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Monday, October 22, 2012

RIP

So, you know how we're the generation that's commercialized everything? Even death? It used to make me sick to my stomach. Like when people put up a status on a social networking site about someone's death, I want to barf, really. The very problem being the lack of tact and then how people 'like' that status. I mean hello? What is there to like? And then the sudden flood of wallposts on the deceased person's profile. I mean what are you thinking? Can they read all this? No. Does this help anyone? No. It's just very, very insensitive and nauseating. 

But then I stumbled upon someone's profile yesterday. The boy passed away some time last year and it took my breath away to see how his friends have constantly kept in touch with him, even if through this public forum. Of how much they miss him, enough to write him tiny notes of what they're upto and how it's not the same and never will be the same without him; how they posted songs they thought he'd have liked, and kept him updated about United's performance in the leagues. It broke my heart. 

Now it's weird because I don't even know this boy at all, but I wept for him. I wept for the people whose lives he'd touched and who don't have him anymore. And that's when it hit me. This is just their way to cope with it. Yes, it sucks, I get it but maybe accepting that full stop to his life sucks more. Maybe living in a world where you can't reach out to someone ever again sucks more than writing a pathetically public post about it. Maybe this helps them keep the hope alive, that just maybe he's out there somewhere, listening.

Death has become so real with all this growing up you know. Just like that, we've had to deal with our best friends losing their parents, their relatives, their friends. We've had to attend funerals we didn't think would ever happen. We've had to console people, not having a clue as to how to make them feel better. Coz let's face it, it is not okay. Okay is the one thing it really is not. It will never be okay. The void that a person leaves once there's gone is not something that can be filled up or replaced or.. Anything at all. It's just that - a gaping hole in place of the person that used to be.

And as much of a hypocrite as this makes me, I would probably do the same. No, I wouldn't update my status yearly or any such thing. But I would write to them. Whether in my head or on a wall somewhere accessible to alien eyes depends really. But I would certainly write. For not being able to tell someone what you feel anymore just totally sucks. So here I am, telling you I love you. This is where I tell you that. Repeatedly. And I always will. Because life is too bleeding short and I need to be able to say it. If not to you, then to the thought of you.

I love you.

There. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Fly love, fly.

There will come a time when every inconsequential move you ever made and ever word that you left unsaid will come to haunt you. When you'll want to introspect and go back in time to undo your mistakes. However, now is not the time for that.

Now is the time to read, absorb and learn. Really what have you been doing child? What have you got yourself so preoccupied with? Slow down, my crazy child. You've got so much to do and only so many hours in the day. Are you really letting life pass you by?

Now is the time to unhook the phone and just disappear for a while. Give meaning to your existence, find the light, the anchor to hold your ship down in these tides. Only fools are satisfied I know, your quest is long and unfinished, but you can set sail again some day for now is not the time.

Now is the time to turn off that thirteen inch screen you've staring blankly at for years now. Watching fictional characters won't shake your reality away, you can't get lost in another story, you've got to write your own first. Now is the time you dip your quill in the ink and finally form those words which have been put on hold for so long. There will be a time to mourn your losses but now is not it.

Now is the time to smile, not for what's been but for what's to come. Dance like nobody's watching, sing like you can make spines shiver and write, not of a lover you lost but of the love that guides your way. He's within you, don't you see? You hold everything within you. Your parents, your friends, your love, even the strangers you stumbled upon if only for the briefest of times; and maybe just maybe there is a reason for this unbearable separation. But now is not the time to look for these answers.

Now is the time to fight for what you believe in, to stand up for your principles, to stand up for yourself! There will come a time when there will be no more tears and love will not break your heart; it'll dismiss your fears; when you'll let emotions capture you again and you'll not be afraid to let your guard down or to let someone in; when the nights will not be so hauntingly long and difficult to pass by, and the days will be too short for you to achieve all that you've ever aspired for. But the time for that my child is really not here yet. Don't you want that time to come sooner than later or worse still, never?

So, now is the time to become not what you thought you wanted but what you know you need to be. Stop complaining child. There will be a time to go home but it is not now. When you've given meaning to yourself, I promise you, we'll go home together, you and I.

Forever dutifully,
Your shadow.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

"But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?"

The three of them met after a haphazard array of events. Nobody quite knew how they got there. Except her. Samaira always knew. She'd been running, from whom it was immaterial in the face of the present now, but it'd been a long and tiresome run, not to mention tedious and very cumbersome. Dodging the people behind her was a task but one she was quite familiar with; she ran these roads alone every night, night after night.

He was driving them to safety, or so she liked to believe. Kent, he was good at that. Popping up when she most needed him. Kind of made her believe in all those tales Dumbledore had told about help always coming when those in need, asked for it. In that one desperate moment when she'd close her eyes, his was the last face that'd flash right before she was to give up hope, he was the first choice and the last resort; her broken knight in shining armour.

And then there was Nayna. The reason they'd first ever met. Nayna had hated herself for that for a long while. She'd known Clark all her life and Samaira had just waltzed in and made him Kent, a totally different person who tore her world apart. But well they'd all moved on, atleast she had. She wasn't one to hold grudges and forgave easy. And who was she to complain? She now had her perfection - the one that had stared her in the face all along but she'd been much too much of a coward to admit it earlier and then circumstances had played their toll. Now no more, nothing was keeping them apart any longer. She finally had him - Her Aditya.

Nayna's phone rang and she answered it. Looking out the front seat window, Samaira didn't need any clues to who it was on the other end. Aditya. He used to be Samaira's closest friend at a point.. Before things went so horribly wrong, before she picked the wrong guy, before..
"Yeah baby. That's what no. Marry me", spoke Nayna into her cell phone, giggling. Surely it was some private joke she wasn't in on. She'd been the outsider for so long now, with everyone. Maybe she liked it that way, maybe this was what was meant to be. So she stared on ahead into the oblivion as Kent blasted the music, as if sensing how the ongoing conversation was unnerving her.


As she spoke into the phone, Nayna couldn't help but notice the increasing frequency of Samaira's coughing. Did Samaira really expect her to hold off the conversation just on account of the former's feelings? Boy, she had some nerve. After everything she'd been through, she didn't owe Samaira anything.
*

Frankly, the girls were getting to him. Over what were the pining? That loser? Really now. The prize was still at large, didn't they see? He accelerated the car and drove them to a dilapidated warehouse. It was raining so they'd need to seek shelter and warmth. Perfect. He had just the spirits required for the particular occasion.

She sat down on a rug as Nayna started to light a fire. She'd never been good with all this. As she watched Kent pour them drinks, she didn't wait. Instead she downed all of the first three shots one after the other. He hinted a grin in her direction and she tried to ignore Nayna's presence and condescending statements. She was trying to be friendly but the alcohol was a much needed catalyst required for any headway in that direction.

"So, this is quite a threesome huh?", Kent ventured.
"And not one you hadn't imagined either" came Samaira's blunt retort. She seemed to be on the edge, Nayna noticed. The why to this had no clear answer but it was time Nayna tried to calm matters down. They were all clearly stuck together for the night and she hated unpleasantaries.


"How have you been?", she saw Nayna's lips move. Those must've been the words for she was good at lip reading, not so much at holding conversation. She let Kent and Nayna strike up one as she continued staring at the raindrops gracing the earth, across the window. So much had changed and after a full circle, she was still here, still standing - that was reason enough to celebrate some would say. She wasn't one of them. Samaira had never been one of them. As she heard them flirt casually, she wondered what Aditya would make of it. She had half a mind to call him instantly but she let that jealous whim go. He'd made his choice now and she'd made hers. It was time to live with it.

She looked across the room at the other set of childhood friends that had fallen apart due to the whirlwind romance that had ensued one summer. Look at us now, she thought. Two girls who loved him with everything we had. Two girls who lost everything for that love. Two girls who'd do it all over again? Nah, Nayna had opted otherwise. But she didn't know about herself. She'd never known that if given the choice would she in retrospect, run in the opposite direction on stumbling upon Kent or do it with him as her partner in crime, all over again. Would she just as willingly get played or had she learnt her lesson to never ever go down that road again ?

"Well, when it's you then any girl can feel insecure" came Nayna's cool yet seductive voice which caught Samaira's attention and she saw Nayna tracing Kent's jawline by her fingertips. She tried to look away but as their lips touched after hours of casual flirting, Samaira was in a trance.. And not one she could break.. Voluntarily or involuntarily. She could see his eyes look across Nayna at her, as if this were just some big foolhardy joke that she should ignore; as if this was a test and to pass it, all she had to do was play cool. Samaira tried to stare back but her gaze fell down instead to her feet. She turned her back to them and the fire that had been keeping her warm as a tiny tear slowly rolled down her cheek. She didn't let the tiniest whimper escape her lips, nor the slightest shiver tingle her spine and it was Kent that broke that endearing silence with his footsteps. Before Samaira knew it, he held her by the waist, turned her to face him, an inch away from his face as he scooped up hers and said, "There's no reason for HER to ever be insecure."

Those were the last words heard by both the girls as Kent swept Samaira into a kiss, one that he initiated. It wasn't the kind you read about in books; the kiss was neither wild nor mad; neither forced nor strong. It was the softest touch of lips as they engulfed one another and slowly their very bodies entwined alongwith their tongues which plundered on to seek more, to go further than either had ever been. Every kiss between them was like a story being told - the other always knew what was to follow, not because of the monotony or predictability but merely because their impulses read each other and aligned in careful symmetry always. It was like coming together after spending a century apart, they always picked up right where they left off.

She could hear Kent's thoughts as they kissed, telling her tales about how he had told his Mother about Samaira. She almost pulled away in surprise but he held on and continued discovering parts of her mouth, she had forgotten existed. He told her about that conversation and many more in which Samaira had featured, not because it was imperative but because he hadn't forgotten her, he never could forget her.

As Nayna looked at them kiss, there was not a twinge of envy, she was genuinely happy for she believed they belonged together. It had been she who had brought them together to this room to talk some sense into Clark's foolish mind. She'd known he couldn't intentionally hurt Samaira forever, and that he would be the man she had always imagined this boy to grow into, even if not for her. Nayna felt at peace as she saw the pieces of this puzzle fall into place. Maybe the four of them could finally all be happy at the same time and break the jinx they were tied into.

Samaira tried to hold back the tear that had been threatening to spill over but one look at Nayna smiling across the room, and she couldn't hold back any longer. Samaira had never believed Nayna when the latter promised she'd reunite them some day; Samaira was too much of a cynic that way. But Nayna had kept her word and Samaira had the man of her dreams kissing her, that once in a lifetime kiss that she had waited for with the tiniest ray of sunshine in her heart for expectations and hope were lost causes when it came to Kent.

As they started to break apart, his hands never left her face as Kent drank in that dewdrop like tear resting on Samaira's cheek and said in a soft, prolonged, sensual voice, "Hi."
"Hi." in her summery bright, chirpy, joy infused and content filled voice was what Samaira replied. 


This was how they said hello after all that time. This was how they'd always say hello. And then as Nayna stepped out to call her boyfriend, they dove right back into another liplocking kiss, never noticing the gas that was left burning. There was a lot to catch up on.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Thank you, Philippines.

I forgot how good you are to me. You and everything and everyone here. I forgot that when I told myself I wouldn't need to go home this winter. What a silly creature I am. For you're not just good, you're splendid. You've given me these four walls - my best friends here, my laptop - my boyfriend, and so many memories I'll always cherish: crying alone, aching for hugs, losing things closest to your heart, wanting for everything to dissolve into nothing and reliving every one of my nightmares. You have truly been brilliant!

You made me realize what it's like to be a stranger not just in a room but in my own skin, to have nobody stand up for you, and to grow to resent the one number I always loved. You made me see how very mistaken I was in thinking I was strong willed or emotionally capable of anything worthwhile. You even taught me how to stop expecting completely, even from myself.

Ah Philippines, I owe you so much. I would've never learnt if not for you. And I know you will continue to teach me. You're wonderful like that. A lesson on how to feel utterly helpless? Check. Another on growing addictions? Check. Yet another on everlasting loneliness? CHECK.

I'll remember you always, if I make it out alive - if that's your plan for me that is. I'll remember all of this. 

19th Century.

When love was made of different things,
Stronger perseverance, unbreakable strings,
It is now an era long gone by,
And oh my romeo, so I sigh!
It was a path walked often,
But now we don't even listen
To the thumping of our heart;
As our ways, we so easily part.
Remember the eyes that so easily grazed,
And words so genuine were placed,
Into the air that carried forth the feelings,
No incomprehension of honest meanings.
The lover, our utmost desire,
Even if that meant burning alive on a pyre,
They'd bat not eyelids, nor pause for a flash
Of a second; the world in it's entirety couldn't bring a clash
Of the two souls so meant to be,
They'd die loving - they'd die free.

When love was professed as the zenith of
Emotions; not discarded with a dismal cough
It was of fields and sunsets they spoke
The promises they made, never broke
As rivers flowed endlessly into the horizon
It was a pristine and holier liaison
Than the ones we stumble upon these days,
Which is just an infatuation driven haze.
Seas couldn't have separated us then,
Love was a force to reckon with when;
But now tides have swept it all aside,
In a clash of ego and battle of pride.
It is too much to love another,
To devour a love, to cherish a brother.

When love did not bow to the crown,
For there was no fear to drown.
And I would still immeasurably sink down for thee,
If in your love forever, you'd just let me be.

Because; my love is still no mean thing,
It's unrequited passion, an endless string.
For you my beloved, your juliet shall forever sing.