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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Hello, world.

It's been a good sixty days since I took the time to put words to my thoughts. Were there none, you ask. Ofcourse not. But everything was happening at a lightning fast speed though through my lens everything was set at a snail pace - extreme slow motion. I've missed you.

I'll be kidding myself if I say that I never imagined myself in that white coat - that I didn't dream about my clinic. But the price to be paid was one I wasn't willing to. Home feels so good that there are truly no words. So there's one dream shattered. I do weep silently but tears are always a weakness so I've learnt to bottle it all up. Besides I need to be strong for the people around me. If I break, my world collapses with me. I'm the wall that stands and I will make sure now no amount of scorching heat can burn me to the ground.

In regards of the ex, I knew you were trouble when you walked in. But I trusted my heart. More importantly I trusted you. Ofcourse you had to go ahead and shatter and destroy whatever I held dear but you know what ? The hatred you so deeply desire, I will never grace you with. I loved you once. And I know you loved me back. Whether this is all a ruse, I may never know but I will forever stand by my promise. In my hearts of heart, I will never give up on you. But you're not privy to that anymore. You wanted the last word ? Have it for now darling. This I know is not where this story ends. However this is where 'we' end. Forever, this time.

I've come back to the remains of my best friend. Her smile is also so strained that only I know that time has taken it's toll on her. I see in her eyes how she has lived. And I wish she hadn't had to see life.. How I'd always wanted to protect her from all of this. We got a few minutes away from this world and they were enough. But I didn't hold her, or tell her just how much I do love her and how she is one huge reason for my return. Home isn't home without her.

My Father has aged an eternity in the past year. It breaks my heart to see how he and Ma lived without me and how it was all for nothing. He is one man I feel life has been incredibly unfair with. If only I could say to him what I say to myself about him - maybe then he'd know just what he means to me.

Now to the hope. I don't want it. Any of it. I've been hurt enough and I can't take any more of it. The last nail was the boy who claimed to be my soulmate. I can't be the regret in someone else's journal. But what do I do when my stupid heart still wants to hope ? Wants to trust ? Wants to believe ? What then. What when after all these years I haven't learnt a single thing. What if the two words to describe me will forever be gullible and vulnerable.

Home may not be many things but through the depths of the night and the brightest hours of the day, it never ceases to be the abode of your mother's arms which brings with it truckloads of unconditional love and understanding. These are the two things I most need. 

People around me have forgotten how their simple words pierce through my skin, all the way to my heart and leave an acid-burn scar there.

Unconditional love. Is that really so much to ask for in this day and age ? Has man really forgotten what that was like ?

I have always had a knack for wanting the one thing I can't have. Which is why it's time to kill all desires altogether. A numb human may not be a happy person but he isn't a sad one either.

So here's to the old friends I hadn't met for ages. Here's to the (relatively) new ones who shower me with affection. Here's to the extended family which accepted me as one of their own. But most of all here's to the mother who made me who I am and gave me the strength to do what I am doing. Here's to a formal goodbye to medicine. And here's to a the end of a lovestory I never stopped believing in and all the fairytales I was ever told as a kid.
#Khamoshiyan, awaaz hain
Lafzon mein bas inkaar hai..