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Friday, November 26, 2010

The worst day in the history of days.

25th November, 2010

This date will go down the calendar as the worst I ever lived. It was the day I lost everything including the little respect I had for myself and the little trust that my parents had in me. It was the day I lost the only savings I ever had and all attempts to make any ever again. This was the day I lost any sense of direction that I had gained in the past months, a sense of responsibility maybe for the want of a better word.

It was also a day that I realized I am a fucking kid, a careless, useless piece of ass at that who wants the best but doesn't deserve it and like hell can't take care of it. I needed my parents back home, and I need Shail and Abhinav here to get me through because frankly I am just one of those losers pretending to be cool who can't do shit on their own.

If I was ever in a real crisis, I'd never be able to get out without calling my father for help. And my life has always been one big crisis. Have you heard about those people who curse everything they touch, the ones who're jinxed? Now you just added another to your list.

My friend told me today that maybe whatever shit happens to me, saves me from bigger shit but frankly I don't know how much bigger it gets. A bullet through my head would hurt less, trust me. At least the pain would be temporary.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


This is life, this truly is life.
When you wake up to skyscrapers and can take walks at three in the morning and see the city alive and awake around you.
When you party from midnight to ten in the morning straight and still think you want more.
When everything is always alive and happening and makes you trippy and high on happiness.
You tend to flow into the beat of the city, the rhythm that it brings. It's exhilarating and everything you always wanted your college to be like. You walk into clubs and you feel you're in a hollywood set for once with alcohol spilling all around, people who're grooving to music that you love but could never find playing anywhere, the lights are well, just how you like them and the people you see there are just that - people. No stories, no histories. You could make out with them and not give a shit; they could buy you a drink and make you feel worth the effort of dressing up or you could push them away if you don't want to dance next to them. You're a nobody and they're nobodies and still you all fuse into each other and blend together, and create something that makes a night, just a night, nothing more, nothing less.

That's life. Fast and on a constant high and the background score is rock not trance.
Nothing's stagnant, or boring or stale.
Damn, I should transfer.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I'm going home!

Why did god give gap between our fingers?
So that someone special could fit theirs, in this space.
Then why did god give gap between our legs?

These lines have caused much laughter today. Mostly in my head so I doubt it counts. Which brings me to the essence of it all, happiness. The one in my head. I head home soon so maybe that's the cause of it all. The reason why every day seems to be passing me by at a leisurely pace and i don't seem to mind just whiling away my time since I know, the good times are here soon enough. I find myself enjoying my friend play NFS all day. Hell, I don't even mind looking at my friend read her ebook. This is life. Contentment in places you never thought you'd find it.

A boy is unnecessary for this state of bliss, though it does help matters a little, very little. For that I have friends back home who more than make up for it. And I have a few here who know just what to say or do to make my problems fade away.

Alcohol is also not a happiness determining factor though it is a joy bringing experience. If you can understand the paradox here and still relate to it then you are truly, my friend ;D

Music ofcourse can cause both elation and misery but now that I am going home the tunes bring me profound happiness rather than the usual despair that they caused all through the year. Also, someone recently sent me a bunch of songs which have quite a nice rhythm to them. My favorite ofcourse is an oldie from my mother's collection - Rum and Coca cola.

I am also sort of in the middle of that phase when you're over someone like not the real them but the idea of them which you were making yourself believe. That's actually the point when you realize that the moving on bit wouldn't be as tough as you first thought it would. And inevitably, there is someone else in the picture.

Any guesses?
To avoid controversies, or maybe to spring up the most vivid of them all this winter, I'm going home. :D

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

High School on steroids.

I read this line somewhere and I like how it sums up college in just one line, just like that. It's very difficult to do that sort of shit. Like when I came to grade six English was all about writing elaborate answers and giving all the minute details, which I liked by the way, since Bhai always says God lies in the details. But the switch was made soon enough and literature my friend, was made brief and concise. I was told it doesn't take much to drone on and on for a page to write a character sketch. It's doing it short and snappy that requires actual skill.

For me personally that's been quite a challenge. Words don't come to me in rationed packages. They come free-flowing, never stopping so it's tough to put a period mark anywhere really. Hence I remain in semi-awe of people who have the ability to do this. And nobody's summed up college better.

I pretty much hated high school, it was a bitch. The popular groups, the cliched in circle, the obsessive need to be surrounded by friends all the time, things like that. How being a loner was uncool and your worth was judged by the number of 'friends' you made on facebook. I should get back to that someday, by the way, this whole concept of friends on social networking sites. But for now, let's stick to high school, or actually college.

College is like someone snorted a whole lot of cocaine, the instant rush is exhilarating, maybe eventually even addictive but it leaves your body hollow. You're supposed to leave everything behind and make new friends. Trust people once you're old enough to know better than fall for their crappy lies and fake smiles. After college, you can't go back to parental supervision. You get used to your own space and freedom but at times you just want to scream at the walls and tear apart the sky in itself. You want the silence to not take up every inch of your existence. You want to let loose and expect people to you know, just get you, like they did back home.

But that's the thing. College will never be home. It'll be a shit load of work and fun eventually but it will never be home. They've always spoken of the friends you make in college, but do you really? Because I think all my good friends were made way back and they're the ones who know me and always will. People here are running around just as scared as me it seems, and even more oblivious about each other's existence. It's like we're all in our own pseudo spheres of self calm which can break at any second.

College is just high school with more expensive books. (Quote: Gossip Girl, my apologies but college has bored me enough to become regular with that show). The whole damn world is just as obsessed with whose the best dressed and whose having sex. (Quote: Bowling for Soup). I guess everyone always is more interested in what's going on with someone else's life. Maybe the lack of spice in their own makes them such gossip addicts. Whatever it is, it doesn't change in college. Just gets blown up to a 70 mm screen except that there are so many movies of so many people that you don't really know which one to watch.

Also once you're grown up, at least almost there, you find it harder to let the pretense lose and just be you, especially in a world where everyone is trying to make you be someone else. You're judged on your taste in music, your choice of movies, your smoking and drinking habits, your clothes, your English, every thing is put to a test under every human microscope which has a different way of analyzing it. I do it too, so can't blame you all.

However what you need to remember through all of this is, you got through high school, alive (barely, some of us) but you did. And you will get through college. And these days, the ones right here that we're living right now, will be missed just as much as the ones we lived back then, though I know at times that seems highly unlikely.

School was a bitch,
College is a whore.

But here's to my college anyway which may be crappy and sucky and a pain in the ass but it's still managed to give me friends which will last me a lifetime, an unconditional and unexplainable love for the number three and experiences which will last longer than I do.

PS: Dedicated to all the people who made these ten months here bearable. I hope things are like they used to be when I come back because they've become slightly messed up right now. I don't know if it's me or you or us but whatever it is, I think all we need is space and you'll miss me just as much as I'll miss you.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Let's go back in time and record it all, because this was pretty perfect now wasn't it? A day out of a dream maybe. Brilliance written all over it. Showers of affection and friends. who knew this world still exists? or was this just a dream? An inception perhaps, planted in my head by someone else? The virus of a idea.

I got another one last night. I don't quite know if someone broke into my thoughts, scanned through them and planted it there; or if it was there all along and I was just suppressing it to avoid being hurt; or if I've been manipulated. Whichever it is, I can feel myself growing to like the idea, maybe just the unattainability of it is what captivates me, it's what always captivates me. Who wants something easily conquerable?

Life gets boring and I certainly get bored of things sooner than most people would. And somehow you're just not interesting enough to hold my attention anymore. I used to think the distance would do us good, it would make me miss you. But now I think quite the contrary. the distance will make me believe what i already do at some level, that I am over you and at some level always was. because nothing about you enchants me anymore. i can see through the facade that you put up. I know the pretense right through and I can tell you're fake.

I hate fakes. being original does that to you.
And I find myself increasingly realizing the fakeness of you, of us.
Let's press backspace then, shall we?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Happy Birthday Baby

They say I'm thankless and unappreciative. They say I whine a lot, sulk too much. They say I can never look at the bright side or even acknowledge the existence of one.

Just for today, it changes.
Today I'm grateful. Because today, life gave me you.
Happy Birthday Darling, you not only mean the world to me, you're the reason I am a part of it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Him and her.

He called, ecstatic. 
Something he’d been working for had finally taken some sort of shape, and there was a good chance of his dream being fulfilled; of him getting it. 
She jumped at the news. 
Almost at once she made plans. This was special.
He seemed reluctant, she insisted. 
He had his friends cheering and calling him in the background, he said a hurried affirmative and hung up. 

She took a special bubble bath and put on the dress she’d been saving for her birthday.His success was more important. It had been a while since they had gone out or even spent quality time alone with each other; he had just been too caught up. Today they’d make up for all the lost time. 

She smiled, it was HER treat. 

She applied mascara and kohl, just the way he likes it. He doesn't like anything else on her face except that. She even wore his favourite perfume. Tonight had to be perfect. 

She lay out the table. 
Glasses, cutlery, the special silver-ware. 
A bottle of champagne. 
She ordered food from this expensive place and made them make a special dish to celebrate the occasion, it was also a favourite of his. It's funny how suddenly all her life's choices were about him. earlier she would never think of anybody else while making decisions but she liked to make him smile, she liked to show that she knew him through and through. 

She put on 'their' song on the music player and lit the candles. 
And waited. 

She waited some more. 
She  didn’t want to nag. 
She was sure he were putting on his special cologne, picking out some shirt that made him even more irresistible  and bringing dessert, hopefully chocolate-chip ice-cream. 

Then she waited some more. 

When she finally called, he took a while in picking up the phone. 
She was certain he was driving. 
When he picked up, she casually asked, “How much longer will you make me wait baby?” 

“But I’m not coming.” 
“But.. but.. I ordered food and everything.” 
“I told you not to, I can’t make it.” 
As she heard voices in the background, voices which stole him from her and voices to whom he actually belonged, she mumbled something and hung up, knowing it would be stupid to expect a call back. 

She had a lot of candles to blow out.