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Monday, November 28, 2011

What does it take to come alive?

She walked to the cliff, stronger this time. It would set her free. She would set herself free tonight. She sat at the edge listening to all her favourite songs. Music was the answer, always. But what when music led you to the same person over and over again?

"Then maybe you're supposed to walk to them" said a little voice in her head. She drowned that voice with a hard shot of scotch. Her instincts weren't hers. They'd not been hers for long now. Ever since she met him really..

And she swung another long sip just as her mind started to wander towards him. There wasn't possibly enough whiskey in the world to make her forget him. A few drinks down though, the music called to her soul and she found herself swaying at the edge. She took a step back, she was waiting for the perfect time.

The sunset was an unseeming purple. Or maybe it was just her imagination playing with her mind again. She'd been forging reality for so long now, she'd grown accustomed to hallucinations. And tonight she would get high, her first and last time, know once and for all what it felt like. She looked on and saw the sun going down, the sun had gone down on her such a long time ago.

Very soon now, she thought to herself.

The alcohol ran out on her, too soon, before nightfall had hit her properly but she'd been prepared for this. She traced her way back to the car, found another bottle and smashed this one to bits. The splintering sound of glass on hard rock was the last thing she heard before she hit "play" for what she knew would be the last song.

As luck would have it, she found Martin singing to her, telling her what a shame it was for them to part. Sigh, so be it. The sky had turned a blissful black now, and there was a star shining diagonally across her in the distance, just one, and she closed her eyes. The beat found her feet and she danced her way to the very tip again. She didn't open her eyes for the star seemed to be haunting her with his memory as if he'd followed her up to her mountaintop.

He saw her dancing in the distance, under the moonlit sky. If only she knew how beautiful she looked just slowly moving there. He would have gladly stood there all night, and for many more nights to come but he knew any second now she could make one wrong step and she'd cross over, once and for all. He'd not looked back since that fateful night but he knew by her words tonight that she was going away, forever and a universe in which there was no possibility of reaching out and meeting her was not one he was willing to accept he realized. So he moved forward. Counting the steps. The fourteenth step, and he could tap her shoulder. And so he did.

She turned around, dazed. She blinked her eyes. It was her vision playing tricks on her again. But she hadn't seen his face this clear for so long now that she stared unabashed. She stared to take it all in. That impeccable jaw line, that lazily maintained goatee, the non-existent cheeks she loved to pull at, those perfect lips, and those heavenly eyes. The eyes is where she stopped. There was something wrong. No twinkle. In her head, his eyes always had that crazy spark.. where was it? She raised her hand and traced it along his face before she accepted that he was here, inches away from her. And then she looked away, embarrassed at how blatantly she'd been staring.

He removed the earplugs from her ears and as she resisted they fell out and the music stopped. Her cigarette case fell off too. He picked it up and slid open the red box over which they'd become acquaintances first. Even he was mildly surprised.

"Really now? Your first without me?" he said inspecting if it had even been rolled properly.
"It's my last too." she whispered, still amazed at the ease at which he had strolled up into her realm once more.

He ignored her, rolled it a bit better and sat down on the rocks.
"What, are you planning to stand all night now?"
She slipped by his side, noticing the uneven surface she'd placed herself on for the first time that night. She was suddenly very aware of her surroundings, of herself. Her strewn hair which she hadn't brushed in days, the eyes which were a dense brown now minus the specs that she had broken in a fit of unexpected rage, the lose tshirt that hung so limp over her shoulders and the ragged shorts which she hadn't bothered to change out of for days.
He took a drag, and as if reading her mind said, "you still smell the same."

He passed it to her an she inhaled it a little too much at once and ended up coughing it all out. He stroked her back gently, and taught her how it was done and then they shared it in silence. She reached out for the bottle, but he held her hand, "I pour the drinks baby."

He poured them shots and she didn't know what to click them to. The end?
"What are we drinking to but?"
"For me walking to someone to pull them back for the first time ever?"
His reply was simple, the click quick and he drained his glass empty before she even had a sip.

"What why?"
"Why should we do this anymore? I'm tired. And you're weary. We've gone so long without talking..." she took a long sip before she could complete her sentence "..but I still can't imagine a world without you in it. It's too hard baby."
"So you're taking the easy way out?"

She didn't miss the tone of his voice, the slight edge, the clear disdain. He'd never get it. And yet as she even formed the thought in her head, his hand found hers and her fingers held on tightly, for dear life. They sat like together for hours, drinking, making no conversation, none was needed, the eyes said it all; both too stubborn and afraid to blink for the fear that it might end.

Once the alcohol was over, and they only had each other, she finally found her voice again.
"Why, why tonight after all those texts and calls? Why did you come?"
"Because I knew it was now or never."

He slipped out his phone and clicked a few buttons and she re-read her text to him early that morning.
I tried. I really did. But it doesn't make sense anymore. None of it without you. I'd rather jump off than fall apart bit by bit. And even though it's been years, there was only just one you so I can't watch your face fade from my memory any more than it already has. Know that I love you, always have, always will. Forever.

It meant nothing to her, they were just words and she had written so many to him over the time and distance. What stood out to her was the fact that her name was still saved as superwoman. She looked at him, the questions stuck in her throat. Had he really flown to her? She couldn't stop the tears anymore. She hadn't cried in so long, he'd made her promise that she never would so she had soaked them all in and not let them fall and still they came rushing now, as if making up for all the times she bled but did not cry.

She was crying now. He didn't know what to do. He held her and tried to cradle her but she just sobbed and sobbed relentlessly. He hugged her and pulled her close trying to wipe off those tears which always left him speechless but she was such a stubborn baby. My baby. He recalled all the times he'd said it and it seemed just like yesterday and he didn't know why they'd ever gone a day without him saying it. 

"Baby.. stop? Please?"
And that was when she looked up and saw the hurt in his eyes. She took a broken breath in and tried to not exhale for she knew not how to hold it back anymore. Neither did he. So their lips found each other and he was ever so gentle as if scared to hurt her. She broke away first and wiped her tears dry.

"You want me to live?"
"When we end it, we do it together. That's all. Living or dying is your call to make."
"I feel I've been dead all this while anyway.. What would it take to come alive?"

And just like that, there was music in the world again. She was kissing him, and not gently at all for she had a blinding rage in her. He'd not seen her in so long and this is how he remembered her always. Fierce and unrelenting. And she was just that when his touch met hers. He realized now what she'd meant when she'd said 'they fit together' and he'd jeered it off. He hadn't fit like this with anyone, ever since. Her shuffle was his and as it panned out, he felt himself smile after what seemed like years.

As she heard the track change, her eyes met his and she saw what she'd missed earlier, that twinkle, that spark. "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?", she'd whispered it out to him as she'd pulled him to lie beside her. "I did already didn't I baby?"

She looked up at the sky to show him the star she'd seen his face in but there were two now. He'd brought her to life.

"Why did you come?"
"You won't let this go, will you?"
"I had to tell you this in person."
"I love YOU too.. soo fucking much."

With that another twenty eighth came to an end, they crossed another bridge and they lay back to see another dawn through each other's eyes. She lived to feel the sun warm her again. Her sun.

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