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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

"I'm going to break my own heart, so that you can't."

That's such a neat little concept. Rather than me standing by, waiting for you to turn around and maybe just look my way this once, I should just wrench my heart out myself and jump on it till whatever's left of it can be crushed to bits and then I don't have anything left inside of my chest, at all. Because that's what you do.

Hollow's got to be better than what you make me feel. Whatever happened to the friendship. Were we even friends, I wonder. I thought you were my best friend. But then I even thought I was impervious to hurt and other such nonsensical things such as heartbreak and jealousy and possessiveness. So I should take that bottle of acid and gulp it down so that all the burning can take place all at once. For you've burnt me and left my embers out in the rain to dissolve into nothing.

I'm going to erase how your lips felt on mine, how safe I felt while you drove like a wreck in that car of yours, how oblivious I was to the world for you'd built a new one which had just us in it. I'm going to stab myself rather than wait for you to use the knife you hold. I'm going to bleed myself dry until all your memories flow out and this fluid turns back to black from the red you'd painted it into.

It rains ever so often now. You'd asked me to never let it rain over you, long back. And then repeated it off and on. Funny how you became the sole reason for these unasked showers and this torn diary. It would be easier if my heart just stopped beating you know? Because this thumping in my insides seems pointless now. It's a constant reminder of a life I don't want to live without you in it.

But no. Chin up, head high and a smile - even if it's forced or plastered or fake. Even if I have to light twenty sticks a day to keep myself from breaking down, even if I have to tell myself repeatedly to never ever open myself up to someone again, even if I have to completely destroy all the dreams I dreamt, I will. For I'll be the reason for my misery now, not you. I will not let you destroy me. You're not the fire that will burn me out. I am the light that will shine on. I'm the way, the truth and the life.

The way which you never seek.
The truth you don't let yourself speak.
The life that you no longer lead.

Happy Fourteenth, you.

51 comments:

  1. This is seriously powerful.
    Amazing.

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  2. u ryt inspiringly well...im gonna go thru a lot f ur work now.. u rily express strongly... (lucky u) splendid wrk! gud luck!

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    1. Thanks Anvita. Hope you like most of it.
      Ps. Lucky me?

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  3. I got lost while reading! Strong emotions.

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  4. Thanks a bunch Reema. But why lost?

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  5. Should be working but reading your posts instead. Thanks for speaking for my thoughts. :) -KC

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    1. Glad to have your time and share your thoughts KC.
      You write ?

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  6. Right little ray of sunshine, aren't you? :-)

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    1. Very intense, this. Actually I was having a jam sandwich while reading. Mixed fruit, if you care. Whilst I chewed, you took out your own heart, stomped on it merrily, squeezed yourself dry of all that unnecessary blood inside you, drank some refreshing acid, and of course, finally burnt yourself silly.
      But, it was compelling stuff, so I finished reading it first. You defeated my sandwich appetite, ergo it is obvious you write truly well, since I take my sandwiches very seriously. Cheers, Shiromi :)

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    2. And oh, The Scientist FTW :)

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    3. Lol.. It's hard to comprehend if I'm being mocked or appreciated. Thanks I guess? :P
      More so for abandoning your sandwich midway more than anything else.
      And hey, how'd you know about my fixation with that song ?

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    4. Mocked? God, no. :D

      Very well written, just that it isn't exactly what I would call Teletubby stuff. :)

      And as for the song, check out the line above the strange photograph of the glowing humans who appear to be tap dancing.

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    5. Heh yeah well, the glass half empty should sort of give you a hint. I'm quite the pessimist romantic if there ever was one.
      Oh yes, my bad. I forgot I have this song engraved - physically as well as otherwise.

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    7. My bad too. If the teletubbies made sure that their glasses and plates were only half full, they would not be walking advertisements for obesity.

      And what about Paradise? :)

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    8. Well I am a hardcore Coldplay fan so no, I don't like Mylo Xyloto at all. Except maybe Up in flames and Us against the world. The rest is fun yes, but too commercial for my taste.

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    9. http://therantommenace.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/shocked_meme1.png


      No....no.....nnnnooooooooooo

      http://landofodd.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/darth_vader_noooo11.jpg?w=604

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    10. Haha, I know Coldplay a little too well darling. Hence I know they can do a LOT better than this.

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    11. Of course they can, and they will. Tch. What about Fix You? Huh? Huh?

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    12. I am hoping for that obviously. Their next album will be their do/die in terms of Rock.
      And darling, how can any coldplay fan deny Fix You as anything but brilliant?

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    13. Shiromi, you just rated 'Paradise' below par. Today's kids, I tell you.

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    14. Read this, gain infinite wisdom.

      http://www.thevigilidiot.com/2011/10/28/ra-one/

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    15. What other bands do you listen do? I'll be the judge of whether we're even musically compatible or not before I launch into my explanation here :P
      And haha. I have read this before.

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    16. Justin Bieber, Vengaboys and Himesh Reshammiya. And oh yes Rebecca Black. How can we NOT be musically compatible now? :-]

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    17. Apart from the above stellar performers, I happen to listen to a whole lot of world music,especially the Celtic genre...Hevia is the best there. And then I have Enigma, Vangelis, Yanni, Afro Celt Sound System, Enya, Paul Mauriat, John Denver, Phil Collins and so on. As for bands, I stick to Coldplay and U2, and then there are selected songs from others like Green Day, Pink Floyd, Eagles...ab baaki yaad nhi aa rhe :P

      Oh yes, I listen to a LOT of Hans Zimmer's fantastic movie themes :)

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    18. Haha, very funny Sushmit.
      You're kind of a country-folk guy know then? Hence the love for pop sounding Coldplay. I'm more of a Rock, Rock n' Roll person, hence the heartbreak when they deviate from it. Don't get me wrong, I like country and blues and folk rock happens to be one of my favourite genres of rock but anything too commercial is just a kill joy for me.
      Try Mumford & Sons though. I have a feeling you'll like them.
      Also, hail Bono :D

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    19. How did you know? Yes,every evening after I milk my cows and check the rusty windmill, I prop my feet up and play the banjo as the last rays of the sun play peek a boo with my dear cornfields.

      And you,little girl, how many miles to Graceland? All hail the King Creole, eh?

      Anyway, I'll listen to Mumford and Sons as you say. :)

      Now, where is my rake? Autumn is such a tough time for a farmer with a sore back, I say.

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    20. Haha. You make me laugh.
      And I've never been an Elvis person just btw. My idea of Rock n' Roll is Morrison and Morrison alone. What a sheer genius. Though I quite like The Beatles.

      Did you try Mumford?

      Get yourself a masseuse. Should help :P

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    21. Yes, the Beatles are wonderful, although I am not a big fan of the Doors. And Mc Cartney just got the Legion d'Honneur :)

      And masseuse? I live in the countryside, you city slicking man-cub. In a house like Eustace's from Courage the Cowardly Dog. It's only me and the crop circles out here :)

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    22. Oh yes, I heard Mumford... Winter Winds....the Cave, very pleasant, the Cave was shot in India. :)

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    23. No? I remember some critic writing somewhere "the Beatles and the Rolling Stones are to blow your mind but The Doors are for afterwards. Once your mind has already been blown." I find that really apt.
      He did? That's nice.
      You could however find yourself a countryside girl though who is willing to oblige :P

      Glad you like it. Try Thistle and Weeds and White Blank Page. Personal favourites.

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    24. Yes, the Doors come in when after the doors to your mind have already been ripped open by the aforementioned two. :-)

      And where do I find the girl? Have you seen Courage the Cowardly Dog? That place is actually called the Middle of Nowhere. :O

      And yes Miss Jukebox, I'll try Thistle and the rest :)

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    25. Heh I saw Courage when I was little. Literally. And you don't find the girl darling. Let the girl find you ;)
      That's the beauty of it.
      Lol. Miss Jukebox. Now that's a name I'll consider keeping for a bit :D

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    26. If the girl finds me, then it'll result in a massacre, not a massage. Aliens tend to do strange things to people ,if you must know. :|

      Yes, and you might even start your own VH1 show by that name :)

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    27. Stop being a buzzkill? She'll find you and indulge you and pamper you. Since when are you the one with the empty glass? Leave that to masochists like me.
      Yes, oh yes.

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    28. Why are you so eager to hook me up with an intergalactic Jane Doe with tentacles?
      And my glass is always full of air. Nice air. Tchah!

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    29. Because every Dent needs his Fenchurch. :P

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    30. Hitchhiking across the galaxy isn't my idea of having fun. All I wanted was my rake :(

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    31. What then is your idea of fun? Besides the rake ofcourse :P

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    32. My idea of fun? Convincing little girls that a massage is not an answer to everything. :)

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    33. Wow, some twisted definitions you have for sure.

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  7. Yes, but not as often as I'd want to. And certainly not even half as good as you. :p

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    1. I'd like to read something.. Indulge me please?

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    2. Excellent post. Do you have a Tumblr account?

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    3. No.. Never really made one. Why do you ask?

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  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. I did. Why the skepticism though? I do kind of understand however for my blog was on private for a long time too.

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    2. There! You answered your question for me. I was on private until i tried to impress this guy.. Now, im too lazy to put everything on private again :)

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