And for once I'm making the easier choice.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I saw a friend in my dreams after some two years since we haven't met (Read: Anirudh) and it was like a rush through my head. So freakin' real.
Sorry, got distracted then and lost my stream of thought. Now I'm back with Coldplay blasting in my ears and a smoke in my hand. I spoke to Adhiraj 2 in the morning, and it was nice. I'm somehow reminded of him as I finished watching a certain movie.
Anyway, I don't exactly feel like ranting about my desperate dreams or how bad I want to see certain people. I don't even want to whine about not being able to watch Metallica perform coz honestly I'd rather be in this place than where the thousands of people who signed up for the Delhi concert only to be shattered, are. Atleast I knew since day one I was never going to watch them live, I was just the harbinger of the good news to someone who loved me for it. I hope he gets to have the time of his life tonight and that's about it.
Yes, I can be selfless at times. I'm happy about my friends celebrating Halloween in a real world and not in this sub-urban outskirts of nothing. I'm happy about my classmates all having gone home for the "Sem break" as they call it or the lack thereof. I'm happy that I have my music, my solace. Thank you ColdPlay. Even though I personally think you could've done better, just the fact that I have a new album to devour is good enough. I'm even happy about 'Pumped up kicks' stuck on my loop.
Okay, enough fake rants.
I'm bla. Phased out and about to sleep off for the third time today. I'm trying to recall and relive the dream I had this morning but I remember it very faintly, too faintly to even replay. And I'm kind of tired of replaying the summer.
Chupke Se just came up on my shuffle. I didn't change it. I am becoming strong or maybe just giving up altogether. Even though in my heart I will always believe that in the end everything will be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end, that's just the stupid me. The real me, the pessimist me knows better, has seen better. Life, it gets in the way of living. It's gotten in my way of living. It's made me co-dependent and dysfunctional. I re-read one of these things by Stephen King today:
Harry Potter is is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is all about how important it is to have a boyfriend.
I read Harry Potter some million times each. I barely read Twilight once when I was bored out of my mind. Then why have I turned into Bella Swan? That fragile chic who had nothing better to do than to obsess about her boyfriend and wanting to spend a lifetime with him. The dumb girl who didn't know which guy she wanted. The lame one who kissed her best friend, who kind of always even felt for her best friend but belonged to and loved someone else. The one whose life revolved around a boy or his absence. She used people to fill his void but in all actuality, nobody ever could.
Am I her now? The girl wanting to be a part of his world more than my own? This setting clearly makes for a Forks like place, what with the constant rain and random bursts of sunshine. The one who'd give up anything just to freeze time or have an eternity with him? Why do I question it all so much and keep waiting for the end? Why have I made it out to be a novel and am forever afraid of reaching the last page. What comes next? What happens when I flip over and find nothing more to read? What happens when I lose my words like I lost my heart?
I warned you with my title. Don't blame me if you still kept at it. My rants make no sense to my own head, much less to yours. You know how people say they're at peace with their head? I'm at war, I'm at constant war with my brain and it's thought process. It's too fucked up. My hands are tied as I set up a fall for myself everytime I stand and steady this body of mine. I'm my own suicide bomber.
"I went numb when I learnt to speak."
This is endless. I'll find myself tomorrow. These are just the scattered bits of me and not really me. I'll put myself together tomorrow. I'll fix me and then I'll even fix you.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
It was happy indeed and when I'm high on happiness I miss my world and this is just to let them all know that you were closer to me today than you've been in a long time. It's the hindu new year tomorrow hence it's time for new beginnings and new memories so let's make many more of those together, which we can look back on years from now and reminisce and cherish like I'm reminiscing today.
My family here, my family back home, and my friends who're practically family now.. I love you. In ways you can't imagine, in ways you can't break, in ways I always will. But then again, if you heard my voice tonight, you know that already, don't you?
Distance breaks apart wimps. We're made of stronger stuff, you and I.
And the two of you, who're with me, here in the darkest of times, you know we can make it shine brighter than a zillion fireflies combined, as long as we're together.
All my love to all of you.
For now and forever more.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
You suck. Plain and simple. There are more adjectives to describe you. A hoard of them really but this pretty much sums it up. You are the most selfish species created on this planet and yes, I am counting ungrateful cats and unknown aliens in this. Don't even dare to ask me why, you know you do.
You'll put your happiness before anyone else's. Always. Actually fuck the other's altogether. It's your life, your plans, your scheme of things, your everything. If someone randomly doesn't fit into it, too bad for them. You anyway don't give a tiny rat's ass. Their headache. You'll blow it off.
And then you actually think you're the stronger of the two sexes? Really? We're not weak darling, we're selfless and giving. We love. We love you, for some unknown reason we do and we stick by it through thick and thin.
My best guyfriend also proved it to me today how in a boy's head, he just always comes first. We've just been raised that way I guess. To tolerate. We have the strength to actually. Unlike you. When things don't go your way, you ignore them or walk out completely, not that you don't do them even without the former condition but especially in it's presence, there is no question only.
And then you say you love me more? Hah. You don't. You can't.
I love you more as I drink in my anger. I love you more when I take the hurt and the pain. And I love you more when I hold back my tears. I love you more even when you hurt me, more still when you break me and even more (if that's possible) when you shatter my heart in a million tiny pieces.
You walk back into my life after two years wanting to be a friend and I take you back gladly because I once loved you. You come meet me one cold morning randomly and I share my cigarette with you like no time has passed for we once were electric. You walk out on years of friendship and I stand back and watch your web of lies and deceit because I still look beneath that surface, trying to find the person I once knew. You enter my world from nowhere, break my self-defence and promise me you'll treasure my smile and I believe you because you make me want to.
I'm not the dysfunctional link here. You are. All of you.
Stupid, stupid boys.
If there was a limited profile in real life, I'd put you all on it and then just live a life in peace because honestly I have had enough. Of you all, your fake promises and your insincerity.
I'm done here.
But I don't walk out.
I wait at the corner still, hoping you'll take notice and once, just this once make me happy instead.
You are my exception baby. So I'll wait. You're the last exception I made, so I will wait.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I can never sum up how much it meant to me but it got my tears to stop today when I didn't think they would. Thank you for all the faith.
I'll never let you down.
And no matter how much anybody mocks me, I will be your soul sister.
"Hey Soul Sister!"
^That's the link to the most amazing blogpost ever.
But don't break your back if you ever see this, but don't answer that..
In a bullet-proof vest, with the windows all closed,
I'll be doing my best, I'll see you soon. In a telescope lens, when all you want is friends,
I'll see you soon.'
As I opened my blog to write, this is the song that played baby. And as always, the same complaint, it doesn't last long enough. It's too short. That's the only problem we have with this song know? But that's pretty much what defines fourteenth for us. Something 'magical' as you said repeatedly, something crazy, something that definitely didn't last long enough.
Our story will always be one straight out of a novel or a movie. And if I was the one reading or watching, I'd be the most sceptical human, tch-ing my head and being all critical with my 'dude, does this ever happen in real life?'
But I'm not. I'm the character who played a part so I know it's precisely that. Something extraordinary and unbelievable. You don't just sit in a room full of strangers, losers and douches and then look right beside you to find your soulmate. You don't fall in love with someone over the first song you play them. They don't just melt down to their core as they tell you it's been their favourite song always.
But we did.
in that noisy, dark room, all I heard was your words and all you saw were my eyes. The crowd faded away as you asked me for that dance that I was supposed to teach you and then led me instead. People walked out as you held me and there was nothing I could do to resist it, and trust me I tried. It was involuntary really, when my feet found the tips of your toes and stood on them just to be a little closer. It was exhilarating when you pulled me closer still, and whispered the whole song to me in my ear.
The song, ended too soon. And I literally had to run away from you and place myself on a bean bag because my balancing had gone all awry and I needed to bring my head back from where you'd taken it. You didn't back down, played another song and came to sit right next to me on that shapeless mass of brown which somehow seemed perfect to seat two suddenly.
There were diversions, distractions and defences in our way, more due to me than you but somehow they lost all meaning. I learnt all about you in a night and I could see you for the real you and not the person everyone had made you out to be.
The night, ended too soon. I walked away from you not knowing that every step now would just bring me closer to our undeniable chemistry. A night, actually a song is all it took, and boy you know your music well ;)
Everytime I wanted to run, you said run and come to me. Everytime I stumbled, you held me and taught me how to walk straight and walk out again. And everytime you saw the slightest hint of a tear in my eye, you reminded me I don't cry, I don't break for anyone in the world. Besides an incomparable love, I would've lost me if I hadn't met you.
It's been six months today baby, six whole months since you stole me away. The first time I saw you, you did me this way, what can I say? You literally had me at hello Tiwari :P
And now it just seems to have ended too soon, all of it. Our few days (hours?) together which we spent fighting the inevitable and falling short always; the days we spent crossing bridges; the nights we spent talking for there was so much to be told, or in complete silence for though there was so much to be spoken, words failed us to define it just then.
I just want you to know that whenever it finally ends, it'll end too soon. No measure of time with you will be long enough. I will never have enough of you, or us, or this.
I love you my baby.
Thank you for the most magical start to an epic story. For just knowing I was the one. For being my scientist, the one with whom I collide and for making me your delilah.
And those three will always be OUR songs and not of the many cheesy couples who can only try to understand what they mean without really ever having a clue.
Thinking of you and missing you and cursing this distance more everyday,
Monday, October 10, 2011
Then you grew up :)
I'm so happy you did for I missed your presence and silly laugh in my life. When you spend that amount of time with someone, you can't just erase it. When days, nights, dusks and dawns are made of the same person, just ignoring him forever is not something that let's my mind at ease. Of course I moved on in life, you know I move on from anyone and anything but I never stopped caring. Even when I pretended and acted otherwise, how you turn out has always mattered to me. Even when I was a complete bitch, it was just because you'd pushed me to the wall so much that I had to push back. I never meant for me to hurt you but I guess it was me hurting all that while so I took it out on you. And just that once you didn't take it.
You were my present from Santa last christmas. And in that half-shared cigarette, it was like no time had passed. I was however, with someone else and circumstances didn't let us clear everything out, once and for all. Maybe we'd have had that last hug afterall if things had gone our way.
But destiny is not something that works according to our whims and fancies. I was meant to stay with that guy and go on to meet my soulmate through him. You were meant to figure out my love for you that once existed on your own, without any help from even me. We were meant to forgive each other and look back at our past with nostalgia and remembrance rather than bitterness and regret.
I never regretted you Garv. Sure you made me hate you but I don't regret us. You taught me how to laugh like nobody was looking, how to give myself to a guy and most importantly how to love. I loved you. But then, you know that right? Now I know you do. And there's a kind of solace in knowing that I was the only girl you ever loved. After all this time, it eases the pain I once went through, for I know now that you never gave up that love.
And someday, we'll sit and talk about it all. For we both need answers for why a love so strong, snapped and how people got into your head and made me a bitch and how circumstances got into mine and made you an asshole. Someday I want us to sit down and sort it out. If not for anything then for the two teenagers who once loved each other. We owe it to their memory.
And when I see you next, now I won't hold myself back, I will hug you.. because you're my friend. I lost a friend to a relationship recently but through our relationship, I made one of my bestfriends. I want that to stay. We may never be those two teenagers again, but instead of having remorse about it, I'll smile for sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can come together. And you may not smile with me, you may never completely forget us, but I will help you like me again for I know that you believe in me and I'll restore your faith in the fact that I'm still that one in a million girl whose absence leaves a void in your life.
Lastly, I want to thank you. For all the memories. For all those firsts. For all those tears you wiped off; I only blamed you for the ones you caused but you actually drank in a lot of them too. For letting me in. For not giving anyone else the privilege to your heart. For not sharing my place with anybody else. And most of all, for all the love.
I know now what ecstasy is but you showed me happiness and if it weren't for that I wouldn't know how to value what I have now. You taught me a lot Garv and I hope the only thing you learnt from me was not to never love again.
There's no point to this letter except the fact that you're still a part of my world. And I'm glad to be a part of yours. I could forgive you because I realized that you loved me enough.. so I could erase the pain with that and still be left with a little extra.
I wish you well. I wish us well.
But I don't need to wish anymore. Finally, all is well.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
The very first time I heard this track I knew we'd been dancing to it some day. Because that's how it is. That's how desi girl happened. That's how even Sheila happened across all this distance.. I heard that track and I knew in that instant that we would so dance to it. And now this baby. Snigdha's the reason I listened to this song, repeatedly and now I know that this song will make up a lot of afternoons in my living room and lot of taboo games in my bedroom :D
I'd written a note once long back which said that some songs always trace back to your past and somehow now even new ones remind me of the beats we've shared. All of us. Some of us got lost as these songs played out.. We were in it together, for life but we couldn't plan all our steps afterall. You, you'll never read it and you'll never know, we danced to ishq kameena, that's how long back we go and this silly song reminded me of you so much today I wanted to slap you, hard, and wake you up from this life of yours where a song also doesn't remind you of "us".
As for my desi girl, thankyou for ensuring that all songs always lead me to you and that I never hold myself back when it's us acting crazy together. Even if that means being disowned by a certain tiwari :P
I'll be your dancing partner in any random barat, in every movie theater, any where in the world, always.