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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Maybe.

I'm a dreamer so maybe I just dreamt it all. Imagined you, my version of you, and just believed in it. In you. I imagined that you loved me, and that you meant what you said. I thought you'd be happiest when you're with me, and miss me when I'm not around. I believed that you wouldn't let anything tear us apart, least of all your ego, and that you'd never let a tear roll down my face. I felt like you cared about me and no matter how crazy my whim, you'd gladly give in.

But this is all me. Maybe I am just a dreamer and you were just a dream because I wake up and you're gone. All I'm left with is the silence of these winds that engulf me. You are still my favourite dream and I look forward to meeting you each night, like a little kid who cares not about what a candy does to his health, but just wants it for it's sour-sweet taste; like an addict who knows somewhere deep down that the drug's killing him but he takes one last shot anyway, because he's hooked and can't bear to stay away; like a wave who hits a rock, which is rigid and refuses to move but it gets hurt, recedes, then comes back aching for more.

You break me and hurt me and maybe this is the you I'm supposed to be seeing but I don't. This is not the you I see in my head when I close my eyes. And for that image in my head, I'd do anything. For that smile, for those eyes. Because I meant every word I ever said to you and maybe just maybe you meant a few of them too. Or maybe I imagined those words and promises also, just like everything else about you and us.

Yes I'm a dreamer so maybe I imagined the perfection, the chemistry, maybe even the love. Maybe it was just me all along. But was it really? When did you fade away from my reality? Were you walking away all this while that I was taking steps towards you? Am I reaching out for hands that are not there? Am I in love with someone who doesn't care about my existence?

Is my favourite dream turning into my worst nightmare? Or has it been that all along?

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