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Friday, September 7, 2012

Keeping me hostage.

I stumble out of my slumber unexpectedly, almost abruptly and realize what I'd been dreaming of, again. You. In one of the million settings that my subconscious loves to create. Though this one apple didn't fall too far from the tree. A random party with countless acquaintances and you just happen to be there, which in reality will never happen for our paths will never cross again unless we want them to, but well, my dreams have other plans.

They lead me to you, over and over again. Do they not take a hint from my active attempts at trying to distance myself from your very existence? Apparently not. So I'm there and so are you and this one mutual friend who kind of likes me. And then just for kicks you ensure that you have me, probably just for the night, to prove a point - mark your territory perhaps. I try feebly to resist that charm, spark and connection that exists between us, but you never did take no for an answer. When sheer charm isn't enough, your force isn't something alien either and I almost surrender willingly. Because you're there, and you want me. Even if that means destroying something good with someone else, I can't bring myself to care. Warning signs and red lights spring up in my head all at once, but what power do they have against your lips? Against our history? Against my masochistic faith in the fact that we fall apart only to come together again.

*

There are stories to be written, many of them. And I'd rather that you didn't feature in all of them. It's exhausting. You walk in and assume the lead role and no matter how hard I try henceforth, no other person or character seems important once you're in the frame. Once you're in, it's like I'm blind to the very storyline - I don't care for the end or the bigger picture - I just have eyes for you. And that inevitably destroys all these stories making them mundane and repetitive, and oh so monotonous.

The little girl falls for the bad guy and the rest has been dissected over in a million ways by many script writers. It's not unknown territory. There's a lack of imagination. But what if that's the only story I'm capable of writing? Ours? What if all my stories will forever have you or a hint of you in them? That's a tragic thought as a writer, though I'm not sure if I should even call myself one anymore.

*

Then there's that smile. I almost forgot about your smile. When that flashes in my memory, how could I even complain? It makes up for my sleepless nights and pretty much everything that you've put me through. That one smile and I'm done for. I'm coming clean here, you own me baby. It's not even a question - it's just a fact - one you use to your benefit always and the one that makes me lose all respect for me but it is what it is. But you really need to set me free.

I want to fly. There's so much I still need to see. So many words and thoughts that you just have been cluttering up. I'm yours. I always will be yours in a way I will never be anyone else's for I won't even try. So once you know this, you can loosen that grip darling. Let me live up to my potential atleast. You may go down in my stories as a lot of things, a bitter disappointment might even be one of them but you can't be the reason that I was destroyed. So here's your little girl, asking you to please just fade away. Into the unknown. I can't be your hostage any longer. I need to break out of this prison that you've built for me.

95 comments:

  1. Good sir, kind sir, please may I have an ounce of Kryptonite?

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  2. Are you a comicbook fan? That would determine if we're comically compatible. :P

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  3. Lol. Not particularly. Used to be a big Archies fan. And the superheroes ofcourse. But that's where it kinda ended for me. Where comicbooks end, books begin :)

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  4. You are so young, child. 'Book' is a part of 'comicbook'. The comicbook is the universal set, of which the book is a teensy weensy subset. Pssh. :-]

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  5. http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/glee/images/7/76/Okay-Guy-Meme-Face.jpg

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    1. Are you on this vile platform called FB?

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    2. Oh yes. Sadly, yes. It's become impossible in this world to not be on it.

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    3. "Look to my coming, at first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the East."

      Sushmit Mitra Mustafi. Find me. There can be only one Mo Jo Jo Jo in this world.

      Do so, and you get a free tale about the origin of my heavy-duty name. My surname, rather.

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    4. Which part wasn't clear? And no I am not Hannibal Lecter. Well maybe sometimes.

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    5. All of it reeks of ambiguity.
      But yeah I get what you're trying to do. I can't possibly guess.

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    6. what I was trying to do, was lead you into a forest into a hut made of candy, so a witch could come out and eat you, a la hansel + gretel. Less seriously, I was answering, or trying to answer your question about the meme faces. You are too steeped in darkness, see? Go to 9gag.org to check out the origin of memes. Geddit, you Patagonian Petticoat?

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    7. Haha. Well. It'll take more than just comments to get me to smile you know. Like the actual real thing. Not the plastic fake one.

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    8. I'll apply water to the burned area. :)

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    9. Good luck with that :P
      Never add water to acid, weren't you taught ?

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    10. I study chemical engineering, so yes, for the sake of leading a happy and healthy life, I do have to keep points like these in mind :)

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    11. So then applying water is certainly not the way to go.
      Btw did I mention your post for Indiblogger was damn innovative?

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    12. How would I know there's acid too? Self injury is your forte, not mine :)

      As for the Melbourne thing, it could have been way better. I had my midsems till the 18th, so I had only a couple of hours to write. So that is what I did, unloaded one hundred and twenty minutes worth of crap; its all for the pen drive, see. Melbourne trip to bada jeetne wala hu jaise :P Yours, and most peoples' posts are far better, so good luck :)

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    13. I thought we knew a few basic facts about me by now, what after a plethora of comments :)
      Ah come on. Mine reeks of immaturity and lack of whatever. There are waay better posts. But I liked how different yours was. I barely even read everyone's. Was making me feel a tad too incompetent.
      As for Melbourne, maybe the budding engineer and doctor can make it there on their own, y'know ;)

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    15. Do you always carry a vial of corrosive substance on your person? At all times? It is kind of a health hazard, you know. :)

      And I read a couple of posts, they were really brilliant. You wish to be a doctor?

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    16. Pretty much yeah. You never know when you might be tortured out of your deep, dark secrets. A cyanide tablet can prove pretty handy then.
      And sadly, yes.

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    17. You make Christ's crucifixion look like a kindergarten birthday party. And guess what, Irony just called and told me a really funny story about this kid who wants to be a doctor, but the best med she can recommend is a cyanide tablet.
      :p

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    18. Hahaha, well then I'm doing something right :P
      Well.. You got me there. Savour the moment, doesn't come along too often :P

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    19. Oh, it will, it will :)

      And what kind of stories did you grow up on?

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    21. And my apologies. My estimation of your age was totally off the mark. It was based purely on the statement 'Happy fourteenth,you' in that blood/gore/acid slugfest. I took that as your birthday. And now I see you're blogging since '07. So if you were fourteen now, that would mean you're blogging since you're nine, and that Ma'am, simply doesn't add up. My apologies again, it probably meant your fourteenth anniversary or something....By all the gods we bow before, I am SO sorry!!! :O :O :O

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    22. Whoa. You thought I was 14? REALLLLLY?

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    23. Yes,Ma'am! And that is why I was so curious as to what kind of fourteen year old is SO eerily steeped in darkness that I was almost beginning to believe that you were one of the Undead. And hence the patronising tone, the sarcasm and hence the thought that memes would cheer you up and everything else. I apologise, Shiromi. Really sorry.

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    24. Sigh, if only. :P
      And yeah I was surprised at the patronising too. The sarcasm as I said before I quite like. And to think you relate my writing with a 14 year old's. Dukh.

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    25. Yes Shiromi, I really believed at first you are one of those pesky preteens who after one breakup think that the world is coming to an end. Then it struck me that your writing is a tad too mature for a fourteen year old
      . And THEN i saw you're a blood, gore and tears hosepipe right from '07. And thus began my walk of shame.
      So let me start again with a regular safe comment , preferably as a girl. Girls comment well: Wow, awesome! What brilliant lines, really emotional. You know what, you have to stop thinking about him. I had an ex too who flew away to Uranus blah blah, i was betrayed more blah. I too went through this phase and so took an advanced online course on how to cut yourself into little duck shaped pieces extreme blah. And yes i lurrrrve your style of writing. Toodles <3

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    26. Why thank you my love. Clearly, you get me so much. Clearly. And I find you to be my soul sister just after these few comments worth of conversation with you. You understand me better than my own mother. And I know right? Self-destruction helps so much. I wonder why people don't get it. Do try slitting your wrists bytheway. Tried and tested but worth it's money, which incidentally is not much to begin with since blades are pretty darn cheap.
      How did you get over him though 'babe'? Because from where I'm standing it all seems so bleak, I doubt I'll survive another breath without him. Write back soon k? I look forward to your mails. They are the highlight of my otherwise pointless day. Kisses and other mush sister.

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    27. I fear I have met my match :P So, lets co-author a paper called 'The Economics Of Wrist Slitting'. And yes, I got over her by watching endless reruns of FRIENDS, and of course, Transformers. I watch that movie every week, true story. And yes, a doctor who recommends self destruction and has a blog ID of nicotine overdose....Ah well, happy days are here again ^_^

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    28. I'd rather it be titled, Heartbreak. So much classier. Besides there is not much of an economic angle to wrist slitting anyway besides what I already mentioned 'honey'.
      Heh you actually answered that truthfully. How long were you dating for anyway? And FRIENDS, well, I know it line by line for a really long time now.
      Ps. What's with the constant puns about Medicine? I want to save lives doesn't have to make me particularly fond of mine you know.

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    29. But 'Economics of wrist slitting' makes it nerdier. :)

      We were dating for about a year after which it imploded. And yes, Chandler Bing is god! And yes again, you are indeed a good source of jokes, you little bag of paradoxes. :D

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    30. True that.
      So if I may be crude enough to ask, were you the dumper or the dumpee? :P
      What other sitcoms do you indulge in?

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    31. Its not that simple,we both were dumpers and dumpees at some point. I don't think a breakup is any one party's fault, unless he/she is cheating on his/her partner. What say you? :)
      I watch BBT, Dexter and HIMYM too. Also X-Files and Twin Peaks. :)

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    32. Oh no, it can be. A mutual parting of the ways is not but a break up can be.
      Sheldon :D
      And Barneyyy :DD
      Shame they're both gay. Especially the latter.

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    33. Ah well, its complex, with me playing smartass to no small extent. Again, a mistake, a big mistake, whatever I did :)

      Yes, Sheldon and Barney are both great, although I am not exactly concerned about their sexual orientation :D

      But nobody comes close to Chandler, oh no missy. And yes, do watch Dexter, I daresay you'll like him :)

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    34. breakups if they're one thing, it's messy. So don't beat yourself up.
      Barneyy! Me want. Hence me cares about the orientation.
      Heh yeah Chandler was the pioneer. And I've heard that before but I just can't seem to find enough time. Besides I get hooked as fuck and if I fall in love there will be no stopping me. And there are seven seasons. Damn.

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    35. Oh, Shiromi :) Once again, I must iterate that self injury is really not my thing, so no, I will not beat myself up, (although I know fully well that it was just an expression, but couldn't resist :P)

      Yes there are 7 seasons, but there's plenty of blood involved, you know? Yum yum anyone? :-9

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    36. Blood.. yummm. I have been called a vampire you know :P
      Maybe I shall oblige afterall.

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    37. if it makes you feel any better, i think you'd put a vampire to shame any given day. Especially whn you're still fourteen after so many years, you know :)

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    38. Now I'm flattered. But 14 exactly the age I'd want to arrest in. What with puberty still kicking in :P
      Seventeen would be sweet.

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    39. Nope, fourteen it is. What does Shiromi mean? Hindi for Slash? :)

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    40. Hahaha.
      No Ceylonese for 'the best'.
      Not a very modest name is it?

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    41. Us Indians don't really believe in modesty when it comes to names, you may have noticed :)

      And I think this is far better than the firangis, who have names (and surnames) like Bird,Black,Brown....and sadly, Dick. I tell you.

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  8. Yeah we go all out in this one sphere of life I admit.
    Heh. I've actually been to a wedding however where the groom's surname was 'Bhukmarya'. My dad wanted to gift him a bag of rice :P

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    1. Maybe he was the inventor of Hungry Hippos? Hey let's have a game of Slap Bet :p

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    2. What is slap bet?
      Explain and I'll oblige :D

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    3. Remember, Shiromi? :) :)

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cp3xtBOl5uw

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  9. Haha. But but how do you 'play' it ?
    :/

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  10. Replies
    1. On second thoughts, poor choice for a game. I would not slap a lady, not even the Ice Queen of Narnia, oh no :)

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    2. Good boy.
      I don't like men who do. Like even if she hits you, you just never do. Basic courtesy. Apparently doesn't exist these days though.

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    3. come on Shiromi, there are still, a few good men left in this world. You simply seem to have come across the wrong ones :) and btw your name has a nice ring, like saying 'jam roll' :D

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    4. Yeah I don't deny that. But the sight is getting rarer. Hence the applaud for the soon to be extinct species :P

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    5. Oh Shiromi, you are so deluded. When one encounters an endangered species, one helps conserve it, not applaud and scream 'die, like your worthless brothers'. True story, jam roll...true story :P

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    6. I thought applauding would help cheer them up *shrugs* :/
      Jam roll. And I was the 14 year old. Sheesh.

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    7. No, cheering up is a short term benefit. We want permanent results, see? That is why we create national parks for tigers, instead of clapping and cheering them. Clear? :O

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  11. Killjoy. Yes that's the word for you.

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    1. Few people have been so generous in terms of adjectives, little one. :)

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    2. Few people have been such kill joy *makes the idunno symbol from bbm*
      Which now seems silly if you don't own a Blackberry but well. Maybe you can look around :\

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    3. Nah, not a BB fanboy :D And yes, I have been called many things, but killjoy is a first. But I like it. Something to add to my CV, you know B-)

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    4. Ah.
      And heh. I love being a first of any sorts so yay :D

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    5. Playing Monica Geller, are we? :)

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    6. No, no. Could never be a freak about cleanliness. Mother would've loved me by now :P

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    7. But you seem to have developed a healthy competitive streak ^_^

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    8. http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/9450601.jpg

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  12. Replies
    1. Yeah, I bet you never laughed harder, right?

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  13. You.
    Beautiful little word isn't it?

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    1. Is it? Which would you prefer? Youtube or IPhone? :P

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  14. Uff. iPhone.
    But you know what I mean :|

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    1. Of course, don't we all :D So tell me, how many cadavers did you meet today?

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  15. Ah none. Used to meet those in first year. This year I take histories if actual patients. It's no fun at all. I bunk pretty often :P

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    1. But you must miss them, na...dead, dark, sad, shrivelled, bloodless...if you were John Mayer, you'd sing 'your body's a wonderland' to them :D

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    2. Hahaha, actually no. I prefer dark, troubled, disturbed and living :P
      And your body is a wonderland is sung to me not by me :P

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    3. Normally, yes. But, you should be giving them a few concessions; they're dead after all :D

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    4. Necrophilia. Not for everyone. I'm impressed :D

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    5. Yeah well I had to draw a line somewhere :P

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    6. Yes, not everyone is Felix Baumgartner :D

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    7. High would be such an understatement.

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    8. What interesting wordplay we're having here :)

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