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Monday, January 20, 2014

Friends, Lovers or NOTHING.

Dearest Ex,
The journey's complete. It had been for a while now in reality but my subconscious cemented it today too. There'll never be an inbetween - that much was certain but unacceptable to me. However now in no state of mine is there any room for you in the capacity that there used to be. 

It took so long that it's almost unbelievable.. I don't even know how to react. I guess I've gotten used to your memory but I realized how that memory has gotten so faint over time and that voice has dissolved into nothing - so much so that it is now a mere amalgamation of so many others - an attempt to recreate something which I can't even remember. It used to be crystal clear in my head and now ? Nothing.


Last night I was with someone I love. He loves me back. We were driving all over town. I was being picked from some sort of station, I can't recall which. We bumped into each other in the train and somehow couldn't help but look. At what the past was like.. At how much we'd changed.. At the lack of electricity in the air despite us being in the same compartment. Or atleast that was my version of it. 

We got to where we wanted and you didn't have a ride back. My boy wasn't interested in doing you any favours and even though you and I hadn't so much as exchanged a word, I couldn't help but worry. The driver dragged me away but I made them come back. It had started to snow and rain all at once and everyone in the car was giving me hell but I came back for you. I saw you walking with some random chic, drenched to the bone and I got down and ran to you. I don't know what it was - impulse or instinct and before I knew it I'd taken my coat off and put it on your back and was leading you to a place with some sort of cover. 


You: "You came back ? I knew you would."
Me: "Yeah well now change. You'll catch a cold. I'll get you dropped."


Somehow the place changed into your hostel room and I needed a change for I was soaked as well and you were only too happy to oblige. Another room, another girl. I was so unaffected though. You kept trying to get to me and I kept being uninterested. I was watching our shadows from above and couldn't believe my disinterest. Sure I cared about you but that was like caring for a homeless person. All I wanted a roof over your head. 

You: "Why are you doing all this for me?"
Me: "Because I care."


See that's the problem with people like me. We care. About the most undeserving, insignificant people in the world. We can't watch suffering by the sidelines. We need to act.
When my boy came over to check on me, I hugged him, kissed him and you were left staring at the dust around us. You tried so hard all dream long to break us apart but I was so firm - it makes me gleam with pride in retrospect. When he left, I was on the phone with him. It irritated you enough to snatch it away and mock me and threaten me with unrealistic sermons. And still I beared with you. I put up with you to see you safe. I even called that slut from your past just to know there'd be someone to see you through the night.
Something in me still sinks. And I love you but that's love like I'd love a stray pup on the street. I don't want the pup dead but I can't bring it home either. I like to comfort him and give him the affection he so desperately craves but I can't get too close as he might bite. For he is stray. And I have a home to get to. A home he would infect and contaminate.
You're the stray in my story now. From superman to starlitlover to manslut to this. How far we've come. And how glad I am to be here.

I've finally stopped the train. I've come home again.

Monday, January 6, 2014

What makes us, 'Us' ?

There's nothing to it really.

A few exchanged glances, an innate read of the other's thoughts and an omnipresent desire to see a hint of that smile on your face. Yes, I think that smile is what brought us here.
Back when we just got to know each other for you see I take time to know people, really know them that is, I'd see the pain you'd shoulder and the brave front you'd put up for everyone around you as if impervious to emotions. Childhood problem, I'd think to myself. But as I grew to relate to the enigma that is you, I couldn't help but fall in love.

So complexly woven and yet so simple. I worry you couldn't hurt a fly if you wanted to. Unless well the fly did something to offend me. Then you'd chop its wings and torture it to its last, painful breath. For you see I bring out that in you. That severity of emotion which you'd detached yourself from - or perhaps never even had in you.

What makes us, 'Us' is the look we share over every insignificant detail - watching a show, a movie. When a song plays and it instantly reminds one of the other. When you get that glint in my eye when a cheapass B-grade hindi song plays. When you smile at the way my face lights up at the sheer mention of food. When I find you lost in thought and say, "What?" to bring you back to planet earth. When I think of you at the start of the day. And the end of the day - whether good or bad. When you absolutely must know what's happening in my life - the lack of which makes me hyperventilate and restless. That's what makes us, 'Us'.

But that's not all obviously. The lifelong understanding of the irrational puzzle that I am and the understanding of the steady yet distant tide you can be. The knowledge that no matter what - we'll always have each other. That together, we can fight all odds. That this connection probably dates back to a previous lifetime or era for we haven't possibly spent enough time together in this one to be what we are.

We are us because you make me who I am.
For that and much else, I love you.
Happy New Year.

All I wish for is that this year and the years to come keep us together for with you I can brave the coldest winter and without you even summer would turn gloomy and foggy.