our lives. We're all just a bunch of nobodies, running around scared. Scared of the the future, scared of what is to come, scared of the world, scared of ourselves. It's difficult to just let it all be. We expect, we destroy.

I'm scared too. I don't expect people to get it, but I am. Medicine scares the shit out of me. What if I don't make it? Failure, another big fear. The biggest perhaps. Of growing up and failing my parents. My boyfriend scares the crap out of me too. But well, that's just the complexities I'm born with.

At the end of the day, all you have to do is kick that fear and have faith.
Even if things go wrong, I just need to be able to tell myself at night that I tried my best.
And now I finally can.

People don't get it, they don't get me and it's fine.
Judge me, roll your eyes at me, or sympathize.. whichever,
I know I tried my best.
And now, that is all that matters to me anymore.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Thank you.

They say when you gain a lover,
You begin to lose a friend.
That's the end of the beginning's,
The beginning of the end.
They say the moment that you're born,
Is when you start to die..
And the first time that we said hello,
Began our last goodbye.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Patience.

"Shh.. it's okay baby. You don't need to cry. I'm there, I'll always be there.
It's me, remember? Come on now, I hate the teary-weepy you. You don't look nice at all.
Shhh now. It wasn't your fault. You think I don't know it? Of course I do.
I do still love you baby.
I always have, I always will.
See? I'm not afraid to say it anymore.
Smile?"

I will wait till the silence changes to these words.
Or I will wait for you to walk out.
The more time that passes us by, the more the latter seems possible; but I don't hold that against you either. We'll recover from this, I know. Maybe just as friends. But you'll still have me in your life. Because I meant those three small tiny little words.

I'm just not sure I'll have you in mine anymore.

But well hey, who said love was about being greedy and selfish?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Because mothers know all the right things to say.


One Rainy day a mother hurried to pick up her son from school.
She was thinking he'll fear the lightning that was striking the sky.
On the way she found him smiling,
at the sky for every strike of lightning.

She asked him what he was doing.
He smiled and said "GOD" is taking my photo Mum.
I have to look good
Attitude is all that matters.

- Ma

Saturday, January 22, 2011

KARTIK FUCKING BHATIA.

I keep on running, keep on running
And nothing works
I can't get away from you, no.

I keep on ducking, keep on ducking
And nothing helps
I can't stop missing you, yeah.



- Kid Cudi

You.

And just when I was at my worst, you found me and brought me home. You didn't give up when I couldn't walk properly. You held my hand and saw me through. You weren't impatient when old snaps reduced me to tears. You rocked me back and forth until tears gave way to a stuttering smile. You didn't get mad when I stared into space, at nothing and everything. You nursed me back to health. You were the life-jacket when all I wanted was to drown.

I lost hope on myself a little too often but you never gave up on me. Your consistent faith in me reassured me that maybe I was worth something after all. People walked out, but you were there all through to help me recover from the setbacks.

We've been through a lot last year baby.. But somehow I feel we're closer than ever before. It's now that we know each other through and through. You know it, I know it. We're going to see forever together. The jokes will never grow old and no matter what part of the world we're in, we'll be reminded of each other in anything and everything.

Thank you.
For never leaving; that's something I would have said last year.
Instead,
I want to say thank you for staying. I hope I was worth your time.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

You'll never read it and you'll never know.

your name I traced over and over again on a piece of paper. with blue ink and black ink and some ink that was red. I thought of the times we spent walking together, talking of nothing but us and what the future would bring and caring not who glared. Your voice I heard in broken milliseconds and it felt like it had been an era since I'd heard it; it would be another before I get to hear it again. I tried to play just one song that was ours but you were everywhere last night, in my dreams, in my bed, in my thoughts. I was drenched in you and your scent, I was drenched in you.

did you lie awake thinking of me too? across all these miles, was it me you thought of before turning the lights off? are you happy I'm gone or do you miss me like I miss you? did you ever for a moment think of me like I thought of you.

I turned over and hugged myself since I can't collapse into you anymore. your steady arms aren't around anymore and that's why I need to be strong for myself. I looked around and I could not find a picture of you, not a single one pasted on these pale blue walls. But I didn't have to look too long for you are etched in my memory, way too deep to ever be erased, way too permanent for me to need to look anywhere else.

I lit a smoke in your memory, in our memory and could almost see you roll your eyes at me.
You were a good teacher baby, I just never learnt well enough.
Life would have gone a lot differently if I had.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I am aching for your voice.
All over again.
Damn.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Happy one month?

Someone once told me, never expect anything from anyone. And this was a warning repeated to me once too often. But I am of a stubborn make, I don't listen easy. My only rule in life is perhaps, to make exceptions to these rules. Hence, I made not one, but one too many exceptions to this one too.

They came, they hurt, they left.
But no, this is not when I gave up, nope.
I continued to tread on this path which I was sure led somewhere. I was certain to find that one person who would prove the world wrong, and me right. And the best part is I thought I had finally found him.

I spent an entire day planning tonight and tomorrow.
Every second of fourteenth was important to me, I wanted it to play out just as I'd imagined it. I ensured no roadblocks came my way. But when your life is a fucking roadblock, then all you get are dead ends.

I landed at another one tonight.
I'll always remember this, and how you killed it, first by walking away from it way too soon, before it even happened actually and then caring too less to even bother enough to make it slightly special for us, if not for me.
I miss the boy I fell in love with.
Because what you make me feel right now is just pure pain, hurt and of course, the warmth of my own tears.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Rats,

The sun will shine and we'll be bright.
Together.

The rain in which we got drenched,
will bless us once more.

The winter in which you shared my muffler,
shall grace us again.

The songs we sang,
the lyrics we memorized,
will find their way back to us.

The dances we danced,
the steps you taught me,
will echo in all the tunes.

Time will be ours again.
We will be together again.

And this time, I wouldn't go.

New year resolutions.

What if I were to get alzheimer's some day? If I were to wake up and forget all of you? All of this?
I like to believe that's untrue but what if I am one of the hundred that this disease does strike.
What would I miss knowing the most?

I'd miss not responding to my mother's hug, even though the warmth with which she hugs even a stranger would be enough to want me to hug her back, but still.
I'd miss not being at the other end of a debate with my father and winning, mostly because he lets me and occasionally because I happen to know a shit.
I'd miss not reminiscing about 2008, what a year that was. What a year that'll always be!
I'll especially miss not being Meow. It would kill Rats to look at me and find a stranger stare back at her. I was the only one who always promised to be there and never change and if I were to disappoint her, I know she would never forgive me.
I'd miss not being forever in touch with Shreiya, telling her every tiny detail of my life and listening to hers.
I'd also miss not knowing what the ink on my back reads. Yes, that would kill me and drive me insane.
I'd miss knowing him (2008), and him (2009), AND HIM (2010-eternity?). In that order, and with that much importance.

I would hate being a stranger to all those I love, I would loathe for them to not be able to reach out to me. But I also know that they'd try. I know all the above said, with the exception of two hims and a few others, would give their life trying to bring me back.

That's what distance does. It makes you believe.
When you come back and see how some things have completed changed and how somethings never, ever will, you realize who has got your back. I had a lot of friends and family and relatives when I left, but at some level I was always alone. That's not the case anymore.

I have very few people. And yet, alone is the one thing I'm not.
 - You know who you are, and you know how much I love you with each passing day.
Time might have failed us and december may have flown by, but no matter where I am, December will always remind me of you.

 - I used to be insecure. I can't promise much, at some level I always will be but I have faith now when you tell me you love me, rare as that is, I know how you mean it and I know that words fail you, words fail us, but we'll not fail each other.

 - And you, my love, my Ma, I will make you proud.
This year, I will make you proud.

I may or may not remember this or it or us if I get ill, but when your hands trace mine, when I fit into your hugs and when you keep my head on your shoulder, I'll know that this is where I belong.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Time never stops.

No matter how much you beg and plead.
No matter how many fits of anger and tantrums you throw.
It all ends.

New things may begin,
but for now,
it feels like the end.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The wait.

She's been used to it all.
The pain, the hurt, all of it.

She wakes up and looks around at the empty bed. She wishes there were creases on the other side of it, his side of it. She dreams of waking up in his arms and smelling of him. She recalls him inhaling her hair and holding her close.

She drives and reminisces of the rides they had together. She stops the car to clear her head and goes for a walk to nowhere. But walks were their thing too. She misses his hand in hers. She realizes she needs to switch the ignition on and turn away.

She comes back to a lonely house with darkness for company. She looks at the love letters he'd written for her. The words seemed so distant now.. so insincere. They no longer meant anything, they were just a false reassurance of a past never to embrace her again now.

She answers the phone on the second ring when he calls, right before midnight.
"Happy Anniversary."
She contemplates if this is a gesture or a compulsion. She spares herself the misery and says, "Oh, how much I love you."
The line disconnects.

She'll wait for him to say it back.
I'll wait for you to say it back.

My first this year, my first for you.

In circles and spirals and whirls of each other
we dissolve, we fall, we rise.
we destroy, we create.
tonight.
In the mist and fog and drizzle from above
we melt, we burn, we smile.
we laugh and then we cry.
today.
we mourn not what has passed,
because we know not what is yet to come.