Looking back at 2023

This is where we bleed --

It has definitely been a year of bleeding... loss, death, grief... losing my ability to even convey strength in words to all those that I watched struggle... helplessly... paralysed almost... willing but unknowing... this year has taught me the importance of silent presence... reaching out when it is hardest... and being there for your people when you absolutely have no idea how... 

Maintaining adult friendships took on a new meaning this year with more hits than this space has had in a while... but all necessary... as we grow up, it's neither good nor bad that some people don't grow with us... it's normal to have disagreements, to not have the same commitment, to fall apart, to not be okay with certain toxic traits in your life, to want something different, and to limit the people you want to build it with/for...

Building a marriage/partnership was a big one this year and by far the easiest (though it wasn't all roses and good times) compared to all the rest. Navigating family has always been tricky for me but figuring out this new family of two came almost naturally to him. I have had to struggle and realise that you have to know how to self-soothe for your partner to be able to soothe you... you need to be responsible for your own happiness to appreciate the joy that your partner adds to your life... you need to be invested in growth and learning to truly carve a middle path which works for both of you...

Rediscovering... travel (hills, beaches, snow-clad mountains, river sides), reading (my god! rediscovering the thrill of turning pages), writing, dancing, (and myself)... has been the definite highlight of this year.  This meant a lot of building, dissolving, rebuilding habits -- sticking to things that I haven't stuck to in ages -- skincare, books, reduced screen time, journalling, gratitude -- I think I have done the most amount of gratitude, meditation, movement, writing (albeit unstructured) this year than the many years before this... dare I say I owe it in part to my "better" half... (feminist cringe)

Professional growth and setbacks have also been on my mind a lot this year.. (not big enough as a brand, not strong enough as a supervisor, not effective enough as a therapist)... I wanted to do SO much and while I did a LOT, it still has come up short in my mind... 2023 was more maintenance than growth and I struggle to call that a victory... There have been some big wins but the goodbyes have hit harder... the questions have lingered longer... and the sheer frustration that accompanies a doctoral degree has been overwhelming... 

I set many intentions for this year and frankly built a lot of them... so my percentage of success has gone up... in that regard and that regard alone, this year should count as a win... but it somehow just doesn't... I don't even want to write about 2024 in the same space, I want to bring different intentions for the next year... from a place of hope, courage, and resilience... as of now, I'm just glad to have built, re-built, maintained, consolidated, failed, burnt, broken, whatever I did this year... it was a tough one... I'm glad it's over...

Three words to sum up my 2023: loss, learning, love

i decline

 Remember when I could just come here and bleed?

When did this place stop being my safe sanctuary? When did I stop returning?

Was it when I tired of writing about him? 

Was it when she told me that it worried her when she read about my difficulties?

Was it when they didn't show any appreciation or validation?

I don't know when it was but these words, they stopped flowing here. I stopped feeling like I could put them out there for the whole world (and at the same time paradoxically, no one) to see. 

I still write -- perhaps this year i have written much more than ever before. I write because that's all I know. I don't know how else to let it all out. How to process without expressing. How to make sense of it all. I don't know if there is any meaning at all. But these words, the sound of my keys clicking and clanking away is the one way I create any. I find it within me this need to put it all out. Put it to paper. Record it. 

Perhaps this is the only way i will be remembered

The only way i will be known and distinguished from the unknown. The only way I'll get through this journey is with these words. Nothing in the heavens can explain why we are all just slowly burning away into nothingness. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. In the end it's all about the love we send out, isn't it? 

No. It's also about the pain and the suffering. The pain we shoulder together. The suffering that we persevere through. This life can't be lived with only the love. To love is to know pain. And as I type it, a sense of terror seems to take over, i don't think i have it in me to love anymore. i just can't do any more pain. 

none. 

New year, new me :)

 What a year 2022 was!

It's been a year of new beginnings (what with my marriage and settling into a house and trying my best to make it into a home in a new city), recreating work identities, and most of all celebration pro max (aka weddings - me and some of my closest/bestest friends). I don't think I've ever gone into a year and come out of it so incredibly changed (and evolved if I may) and a large part of that credit goes to my family, my partner, and my therapist.

I'll eventually get back to this blog (and writing in general) a lot more because I do have many life updates to share in detail and recommendations to make for those few shining stars that still show up here. However, let today's post be all about what I intend for 2023 to look like so I (and all of you) may hold me accountable for the same:

1. Exercise - 10 minutes daily. No questions, no excuses. The research on this is indisputable and I do wish to scale a mountain someday so might as well get started.

2. Eat right - No ordering in. Four junk passes, preferably all in person but minimum two in person meals outside. I have been a slave to food all my life and would really like to be the one in control of it and not the other way round.

3. Skill enhancement- Dance and financial literacy. By the end of the year reach an intermediary level at least. My friend has really inspired me to start dancing again and I am tired of how gendered the financial literacy levels are in the world (not just in India) so I want to do my bit to make a dent in that stat.

4. Read- One book per month so 12 books this year is a must. Hopefully 1 book for leisure and 1 for psychology each month (would total to 24) but we will see if we get there. I used to read a book every week as a child and to go from that to 3 books last year (with a lot of effort)) is abysmal. It's time to get off the screen and on the page.

5. Mindfulness- Five minutes every single day. I know the benefits, the merits and the science. Now I have just got to sit down and do the damn thing. I'm not going to let app preferences/subscriptions (Headspace has really been toying with me!) get in the way of that either. The aim is to get ten percent happier and I know mindfulness is the sustainable way to get there.

There are some other habits that I have been doing (albeit unsuccessfully) off and on and would like to enhance and continue. However I don't want them to be in my top five else I become too ambitious and end up doing nothing! So here are five additional things I'd like to strengthen if I can push myself more on some days:

1. Continue daily gratitude work - Let's hit 365/365 this year!

2. Journal and write - five words, five sentences, five pages doesn't matter. Just show up to the page every day.

3. Scheduled house time - things pile up very quickly and I like my house to be a certain way (mom must be smiling) so I'd rather put in the work daily to ensure it doesn't leave me frazzled

4. Reduce average screen time to 2 hours per week - I'm already honouring my 15 minutes Insta-limit. It's time to further challenge myself and step away from screens as much as possible.

5. Grow my brand - all new plans for TST to be executed this year. Consistent curiosity, learning and growth, will be the mottos of this year.

What are your new year resolutions or plans? Do you wish to join me in building some of this together and keeping each other more accountable? Do you want to reflect on why resolutions or plans are beneficial or necessary? Or do you just want to hit snooze on this ultra ambitious rant and get some more sleep in this freezing winter?

Whatever you choose, I'll be there with you :)

xx