I'd been down and out for what seemed like a long time. You struck me when I was at my weakest, and even the slightest brush felt like a deathly blow. The wind was knocked out of my lungs, a little too soon and the lights went out of my eyes, a little too fast. I kept looking around for something to grab on to, something to guide me so I wouldn't fade and disappear into the black but I just fell over and over again in a shuffle of my stumbling steps.
I kept telling myself it was all a dream, a bad dream which would end but I didn't wake up. As the nightmare continued, I felt something I hadn't felt in years - scared and afraid - so tears found way to my eyes. The only thing that kept me alive in the biting cold, was the warmth of these tears on my skin; and I hated myself for them - for tears couldn't be the way to stay on. I was weak, and dying, and with every last breath I thought not of how to live but how we did, once.
I groped and I grasped but only air greeted me in place of the arms that I so yearned. I ran when it got too much but it was so dark, so dark without you. I found nothing and breathing became a task in itself. With nothing but blurred memories for company, I found myself growing weaker. It was so much easier to just give in to this darkness.
Just at the very bleak and destroyed end, when I'd given up all hope of ever being found, or finding something to hold on to, and was tired of fumbling around in the dark, I saw a radiant light. It was far and I didn't think I had the strength to walk the steps to reach it but I somehow dragged my weight along till the end of the tunnel. I had to see what was bringing me this urge to put one step in front of the other, I had to reach it's warmth which seemed so welcoming, I had to discover it's source, this light that was fixing me, one remote ray at a time, even with all the distance in between.
It was a perilous journey, but I did reach my destination - my ray of light, the one which had ignited in me, a desire to exist. When at last I reached it, I stared at it long and hard. When I walked away, it was with the resolve to never be afraid of the dark again. For only in this degree of darkness did I discover the brilliance of this light. This sparkling light in which I saw nothing besides my own reflection. That was the moment it hit me - I kept me alive. It was me all along.
I'd forgotten that I'm my own light, my own hope, my own strength. Me, me, all *me*; always have been.
You may have been the hands that I held or the walls that supported me when I was tripping or the stars that lit my way or maybe even the stones that formed my path but it is I that surged forward, the wave that I am and I who always shall; with or without you. I who may have receded for the tides were low for an unusually elongated period, but I who came crashing right back and I always will; with or without you.
I'm my destiny.
I'm my saviour.