Total Pageviews

Follow by Email

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Believe, my sunshine.


Just when everyone's urging you to give up, stay put.
Just when you think you've lost it all, keep faith.
And just when you're one step away from letting go, hold on.

They don't know anything - those who try to guide you. For if they really had all the answers, why would they be here too, unhappy with their lives? They don't know anything - those who try to own you - for feelings can't be bought. They'd know that if they knew you - how you can't be coerced. They don't know anything - those who try to tell you what to do - for life's choices are one's own to make. If you were to listen to all they say, you'd never be anything but a semi-replica of the millions walking this planet already. And they fear you, for you seem capable of carving a niche for yourself. 

They never lived your life, never dreamt your dreams, never felt your deepest desires. So take the leap they're so afraid of. For this leap of faith, could make all the difference. Fight them - all of them - every single one. It'll be worth it in the end, I promise you. If it's not, it's not the end.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Twenty eighth, part II.

Conversations with you, about YOU.


"He's a jackass"
He's not. The first time we ever met, he sat with me all night because I was stuck in a world of strangers. He ignored everybody to be with me and listened patiently to all my whining and opinions; actually liked me for them.


"That's because he saw a chance. He's a jackass."
He's not. He texted me without me having given him my number, even before I had a chance to leave his city; and never stopped. From dawn to dusk, and even after, we spoke throughout and he never got tired.


"That's because you were his new distraction. He's a jackass."
He's not. He always checked on me and the slightest hint of disarray in my life ensured that he was around to cheer me up. He said 'Are you fucking crazy? I love you.' when I said nobody did.


"That's because you were being needy. He's a jackass."
He's not. When I went back, it was like he'd been waiting to see me again, touch me, be with me, talk to me. He didn't care what people were thinking or saying, he came to me anyway.


"That's because he wanted to make the most of the time he had. He's a jackass."
He's not. He held my hand and sat with me at the beach. He shared his impossible-to-share headphones with me so I wasn't left to endure pathetic music. He sang me verses, just to see me smile.


"That's because he wanted to see you with none other. He's just a jackass."
He's not. He gave hell to people who said the slightest trash to or about me and held my hand, agreeing to walk out on a house full of people just to let me have it my way.


"That's because it was his way too. He's just a jackass."
He's not. He never had to do all the things he did. Never had to leave his world and be with me or be just mine. He did that anyway for he believed in us. He called me his soulmate!


"That doesn't account for the fact that he repeatedly made out with other people does it? He's just a jackass."
He's not. He was drunk that one time. Out of control. You forget he stood up for me too. So for one last time, he's not. STOP calling him that. I'm his superwoman, he's superman. And he'd never do anything to hurt me.


"Really? Do you hear yourself right now? What has he been doing for the past one month?"
This is immaterial. It's just a phase. It'll pass, I know it will. He still loves me. He said he'd never love like this again. I believe him. I remember and believe every word he ever said.


"He lied! How difficult it is to understand and just move the fuck on?"
From him? It's impossible. Why would I even want to do that. I'm his. Even on days he isn't mine. He's seeing something I'm not but I feel what he can't right now. He will, when we meet again.


"You are not meeting him again. After what he's done to you? After what you've been through? Seriously?"
It wasn't his fault. I was weak. He hates me for it too, he'll probably always hate me for it. But I'm strong now. My love is my strength, it won't become my weakness. I will meet him again, I will. I miss him.


"Does he miss you? Does he even care? Do you still think any of this makes a difference anymore?"
I don't know.. I guess, a little. He's preoccupied. There are a million things happening and it's warranted. I can't make him miss me, you know.


"Oh yes you can. Take a stand and just stop talking. Make him feel what it's like to live a life without you."
Are you insane? Do you want me to lose him forever? I can't imagine a world in which I don't talk to him anymore. I don't even want to. I cannot make him hate me any more than he already does. I cannot lose anymore of him than I already have.


"You've lost him. You lost him long back. He's taking your presence for granted."
No, no, no.


"Listen to me. You've never behaved like this before. Because you're better than this high-school emo version of lovestruck girls. He doesn't want you anymore. Accept it. His loss but his choice. He'll find others soon and trust you me, he will not even spare a second thought to you. He will not miss you. He will not regret this. And he will certainly not love you back. You have lost him."
No, I haven't. He's still around, he's still there. He always will be. He promised me that. He will not break his promises. He won't let me go, no. He said when I wanted to run away, he'd meet me halfway. He said we're not yet finished. He said.. He said my room in his house. He said, I'm the one thing that means most to him.


"I want to slap you now. He doesn't give a fuck anymore whether you live or die. What you're doing to yourself, what you've become - not a consideration in his head. He had a good time out of it. That's all that it was."
No, it wasn't about having a good time. You know when we met after all those months, he didn't even kiss me? He was so overwhelmed that all he did was look at me with disbelief, unable to pinch himself and unsure if I was actually really there. If he just wanted that, he has a lot of people  to do that with. It was more. So much more. And I am so sick of trying to defend him to the world. Those eyes didn't lie. He protected me, even from my worst nightmares. Don't you dare tell me I was just another girl to him.


"Oh so I shouldn't say it but he can? Isn't that what he said? You're just like other girls?"
He.. He didn't mean it. I've not been myself lately. You know why that is, he doesn't need to. If he knew, he would've stayed and walked with me through this. But it's okay, it's all gone now and he never even has to know.


"Hah. You like to believe it'd make a difference right? It wouldn't. He would go on with his life, same as before. He may not know all of it but he knows bits and nothing changed. He'd probably just ask you about your health once or twice to not feel guilty after. That's it. This make belief world of yours where he'd be there to hold your hand through it, doesn't exist."
What is with you? Why are you tarnishing him in my eyes? It will not work. If the voices in my head don't work, then you never will. I will not belittle him or his thoughts or his actions or his love. You didn't see him this winter. You don't know him, noone does.


"But you do right? You claim to be his reflection? Or wait, was it shadow? So tell me, the other half of his soul, when is he realizing that you're still his in your head and when are you going to stop punishing yourself?"
That I don't know. All I know is I love him. And I'll wait. It isn't over, not yet. He'd told me this himself, long back. This is just one of the random things he does. But he can't push me away. He can't erase the love. I'll wait. I will wait.


"You stupid, pathetic fool in denial. The world doesn't have him wrong, you do. We know exactly what he is but you've got yourself drugged or something for your mental faculties have been seriously impaired I believe now. He is not coming back. If he had to, he would have, long back. He didn't even listen to the last words you said. He doesn't know for he didn't hear. He never will. Just like he never will come back."
He will, you'll see - all of you. All those people who never let me be with him and who're always talking against him and who only see the worst in him - he'll prove you all wrong once again. He will prove me right. He won't end it like this. He'll erase this month like it never even happened and he'll erase all your voices too. He'll come to me again, sing to me again and hold me again. Even if for one last time, he will give me that one time. And after that, we'll stay friends for I'll have closure. He will keep my room in his house. And I will buy him that one house in chennai (or atleast we'll fight over who buys it). And we'll be soulmates forever. That's the end to our story, not this.


"You talk about him like he'd give you some special princess treatment."
He will. I am still that.


"If he was listening to this right now, he'd agree with me and laugh at you. You know that right?"
He'll never laugh at me.


"So you're waiting, till eternity for him now?"
Stop mocking me. I'm waiting. There isn't a deadline in my head, yet. Love has no expiry date.


"His did. And it's come. Anything that follows after, will be toxic and only to harm you further."
I've made up my mind. Nothing you can say will change it. I'm living on the hope, faith and belief that he gave me. I'm not going to give up on them. Or him.


"But you really should you know. It kills me to see you like this. It infuriates me to see him kill you like this."
He always had the power to kill me. But he'll not use it. He wouldn't.


"Hasn't he already? It's all downhill from here, I'm telling you. You're holding on to the wrong person. Even if he knows exactly what happened, and exactly what you're going through and even if he wanted to change it, he will not. He lives for himself. He'll put his happiness before all others. He wouldn't change his mind - there's too much ego, pride and rigidity there. He is not capable of letting himself be affected by emotions, least of all yours. He doesn't really even know love. Or compassion. So please, for the last time, drown him with a drink and let him go.  Forget all these plans to meet him. Be friends, later. Not yet. It's too soon. You love him too much. You've never been so stupid about anything so I know. But please, let him be. He's not worth it. He's not worth this love."
But it's his. Whether he wants it or not, whether he keeps it or not. All the love, this heart was ever capable of - all his. Oh and, he is totally worth it. He is worth every inch of it. It is all his.


"Does he know any of this? Can I tell him please?"
No.. He'll know on his own. And I'll wait till he does. I've said enough, done enough and choked him enough with my wants and needs and desires. But this is about him. His happiness. Let's keep this to us, shall we? Our secret?  


"If he could just see how much you love him.. Despite everything.."
I love him for everything that he is. Everyfuckingthing. And nothing could kill my love for him. Not even he, himself. He'll know that someday, you'll see.


"Oh he wouldn't. I wish he saw it today but he wouldn't."
Why do you say that?


"Because I know him too. He is a jackass."
He is the love of my life while he's at it.


*

Know this. I'm saving my strength to fight. I'm living on to fight. I'll fight them for you, those who say they love me more than you ever could. I'll fight this whole world, full of those who tell me trash about you and expect me to join in or give up on you. I'll even fight you for you. I'll go down trying. We'll laugh over this someday baby. Laugh at how nobody knew you and how I always did.

Happy twenty-eighth, my jackass. Only I get to call you that.
PS: I loved you then, I love you now, I'd love you still, I always will. From your skin to your bones.


*


The part I to this post, here.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Twenty eighth, part I.

Sentence me to death for all my crimes.

I woke up from one of my mini-naps drenched in your scent, in our scent. The fruity fragrance and the strong cologne you'd wear. I try and hold on to it but can't, because it was never there. I imagined it to make myself feel better, feel comforted. I am delusional and I like to create this semi-parallel universe of my own, in which there is just you and me and nobody else. Is it weird that I feel we could complete each other's lives even if we were the only people we had? I commit a sin everyday, a sin of wishing ill of others. I wish ill of the people who get to be with you, who get to see you, touch you, hug you, see you smile. I am a very selfish creature. I wish for this image that I paint of us, to become real some day. I want to see if we make it to forever and after. If not, I want to know who it is who does make it with you. Because as I said, I am not very kind or generous. Least of all when it comes to you. I don't mean to own you- no that was never my intention. I don't want to be the only one. But I want to be the one. Disregarding the time and the distance and the years that pass us by, I want you to look back and think of me as you thought of me that morning. I want to see you extract yourself from your life, for a lifetime of us someday. A day when you pour the drinks, and I dance to the slow hum of blues and we're comfortable in our own haven. unconcerned and oblivious to the surroundings. I want us to scoff at our friends because none of them have felt this way and never will so they can't possibly know what it's like. But that's all way later.

For now, I want to just sleep and not wake up. Because in that sleep, I will forever dream of us. I want to leave you with the guilt of having lost me while I continue on in my made-up world of you and me and us. I am broken and you can fix me. But you chose not to. So I want to break you instead. Slowly, till all you see is me and all you ever want to see is us. I am a criminal. Yes. I am your criminal.


Happy twenty eighth baby. I can wish you by my time now. Because, anyway, you'll never read it and you'll never know. 

Put it on paper.


They all think they know why I write. They don't. I write to get it out of my head. To make it a story, a part of someone else's life, so that no matter how good or bad, I can detach myself from it. And I write about you repeatedly. Over and over again, till you're just a story in my head. So much - in the last pages of my notebooks in class, on yellow sheets of borrowed paper, in the journal that I intend to burn now, here, there, everywhere. But you just sink in, deeper and deeper; and now you're so deep down that you've become a part of me.

I don't know what's worse, the nightmares that make me shiver in my sleep or these dreams which can never be real. I think even my subconscious is in denial. And even though I lose a little more of you, every day, in a different way, I cannot leave your memory at the door. You know the way.

It bites me. To vow to not tell you what I'm feeling and then break these vows every night and come crashing into you. Come crashing to my sleeping sea. My rock which is standing there, rigid and still. Emotionless. You've got to feel it right? As I hit myself, and hurt myself, and bleed against your surface.. Over and over and over again.

I know how it works.. We'll continue to talk and then it'll reduce. I'll feel the sting of every change. Slowly and gradually, messages will reduce from minutes to hours to days to the point where staring at your picture and empty window is all I'll do. I might never see you again. You know how they tell you it gets okay with time? They lie. You know how you say nobody matters. You lie too.

You never think the last time you met someone was the last. You always thinks there's more. I still think there's more, so much more to come. And in my world of make believe, I'll pretend to be yours forever. Let me intoxicate you with these words of love.

And maybe you can fill the silence with the words you once said?
Because if I'd known for even one second that the last time I looked into those eyes that have always pierced my soul, I wouldn't have looked away, if I'd known the last time I kissed you was the last, I'd never have broken that kiss, and if, just if I'd had a slight clue that last time I held you was the last, I'd have never let go. Ever.

Friday, February 24, 2012

So I lit up, crashed, and cracked.

Photobucket


Now I sit here and wonder, if it was even worth it. I was fine on my own, in my shell, in the dark. I was fine, all alone. I lived my life, my way and on my terms. Then you came and showed me what it was to shine up. I told you I liked the darkness, but you dragged me into the sunlight. 
So I lit up.

You told me to open up and let it go, to not hold back and like a kid, I followed obediently. For I was your girl you said, your baby. You told me to listen to my heart when I was confused and I let it take over me completely. You told me that you'd never let me cry and so I let myself be vulnerable. Then you walked out and expected my heart to accept that with a gulp.
So I crashed.

I rise again, go on with my life, do my chores, dress myself but as I walk out the house, the mirror is the one thing I don't look at. As I try and force down food which my body refuses to accept, I'm asked why I'm pale as a ghost. I smile. Everyday I put on a smile, and everyday it wears off. The echo of your words still hangs in the air and I try and imagine what you would say to me if you saw me right now. And then the brain that I was refusing to listen to all along gives me my answer, "I'm long gone. You're in denial. " I heard it and started to weep. I clung to my own limp skeleton and tried to comfort myself that you'd hold me in your arms again. But I couldn't lie to myself anymore.
So I cracked.

I know I'm supposed to be happy that I was out in the sunshine, even if for a little while but I would so rather have stayed in the dark. It was easier then for I was made of metal. But now I've been corroded by the showers of your once undying love. I can't be whole again for I didn't just give you a piece of me.. I gave you my soul. You were to keep it safe forever. I thought falling for you, head over heels, was the best risk I ever took.
But I lit up, crashed and cracked.

-Comes under FF, started by Kanika, which has been my motivation to write everyday.
Please personally open the blog, to appreciate the beauty of the picture for reading the post without it, is incomplete.-

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Neruda.


 Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -- 
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long 
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station 
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep. 

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because 
then the little drops of anguish will all run together, 
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift 
into me, choking my lost heart. 


Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach; 
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance. 
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest, 

because in that moment you'll have gone so far 
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking, 
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?
 

Last wish.

And if death has to come, I hope it doesn't come too soon,
For I have a lot left to say and a lot more, still to do.
When it does, I hope it gives me time enough to walk till your door,
Knock once and then lie beside you on the cold floor.

If death has to come, I intend to have lived by then,
Danced, read, laughed, and giggled with friends.
Loved a few, lost too many,
But always believed in destiny.

And I won't be afraid when death does come,
Because it will finally bring me the chance to become;
The free bird of the blue sky I always wanted to be,
Yes, that's when I'll learn to fly and set myself free.

For when it comes, death, I won't resist or fight,
Just lie in your lap and wait for you to recreate and ignite,
That spark, that love, that feel of your kiss,
And looking in those eyes, I'll forever kiss those lips.

So I'll accept death, as long as your touch I feel,
Upon my skin and existence, one last time as I kneel.
Because if death is how it all ends, I shall be calm,
For what better way to meet my end, than in your arms?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The gunshot.

She had her twenty-fifth birthday present from him. In her hands.
"It's beautiful."
She whispered to herself for he wasn't around. He'd been in a hurry, he had some work which needed finishing. But he'd come, and kept his promise, kissed her on the forehead and said, "Happy Birthday Baby" before rushing off.
She traced her fingers along it's length. The cool, hard metal surface. She'd imagine it for over a decade now - but that imagination didn't come close to the actual feel of holding it in her hand.
*
"Hello. You've reached the voicemail. After the beep, you know what to do."
"Hey.. I came back but you weren't home. I thought we were doing dinner together? Eitherway, have a great day."
*
She had him tied up. The smirk had left his face. For once in her life, the fear resided in his eyes not hers. He did the begging and pleading. She didn't bother to respond, just laughed in her head. How must it feel, she wondered, for him to know that his life lay in her hands? One shot and he'd be gone. Wiped off the face of this earth.
They were in a cave full of mice and as he mumbled something she did not bother to hear, she glanced around at the bottle of scotch she'd brought with her. That had been a present too. But today she didn't need it. Today she didn't need anything else. Just that gun in her hand and the resolve in her head.
*
"Any last words?"
She didn't know why she even asked. For his words were an incoherent jumble she couldn't decipher. She could hear the unplayed music in her head as she fired the shot, right through the head. Her last thoughts to herself were, "Happy Birthday to me."
*
They discovered the bodies days later. He was in a bad shape, though he was still breathing. His misery was more due to the mice who had been chewing him alive than anything else. As for her, she lay in her own pool of blood, a smile upon her face, radiant in her death. The mice hadn't so much as edged near her body, all clad in white, with smears of red splashed on it now for nothing could scar her now. She was safe.
*
And as they buried her by the sea-side for she loved water and has always wanted that, he kept all his promises once more. He wore black, he brought a date and he sang.
The epitaph did finally read:
I just need you to be able to tell people I was here. I laughed, I smiled, I sang, I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could. And that the person that I loved, was you.
(8th July 19xx - 21st July 20xy)
*

Monday, February 20, 2012

Pretty little things.


I look and I try to see. The pretty little thing that I once used to be. But it's gone, so far down in the ground. Did you hear that crashing heart sound? Maybe you missed it with all that loud music around you. My heart was always too small to make splinters, more than a few. I did however expect you to try. But I guess I was just a memory that had to pass you by. I still linger, at the edge of where you thought I flew off, beyond that window. I still walk near you, one step behind but with you always, in your shadow.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Knotted up.

"You've got to know I love you."
"I do."
"There was a time you'd have said it back."
"I know."
"Has that time passed?"
"It has."
-
"I did mean every word I said."
"You did?"
"I still know what you feel."
"You know?"
"And our time will come again."
"It will?"

Friday, February 17, 2012

Lights will guide you home.


I'd been down and out for what seemed like a long time. You struck me when I was at my weakest, and even the slightest brush felt like a deathly blow. The wind was knocked out of my lungs, a little too soon and the lights went out of my eyes, a little too fast. I kept looking around for something to grab on to, something to guide me so I wouldn't fade and disappear into the black but I just fell over and over again in a shuffle of my stumbling steps. 

I kept telling myself it was all a dream, a bad dream which would end but I didn't wake up. As the nightmare continued, I felt something I hadn't felt in years - scared and afraid - so tears found way to my eyes. The only thing that kept me alive in the biting cold, was the warmth of these tears on my skin; and I hated myself for them - for tears couldn't be the way to stay on. I was weak, and dying, and with every last breath I thought not of how to live but how we did, once. 

I groped and I grasped but only air greeted me in place of the arms that I so yearned. I ran when it got too much but it was so dark, so dark without you. I found nothing and breathing became a task in itself. With nothing but blurred memories for company, I found myself growing weaker. It was so much easier to just give in to this darkness. 

Just at the very bleak and destroyed end, when I'd given up all hope of ever being found, or finding something to hold on to, and was tired of fumbling around in the dark, I saw a radiant light. It was far and I didn't think I had the strength to walk the steps to reach it but I somehow dragged my weight along till the end of the tunnel. I had to see what was bringing me this urge to put one step in front of the other, I had to reach it's warmth which seemed so welcoming, I had to discover it's source, this light that was fixing me, one remote ray at a time, even with all the distance in between.

It was a perilous journey, but I did reach my destination - my ray of light, the one which had ignited in me, a desire to exist. When at last I reached it, I stared at it long and hard. When I walked away, it was with the resolve to never be afraid of the dark again. For only in this degree of darkness did I discover the brilliance of this light. This sparkling light in which I saw nothing besides my own reflection. That was the moment it hit me - I kept me alive. It was me all along. 

I'd forgotten that I'm my own light, my own hope, my own strength. Me, me, all *me*; always have been. 
You may have been the hands that I held or the walls that supported me when I was tripping or the stars that lit my way or maybe even the stones that formed my path but it is I that surged forward, the wave that I am and I who always shall; with or without you. I who may have receded for the tides were low for an unusually elongated period, but I who came crashing right back and I always will; with or without you.
I'm my destiny. 
I'm my saviour. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Leap Year.


It's shaking. My head, and my existence. I'm on a never ending train to nowhere and somehow no matter what stop I get down at, only strangers greet me. I know them, I used to know them - their faces seem familiar. Or maybe it's just the faint outlines of people who once pretended to love and care. Then they all dissolved into one large blob of black.

It's moving forward but I seem to be going backwards. I seem to be reliving everything I tried so hard to forget but it's true what they say, you can't run from your past, it always has a way of catching up with you. And so as I scan these faces, I look for the ones that brought me warmth and comfort. Or smiles. Somehow this station has neither.

So I'm still on this train to nowhere and nothing, trying to find a purpose or just something, anything at all to believe in. If the world was to end in 2012, it'd be a shame for there is much yet to be discovered. Life, however, has never seemed more meaningless and futile. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Holes.


It's falling right through,
All of me and all of you.
The happiness we reached so fast,
And the paradise we built.

I'm picking up all the dreams,
Fighting these bottled up screams.
But it's seeping..
Waiting to burst out.

It's not you, it's me,
Just aching to completely break free.
Maybe I'm a loner,
Just a loner.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Water.


 You're the sea. And it's been raining an awful lot lately. Ever since that night, it's like this universe's way of helping me reach you. It's like they want this place to fill up with water and surround me completely. Submerge me. And in moments when I feel it on my skin, I do touch you. Or so I like to believe. But I'm scared to plunge into it now. Not sure if I want to go beneath the surface. For the ugly fish are lurking, waiting to eat me up. But right at the edge, at the surface of it, they can't reach. I only feel you. And so I let it wash over me, this rain that falls every day until I won't be scared anymore. Because I cannot be scared of you. I cannot be scared of drowning in this water. For in the end, is the beginning that awaits us all.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Dissolving.


I'm the colour that painted your sky, and no matter what shade it turns now, my vibrance will not fade. The deep crystals that were my body will remain etched on your skin long after I'm gone. I'm the ink that wrote on the pages that were you, and there maybe many more chapters to unfold but my mark remains mine alone and that will not merge with the rest. I may melt into nothingness for my sun's gone, and soon, but I'll fuse into you, a little more each day until there's nothing left but one entity. No shadows or reflections anymore that can break apart, but one soul. I fade easy.. but this, my love, won't fade or change. I'm not the one in denial here, for though you see every atom of me as uneasy and flickering and weakening, I'm not.. I'm just dying. One slow breath at a time as I take it all in, frame every moment, slowly and carefully for it's all tangible right now - I'm tangible. The body's giving up, at an appallingly fast rate for it can't rest anymore, but for the greater good. And once it's all over, this transition from us to me to nothing, I'll be with you again, my sea. In the depths of nothingness, in the fields of snow, in that paradise that awaits me, I'll come to you. Be with you. Don't look for me anywhere.. I'm dissolving into this universe (which brought us together) as we drift.. And I'll be everywhere.

Nothing is strong enough to stop me, not even you. Whether you know it or not, I'm with you, in you.
Close your eyes, for I've closed mine. It's time to live in dreams baby.

"Tum ko paa hi liya..
Paa hi liya..
Maine yun..
Tu jaane ya..
Main jaanu yeh..
Saath main tere hun.."
-Rockstar

Monday, February 6, 2012

Answers? Anyone?

I gave it all I had. Everything.

Why then? Why me? Why can I no longer write what I want? Why are my words choking me? Why are my breaths short and my thoughts weary? Why is every note of music torture? Why won't this pain end? Why am I not leaving it, following suite?

How did I become this? How am I not facing the mirror anymore? How did my reflection become so repulsive that I can't stand it? How did these eyes lose everything in one night? How did I lose him?

What happened? What did I do? What changed? What did I even expect? What sort of fate is this? What cure? What sadistic joke? What am I still waiting for?

Where did I go wrong? Where do I go now? Where do I look for answers? Where do I belong, if anywhere at all? Where's the belief? Where are the dreams? Where is my sleep, my sanity, my health? Where's my baby?

Do hearts change so easy? Do I get no say? Does love die? Do I fade away? Do I mean nothing? Did I never mean anything? Do I always need to dread the onset of a new year for that's when I'll lose the one thing I treasure the most?

Must all my worst fears and intuitions come true? Must I be Murphy's favourite target? Mustn't I get an equal shot at happiness? Must I remain an insomniac for life? Must I never trust and always give up? Must I bleed? Must nobody love me back?


Kya itna bura hun main maa?
Bolo maa, kya itna bura?  

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Modern day Midas.

Yes, that would be me.
I can even turn pure gold to jinxed rubble.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

In her shoes, for the first time.

So much to say but nothing to say to you anymore.. except okay.

Friday, February 3, 2012

New Beginnings & New Ends.

"If I look back, I am lost.
-Daenerys Targaryen"

So I move forward, constantly. Or so I hope. Because if life's a circle and I'm just going around my own trajectory, then that would mean me coming back right to where I started. Now wouldn't that be sad?

Maybe not. Maybe this time I could get it all right, the first time around. Because that's what everyone tells you right, when you err or fall? It was a learning experience. And it's going to help you "learn". Clearly, we have a lot of it to comprehend because it seems to be one hell of a learning experience. But do we ever really learn? Or are we just going from one mistake to the next, hiding under the cover of experience?

I think this world spins faster each day. And I'm dizzy. Stop. Give me a moment. To look around and take it all in. Figure out how I got here. This is not what I wanted. Give me just a second to separate dreams from reality and illusions from life. Beginnings from ends and the walk in the middle. Or did we run to the end? Did we all run to the end too soon?

I think we did. But we're here.
Now what?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Khamaaj.

Let me weep a little. Weep a little in your memory today. Let me let this song wash over me for she assures me it's mine. It always was. Let me sing out these words to you, I swear I'll sing for you're the only one I ever sang to. You're the only one who liked to sing with someone like me. Let me relive your memory, just today. I'll be strong tomorrow. I will. But today, let me be weak with you. Just for today, be my strength. Let me in. I won't stay long but let me in?