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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Stay.

28.04.2012

It's funny I should be writing about you today. Of the many, many things to write about I choose you. This time last year, I took a decision that changed my life forever. I was hit by an unstoppable force more than anything else and started to feel things I thought I was incapable of feeling anymore. But today I hope to do the same. Make a change. And you're the reason why.


Green light, seven-eleven, you stop in for a pack of cigarettes..

Yeah so I smoke menthol. We've shared quite a few, haven't we? You ask me why I smoke it? I like the after-taste of menthol. I like how it leaves you feeling minty sort of. Fresh. It's about starting afresh now. Because I'm tired of living in the past and future. Day-dreaming about the things I once had and waiting for the time to come after kinda kills the life that I'm actually supposed to be living.


Dressed up like a car-crash..

Yeah I wear anything and everything. You've seen a lot of random pictures, haven't you? Laughed over them and mimicked them and done what not with them. I think I don't photograph well though. That's the thing about photographs. They can never quite capture a person's essence. And we never photograph well together somehow. I mean afterall what could ever capture this?


The wheels are turning, but you're upside down..

Yeah I am complicated beyond measure. You know that don't you? You've seen me at my clumsiest, craziest, dumbest, happiest and even when I hit absolute rock bottom. As you try to figure out my messy head, and inevitably always predict what I'm going to do even before I myself form the thought, you do know me. You know when I've been crying and even though we sidestep and ignore it, I do know you care. If only I reached out, you'd be the first arms that'd steady my faltering steps (unless well, you're hoping to capture my monthly humpty-dumpty fall).


You say when he hits you, you don't mind..
You say when he hurts you, you feel alive..

Yeah I am a masochist. I guess I live by the old principle of I'd rather feel pain than feel nothing at all and set myself up for it more often than not. That pisses you off to bits, doesn't it? How I can just let someone or something hurt me endlessly and how little I do to change it. How I hold on to memories that only bring me down and how I don't let go, even when that is the best thing to do. How much I crib and whine when life is kind of the same for all of us.


And if you look, you look through me..
And if you talk, it's not to me..

Yeah I'm a nomophobe. You see that and want to smash my phone for it, know? When all you see is my fingers punch keys incessantly into a black little thing instead of living in the moment. But we have shared quite a few good moments together. Scratch good, we've done some epic shit together. And I am pretty sure there's more to come. No doubts there also in my head, even if you have them. Because contrary to popular belief, some of my favourite memories have you in them and I wouldn't have it any other way.


And when I touch you, you don't feel a thing..

That's where the song of our life changes Abhinav. Because I feel every single thing - the look that you give me when I'm lying, the high-five/bro fist mix up that we have ever so often, the smile that spreads across your face when we've shared an inside joke without anyone in the room realizing it and the hug - the hug that you give me (what once a year maybe?) but the one that says everything that doesn't need to be said out loud because I'm the fool who tries to put everything into words, not you, you just know it and once in a rare while, you let me see it too.

So I'll stick by and I hope to god that you will too. Prove me wrong. Win the bet that we had last night. Don't leave. Because I really don't think I have what it takes anymore to stand by and see another promise turn to dust. Since the day I moved into the room next to yours till the date the weak wooden wall between us started becoming impenetrable, I have loved you. Neither as a boyfriend, nor a brother, not as anything but you. An unasked and unexplained affectionate love that can't be tainted for it's too simple and factual for all of that. I read somewhere that love means never having to say that you're sorry.. So I'm not going to say that. All I'm going to say is, stay.
I promise to make it worthwhile some day.
Just.
Stay.

2 comments:

  1. ok ok...
    lots of confusion and struggle... but staying on to see what happens

    ReplyDelete