In the fog of, what is right, I have not given into what I want - for incredibly long (378 days, give or take) - and even when I did, it was nearly not what I ever wanted to say. See, that's another thing I do. I hide, and I run, and I pretend like I'm strong - long enough for it to fool you (never me).
However, the turn of events in the recent past have left me craving your voice. It's not sentimentality - and it's definitely not longing - it's just that you were there at the inception of this dream and it's just, ironic, that you're not anymore.
All the things that went wrong, I take responsibility for (at least in part) but this silence that we're stuck in - that's on you darling. I know why it exists - maybe it's punishment for both of us for being as reckless as we were with something as great - but it is in moments like this, I am tempted to break it, consequences be damned.
Because it wasn't just love ever was it? You saw me - for the very first time - and just for a split second I believed in myself. I thought, I was good enough, I mattered, I would live on to inspire. And somewhere if I'm introspective, I think the silence takes that away from me - if you don't see me like that anymore - I have trouble believing in it myself even when people I adore and admire, tell me to, repeatedly. If your belief didn't last, how dare mine? Am I really that self-indulgent?
The worst thing however is that after over two years of disbelief, something big enough has happened to convert even a skeptic like myself. I want to tell you all about it, so bad. Not because you deserve any credit, even I'm not that deluded. But because I know you'll smile - you'll be happy for me to have achieved my dream. You'll be... proud? And while it shouldn't matter to me because you've not been a part of my journey for so long, I still find myself wanting to tell you.
I guess you weren't in my top 10 calls... But now I seem to have crossed my top 50, and it's daunting on me that a very important name has been omitted by me. While you strive for us to be remember each other poorly, and observe hate-norms from opposite sides of the world, I like to remember what we added to each other's lives... Or at least what you did to mine.
I'm sorry I constantly fail at hating you, because that is just not something I'm comfortable with, despite all your schemes and plans - and I think that's why I feel constant salt is added to the injury that should have healed long ago.
I have forgiven you for the end, everything that followed, and the silent hate that you exude towards me. I have moved on and started believing that I deserve love and good things in life. I find myself in love, filled with hope and success, and second-guessing myself, much lesser than before. I do find myself believing in myself (even if rarely), in him (even if constant belief is terrifying) and in love (even though that's the scariest of them all).
I have come really close to calling you this past week but I think the only thing that's held me back is that...
I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
You're not my homeland anymore
So what am I defending now?
You were my town, now I'm in exile, seeing you out
I think I've seen this film before
So I'll continue to follow the rules you made, that I never believed in, because I don't think either of us can now bear a reality in which the other isn't exiled.
PS: All I wanted to say over the call was: I did it, finally! So long and thanks for all the fish :')
