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Saturday, November 24, 2012

After oh so many days and nights.

Today I'm going to write. The words I've been holding back and the words I burnt and the words I catch my breath by but never let slip. I thought this was stronger, smarter, more adult. I will get back to all of that tomorrow. Today it's about not holding back. It's about being the fool I long ago confessed I was. I might lose the nerve any second and the words scare me even as I form them. Happiness. My perception of it is very different from the world's. Maybe I like tragedies more. Tragic little martyrs. I'm like that you know, twisted little thing. Little, yes. My happiness got overshadowed by yours long ago. I saw it happening but I never tried to change it. Slowly, I forget when but it got totally swept out - out of the picture - the picture of us in a dilapidated frame. But there's a certain mystique to history you know? Our history. I chose to write it like this, yours over mine till mine became yours. Why? Yours is so much more precious. Mundane things make me happy. Like remember when I would post a part of a song as my status and then you'd reply to let me know that you do, so fucking much, that would make me happy.  That princess slipped between words or an overtly repeated baby. That semi twinkle in your eyes when you saw my watermelon face. That goodmorning ritual. All of it. So it doesn't matter because it's immaterial and easily achievable. I don't strive for the easy. Yours however is a whole different story and I want to see you at the pinnacle of ecstasy. Don't get me wrong, us, happy together is not a thought I've forgotten but you. Ah, you. 

I used to write poetry back when words flowed like molten heavenly drops of rain from the sky but now they just stream down my face instead. I hold you close and catch a whiff of you from that shirt that I allow myself to hug at night every once in a while when I can no longer stand the distance. If I close my eyes long enough, your face is clear. Nothing is trampled upon, no emotions scarred and there's bourbon in the cabinet and a packet of smokes by the headstand which has your hand placed against it, my head somewhere close by in it. You never did let it hit the bed. You know. I imagine broken things too. Me crying as you cradle me back to sleep. You hold my face and tell me how you hate me for ruining your favourite shirt and I cry all over it anyway. We hug and I have a flight to catch but we don't let go. We're the only ones standing at the airport as shutters around us are pulled down on everything. I breathe in your chest and you find your fingers entangled in my hair, unwilling to leave. I guess for once we listened to a stupid band called The Fray. 

I wrote you a letter. I wrote you a story. I even wrote you a song. Why did I never send them ? Silly me but they were all sillier you know. We were silly. Arguing and bickering and never letting the other one win. Well, you can have your victory now. In everything but this. Here I'll always win and I know that you know it somewhere inside you. Somewhere it still echos, the melody you sung for only my ears. It never stopped playing you know. Every once in a while you pick up that rusty guitar and strike a few more chords whether in remembrance or because it's the tune that comes naturally I'm not sure I know. At times you go all the way and even sit back at your drum kit and hit back all the notes of happy and crazy and insane. Thiish thiish thirtaat. Your drum roll. For us. You walk out the music room but I hang back and watch the cymbals ache for your touch and crave for that passion. Records are strewn about, covers of magazines we made love over, a broken string and I put it all back and assemble it till I achieve perfection until your next visit. 

Bits here, bits there, bits of us everywhere. Let's go get high ? And on the walk home you can tell me about how I should have not had that last drink or danced by the pole. I'll let you be possessive and walk out with your hand in mine. Claimed territory. Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain, you did always like your girls insane. Do remember to kiss me goodnight though as you drop me home. I think I feel my lungs burning; the face is definitely getting paler. I guess I'm getting deficient. You told me that day how I looked different and I didn't agree but I wanted to tell you the why to it too. So much holding back. God. There's you in the balcony. Sitting on a ledge that's our second home. Let's walk the line ? I write my name in the sand and add yours as an afterthought. They did always look symmetrically brilliant together. We say hello. You say goodbye. I'm not going to be told how to set it right, how to put myself above everything else. I was that girl but back when I was not your.. And I stop myself. I guess there's only so much that I can confess in a day. I didn't come here to say anything consequential really but just come, you know, to the boy; my boy. You know. Someone somewhere today said: 'I didn't say it to hear it back you know.' 
Neither did I. Nor do I. 

I love you.
I always did love you more.

Your brown eyed girl.

Ps. But if you love me...

Monday, November 19, 2012

Wreck of the day.

Letter to Self.

Don't buy all the things people sell at the little shops by the busy streets. They're just making a livelihood for themselves by indulging you. Don't fall for words people tell you; words of compassion or love or comfort. There is always an ulterior motive. Don't read into the unsaid for too much is unsaid and you can at times imagine much too much than there ever really is. Science is the only thing which is non tangible and absolute. It doesn't mess with your head. There is a logical explanation to everything. You just have to work your way through to the bottom of it. Don't overestimate someone's potential. There's usually a bias there. You care too much, when you shouldn't. Don't sail too far away from your roots. It's very difficult to find your way home. Don't underestimate someone's ability to hurt you. That usually leads to a plethora of just that. Don't dream, just please do not dream. After all these years, that's one thing you need to give up on most - Dreams.

"If this is giving up, then I'm giving up,

On love."


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Tuor's dream.

She knocks on his door and his flatmate comes to answer. They don't know each other and she whispers her name. The quizzical expression on his face doesn't change and she implores him to just let her in. He looks at her bags and decides she couldn't be much harm. She's flown a long way and he is sleeping. She'd kind of wanted him at the door, she'd wanted to knock the wind out of him for once. But she knew the chances of that were slim anyway. She keeps her stuff aside and hovers around his bed for a bit. The flatmate is still apprehensive so she dials another friend who might be able to calm the nerves of this suspicious, fidgety stranger. Once the call is made, he offers her water which she politely declines and asks if she could have a moment alone with the boy she flew all the way for, instead.

As the flatmate shuts the door behind him, she gets out of her heels and climbs into bed with him - let's call him A. He's sleeping face front which makes it kinda difficult for her to lift his arm, let alone roll him over but she manages to wriggle underneath it still. When he barely moves, she whispers in his ears instead trying not to nibble at them and yet failing to maintain her resolve. He opens his eyes just a fraction and looks at her face trying to peek from under his arm. He turns over to adjust himself in her and she smiles.
'Hey, you.'
'You came.'

She kisses him as he pulls the covers over them and pulls her deeper into bed. 'This better not be a dream', he mutters.
'But what if it were, would that be so bad?' 
'No, just the thought of you here, on my arm is almost as nice.'
She slowly extracts herself from him and bends over his face, then gradually lies over him instead. She did love being on the top.
'I've put on some weight, no?'
'No.'
'So this isn't rib crushing?'
He smirks as he mocks the very notion, 'you think?'
'And this?' is her next question as she hugs him as tight as her fragile bones allow.
He merely smiles, hugs her back, then ruffles her hair.
'No kid.'

They kiss again and she hears his thoughts as he forms them.
'Please don't be a dream, I want to wake up to you.'
'Just try to remember this when you do open your eyes.'

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Maaa, the most beautiful four letter word.

It's late in the evening,
She's wondering what clothes to wear..
She puts on her make up,
And brushes her long, blonde hair..
And then she asked me, 'Do I look alright?'

And I said 'Yes, you look wonderful tonight.'

You look wonderful every single night Mom. Whether you're in a saree that I wanted you to wear or in your comfy pajamas, ready to call it a night. You're beauty personified. Because you're beautiful inside out. As you lie down to sleep every night and put those eye drops, if I'm in the same room I always take those five minutes to just look at you. Remember when I was really little, it was a game we played because I wanted to scare you? Actually it was never that. I didn't ever want to startle you, I just wanted to be the first person you saw when you opened your eyes. However as time went by it became a joke and then as I grew up some more I wasn't even around most of the time to see that serene face which brought me so much peace. Now when I look back at all this I find myself wishing I'd spent more time sharing that afternoon coffee with you, or made you that cup of tea even when I didn't want to, or blown off my favourite tv show to go for a walk with you for now it seems like moments spent with you by my side were the ones that brought me most happiness. You have always brought me a whole lot of happiness.

You've been my best friend through everything and always stood up for me, even when I was wrong. You have always known what it is to have my back. You've taken the longest to forgive people who made me cry and you've been the easiest to make up to. You've covered for me when I most needed it and helped me get permissions when Dad wasn't willing; hell you've even taken an active interest in my love life in the most fun way :P

The secrets I kept from you have always been the ones that destroyed me which is why I am so happy that none of them exist anymore. You cannot imagine what it means to me to have that one person in my life I can share everything with without the worry of acceptance. Sure, we've had our ups and downs but I don't worry about 'us' anymore. We can survive anything together. You know why? Because of you. You're so strong Mom that you've withstood the worst of hurricanes and protected me while at it. You've been there through every failed friendship, every bad break up and every sucky academic result. I know I never do much to show you this but I really do love you, with every inch of my soul.

You're the reason. For everything that I am, aspire to be and hopefully will be someday - it's all you. Because my story begins with yours and there goes not a day that I don't wish for your loving arms to embrace me in one of their warm hugs for those arms could make me forget anything as long as I was wrapped in them. You're one of the most loving and affectionate person alive. I have never wanted to trade you for anybody else, even in my darkest hours. You're the one constant that has always been the silver lining to all the grey clouds. And for all of that, and so much more, I can never thank you enough.

So, happy birthday mumma. 
This is where I wish you my angel and express my gratitude for having you in my life. Trust me when I say this, I could not and would not have made it without you. You're why I believe in Washington Irving's words when he says, "A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of  prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and causepeace to return to our hearts."

I love you.
For you, a thousand times over.