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Saturday, September 24, 2011

Selfish.

I wished he would just die.
I know I'm a cold, heartless, bitch. But I can't see him suffer like this. I need for this pain to end, his pain to end. He's taken enough of it for a lifetime.

I was doing this for you..
It was my secret, just mine.
I wanted to be the one to fix you...

Thursday, September 22, 2011

MY.

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."-Herman Hesse


The problem with love is, we all spend our lives chasing it and when we find it, we spend our lives changing it. Somebody makes us "feel" something.. something gooey/mushy/cheesy.. something we've come close to feeling a lot of times before, but not quite and we call this a 'spark'. But it's much more, this indeed is love. So don't change it. Don't manipulate it. Accept it as it is, exactly how it is. Don't be mad if it doesn't call or write. Don't be mad if it hurts. Because it is also what makes it all shine bright when all else is dark and dull. 


I accept you, for everything you are.
The crazy, the mad, the silly.
All of you makes me, all of me.

Love isn't about acceptance or sacrifice; it's just about realizing that you don't need someone to change in order for them to show that they love you. It's about knowing they love you regardless of what they do. 



Each day with you, I get a little closer to knowing what love is. And I hope someday when I've figured it all out, I can still say it to you. That, 
I love you my bastard ;D



Thursday, September 15, 2011

Boys. In 'general'.

So, I don't have a following to boast of and my blog is pretty insignificant on the blogspot market (unlike the famous blog of Open Letter to a Delhi Boy and it's retorts) so I guess I can take the risk of 'generalizing' boys in this post.

They're mean. And confused. And lost. They don't know what they want from themselves, much less this life. And for sure, they don't know what they want from US. They come into our lives and then turn it upside down before toppling it all over completely. They don't stick to promises or even their own feelings. They're people of the 'moment' and if in that moment they're over you, or it, or whatever the fuck it is, then they just are. Nothing nobody can do about it. Whatever you built with them, comes crashing down in this 'moment'. And if they regret it after, their huge egos don't let them admit it to us or probably even themselves. They're "strong" afterall. They need nobody. They're fine by themselves.

But then who isn't? We are too! Why do you even walk into our lives and say words you don't mean? You think we're emotionally stunted that we need an 'iloveyou' before or after sex? Nop. We can handle flings. We can do 'non-attachment'. But then deal your cards right so that when you fold, we're not left dumbstruck. Your emotional maturity may range from half a teaspoon to one tablespoon but we happen to mean what we say. Our forevers don't come often but when they do, we mean them (whether in friendship or in relationships or life, in general).

Boys are selfish. They'll put their happiness before everything and everyone. They hurt people they once "loved" repeatedly and never even feel bad about it. I wonder what it takes to make such a heart, a heart of absolute stone. How you can just end something out of nowhere and then come back saying you didn't mean it or go on with your life like nothing ever happened and you're glad to be on the market 'single' again.

Boys, not just boys from delhi or pune or wherever tend to work by the same parameter. A 'hot' girl is skinny (at times anorexia prone) and fair and tight lipped and with a great rack. Intellect plays a role, very rarely and that can be thrown away for shacking up with the above mentioned girl.

Ah, boys.
But you know who're worse than boys?
Us, girls. We fall for them over and over again knowing all of the above but giving our heart away regardless because we hope, wish, pray that somehow we've found that one in a million exception who will do anything in his power to not hurt us, or break us and just live up to his promises in general. We truly suck. We don't move on. We don't give up. We're the suckers that hold on to people for dear life when they actually couldn't care less. We feel things will work out someday.

I'm a little girl at the core of it all, your little girl, and yes, you can break me, totally and completely. Drain me of whatever little faith I have left in mankind. You can make me bleed and give up on love as a concept in general but then again, I'm the little girl who believes in fairytales. And you called me your princess. So yes, I do believe that you're my knight in shining armor. And for as long as you shine, in your light, I'll bask too. When you take that away, I'll be the hollowed, dark me again refusing to let even the sun's radiance warm me for this time you'll scar my soul.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

150 days.

I wrote you a song in my head. And it played out with your eyes looking into mine. That slow, casual, strut you took towards me, it made up the background score for that. For when you came up behind me and tapped my shoulder, and I turned into you, so close that I could count every crease of your forehead and shirt, only there were none of the former and I added lots to the latter. The lyrics were perfect for when you picked my bags and took them from me, for when you led me to a closed five by four elevator with an insignificant other and kissed me, purely because you couldn't wait any longer. The first verse played over our first pegs of whiskey and the bridge covered the beers. But it was a never ending chorus as we walked out for a smoke, and never looked back. Every drag since then has been a song, a melody that we built together, the lyrics of which I wrote on my way to you but they never panned out until your touch met mine, your breath muffled mine.

I love you, not like they do in books or movies or plays. Because they seem to know what they're talking about. I don't. I love you like the unknown, the one still left to unfold. I love you like I love the first red rose I preserved in the pages of my favourite novel years ago, in the hope that some day I could take it out and hand it to someone who'd know what it meant for me to keep it all this while. I love you like I love the baby book that my parents made for me and I'd read and reread just because it made me see myself as someone who could be loved when I saw myself from their eyes. I love you like the first cassette I ever bought, and the lyrics of every song which it had that I memorized because suddenly I'd found something that completed me and made this universe make sense. I love you like like I love the last page of all my notebooks because that is where I scribble what I never have the courage to write out and then trace those words some lazy afternoon afterwards, knowing precisely what I felt back then and unknowing why I could never say it out.

I love you for I don't know any other way, I love you for I don't know what I'd do without it, I love you for I can't stop myself. I love you because I do.     

Saturday, September 3, 2011

I'll give you all the love and more little rathore.

"Where do we belong, where did we go wrong
If there's nothing here, why are we still here?

It's another time, it's another day
Numbers they are new, but it's all the same
Running from yourself, it will never change
If you try you could die

Give us a little love, give us a little love
We never had enough, we never had enough
Give us a little love, give us a little love
We never had enough, we never had enough

Pour it in a cup, try to drink it up
Pour it in a well, you can go to hell
We'll get it on the way

Where do we belong, where did we go wrong
If there's nothing here, why are we still here?

Leave it by it's pain, leave it all alone
If I never turn, I will never grow
Keep the door ajar when I'm coming home
I will try, can't you see I'm trying

Give us a little love, give us a little love
We never had enough, we never had enough
Give us a little love, give us a little love
We never had enough, we never had enough"