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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Twenty eighth, part II.

Conversations with you, about YOU.


"He's a jackass"
He's not. The first time we ever met, he sat with me all night because I was stuck in a world of strangers. He ignored everybody to be with me and listened patiently to all my whining and opinions; actually liked me for them.


"That's because he saw a chance. He's a jackass."
He's not. He texted me without me having given him my number, even before I had a chance to leave his city; and never stopped. From dawn to dusk, and even after, we spoke throughout and he never got tired.


"That's because you were his new distraction. He's a jackass."
He's not. He always checked on me and the slightest hint of disarray in my life ensured that he was around to cheer me up. He said 'Are you fucking crazy? I love you.' when I said nobody did.


"That's because you were being needy. He's a jackass."
He's not. When I went back, it was like he'd been waiting to see me again, touch me, be with me, talk to me. He didn't care what people were thinking or saying, he came to me anyway.


"That's because he wanted to make the most of the time he had. He's a jackass."
He's not. He held my hand and sat with me at the beach. He shared his impossible-to-share headphones with me so I wasn't left to endure pathetic music. He sang me verses, just to see me smile.


"That's because he wanted to see you with none other. He's just a jackass."
He's not. He gave hell to people who said the slightest trash to or about me and held my hand, agreeing to walk out on a house full of people just to let me have it my way.


"That's because it was his way too. He's just a jackass."
He's not. He never had to do all the things he did. Never had to leave his world and be with me or be just mine. He did that anyway for he believed in us. He called me his soulmate!


"That doesn't account for the fact that he repeatedly made out with other people does it? He's just a jackass."
He's not. He was drunk that one time. Out of control. You forget he stood up for me too. So for one last time, he's not. STOP calling him that. I'm his superwoman, he's superman. And he'd never do anything to hurt me.


"Really? Do you hear yourself right now? What has he been doing for the past one month?"
This is immaterial. It's just a phase. It'll pass, I know it will. He still loves me. He said he'd never love like this again. I believe him. I remember and believe every word he ever said.


"He lied! How difficult it is to understand and just move the fuck on?"
From him? It's impossible. Why would I even want to do that. I'm his. Even on days he isn't mine. He's seeing something I'm not but I feel what he can't right now. He will, when we meet again.


"You are not meeting him again. After what he's done to you? After what you've been through? Seriously?"
It wasn't his fault. I was weak. He hates me for it too, he'll probably always hate me for it. But I'm strong now. My love is my strength, it won't become my weakness. I will meet him again, I will. I miss him.


"Does he miss you? Does he even care? Do you still think any of this makes a difference anymore?"
I don't know.. I guess, a little. He's preoccupied. There are a million things happening and it's warranted. I can't make him miss me, you know.


"Oh yes you can. Take a stand and just stop talking. Make him feel what it's like to live a life without you."
Are you insane? Do you want me to lose him forever? I can't imagine a world in which I don't talk to him anymore. I don't even want to. I cannot make him hate me any more than he already does. I cannot lose anymore of him than I already have.


"You've lost him. You lost him long back. He's taking your presence for granted."
No, no, no.


"Listen to me. You've never behaved like this before. Because you're better than this high-school emo version of lovestruck girls. He doesn't want you anymore. Accept it. His loss but his choice. He'll find others soon and trust you me, he will not even spare a second thought to you. He will not miss you. He will not regret this. And he will certainly not love you back. You have lost him."
No, I haven't. He's still around, he's still there. He always will be. He promised me that. He will not break his promises. He won't let me go, no. He said when I wanted to run away, he'd meet me halfway. He said we're not yet finished. He said.. He said my room in his house. He said, I'm the one thing that means most to him.


"I want to slap you now. He doesn't give a fuck anymore whether you live or die. What you're doing to yourself, what you've become - not a consideration in his head. He had a good time out of it. That's all that it was."
No, it wasn't about having a good time. You know when we met after all those months, he didn't even kiss me? He was so overwhelmed that all he did was look at me with disbelief, unable to pinch himself and unsure if I was actually really there. If he just wanted that, he has a lot of people  to do that with. It was more. So much more. And I am so sick of trying to defend him to the world. Those eyes didn't lie. He protected me, even from my worst nightmares. Don't you dare tell me I was just another girl to him.


"Oh so I shouldn't say it but he can? Isn't that what he said? You're just like other girls?"
He.. He didn't mean it. I've not been myself lately. You know why that is, he doesn't need to. If he knew, he would've stayed and walked with me through this. But it's okay, it's all gone now and he never even has to know.


"Hah. You like to believe it'd make a difference right? It wouldn't. He would go on with his life, same as before. He may not know all of it but he knows bits and nothing changed. He'd probably just ask you about your health once or twice to not feel guilty after. That's it. This make belief world of yours where he'd be there to hold your hand through it, doesn't exist."
What is with you? Why are you tarnishing him in my eyes? It will not work. If the voices in my head don't work, then you never will. I will not belittle him or his thoughts or his actions or his love. You didn't see him this winter. You don't know him, noone does.


"But you do right? You claim to be his reflection? Or wait, was it shadow? So tell me, the other half of his soul, when is he realizing that you're still his in your head and when are you going to stop punishing yourself?"
That I don't know. All I know is I love him. And I'll wait. It isn't over, not yet. He'd told me this himself, long back. This is just one of the random things he does. But he can't push me away. He can't erase the love. I'll wait. I will wait.


"You stupid, pathetic fool in denial. The world doesn't have him wrong, you do. We know exactly what he is but you've got yourself drugged or something for your mental faculties have been seriously impaired I believe now. He is not coming back. If he had to, he would have, long back. He didn't even listen to the last words you said. He doesn't know for he didn't hear. He never will. Just like he never will come back."
He will, you'll see - all of you. All those people who never let me be with him and who're always talking against him and who only see the worst in him - he'll prove you all wrong once again. He will prove me right. He won't end it like this. He'll erase this month like it never even happened and he'll erase all your voices too. He'll come to me again, sing to me again and hold me again. Even if for one last time, he will give me that one time. And after that, we'll stay friends for I'll have closure. He will keep my room in his house. And I will buy him that one house in chennai (or atleast we'll fight over who buys it). And we'll be soulmates forever. That's the end to our story, not this.


"You talk about him like he'd give you some special princess treatment."
He will. I am still that.


"If he was listening to this right now, he'd agree with me and laugh at you. You know that right?"
He'll never laugh at me.


"So you're waiting, till eternity for him now?"
Stop mocking me. I'm waiting. There isn't a deadline in my head, yet. Love has no expiry date.


"His did. And it's come. Anything that follows after, will be toxic and only to harm you further."
I've made up my mind. Nothing you can say will change it. I'm living on the hope, faith and belief that he gave me. I'm not going to give up on them. Or him.


"But you really should you know. It kills me to see you like this. It infuriates me to see him kill you like this."
He always had the power to kill me. But he'll not use it. He wouldn't.


"Hasn't he already? It's all downhill from here, I'm telling you. You're holding on to the wrong person. Even if he knows exactly what happened, and exactly what you're going through and even if he wanted to change it, he will not. He lives for himself. He'll put his happiness before all others. He wouldn't change his mind - there's too much ego, pride and rigidity there. He is not capable of letting himself be affected by emotions, least of all yours. He doesn't really even know love. Or compassion. So please, for the last time, drown him with a drink and let him go.  Forget all these plans to meet him. Be friends, later. Not yet. It's too soon. You love him too much. You've never been so stupid about anything so I know. But please, let him be. He's not worth it. He's not worth this love."
But it's his. Whether he wants it or not, whether he keeps it or not. All the love, this heart was ever capable of - all his. Oh and, he is totally worth it. He is worth every inch of it. It is all his.


"Does he know any of this? Can I tell him please?"
No.. He'll know on his own. And I'll wait till he does. I've said enough, done enough and choked him enough with my wants and needs and desires. But this is about him. His happiness. Let's keep this to us, shall we? Our secret?  


"If he could just see how much you love him.. Despite everything.."
I love him for everything that he is. Everyfuckingthing. And nothing could kill my love for him. Not even he, himself. He'll know that someday, you'll see.


"Oh he wouldn't. I wish he saw it today but he wouldn't."
Why do you say that?


"Because I know him too. He is a jackass."
He is the love of my life while he's at it.


*

Know this. I'm saving my strength to fight. I'm living on to fight. I'll fight them for you, those who say they love me more than you ever could. I'll fight this whole world, full of those who tell me trash about you and expect me to join in or give up on you. I'll even fight you for you. I'll go down trying. We'll laugh over this someday baby. Laugh at how nobody knew you and how I always did.

Happy twenty-eighth, my jackass. Only I get to call you that.
PS: I loved you then, I love you now, I'd love you still, I always will. From your skin to your bones.


*


The part I to this post, here.

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