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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Sleepless, much?

My sleep is broken mostly, in odd parts and miscomprehended moments. I find myself awake at the weirdest of hours. There's a certain procedure I carry out when that happens. I check my phone to see the time, and nothing else, and then try and sleep some more. Depending on the number of pings I saw unread, I grow more and more restless until I decide to just take a peek. Once I've read them however, my sleep is far gone and then I have nothing left for company in the dark, cold night but me and my half-dead brain.

Even though I say goodnight, I'm far from sleep. You've disturbed me.

I decide to read but I am not in the mood for a brilliant book right now. More brilliance just makes me feel inadequate. I open my laptop instead to read what other people I follow have to say. Tonight, they have a lot to say so I'm saved from my own thoughts, at least for a while.

I go to the balcony to get myself something and I feel the chill around me. It's dawn. And there's a beauty about dawn which no other part of the day can ever possess. If I was more of a morning person, I'd wake up early each day just to take it in, over and over again. There's a spark about it somewhat. Something that inspires. It's like you have the whole day ahead of you, whole life ahead of you, make it or break it.

The new Radiohead album is out and on download. I've loved Radiohead since I heard creep and I want to see how this album works for my mind. The last entire album that I fell in love with was Waking Up by One Republic. What an album that was! I hope this one comes close to that. It's been a while since I heard any album that I could listen to nonstop without skipping any songs.

I changed a lot of things about me this week. I'm a work in progress and I'm trying to see where this goes. It's my last shot and I sincerely hope it works out because if not, I'm done trying here. There's only so much a person can take.

Also, at times I feel I need to start a new blog you know and tell nobody about it. Because these days people think they read my blog and they know me and they know what's wrong. That's why I was off for a bit. You're supposed to figure that out on your own and not use my blog to help you! I mean, what? Also, people really need to stop judging and/or telling me what to do. I like alcohol. I like cigarettes. I'd like to die young, thank you very much. This is me and I am not changing. Accept me and stop rolling your eyes or walk away, trust me I am used to people walking away.

It's funny - life. When everything seems to be finally, finally falling into place, something goes and gets fucked. It's almost as if we're not meant to be happy. I know, I know, random ranting again. But I spoke to a few people today. And they had some notsonice things to say. Things that put the whole "me- a work in progress" on a sort of hold and messed with my clarity of thought.

I just started listening to The Communication. Again.
I miss Priyamvada. Again.
I want to sleep in my mother's arms. Again.

I am such a kid really. I need to grow up, like now. The squabble I mention is so insignifuckingficant. To anyone and everyone around me. Except maybe these two girls. "PS": Iloveyou.

Oh and these two boys. Both with the same name. I think the very name has a knack of saving me. I pinged one this morning once I was sure I was not going to be sleeping, and it was quite simple really.

S: Hello! What's up?
A: Nothing in a movie.
S: Later then?
A: Yeah. Anything wrong?

How could someone whom I barely talk to anymore, so simply know that I had something on my mind. And how come someone I spend so much time talking to, never does? Or wait, maybe they do and just don't care enough to ask or change it. Anyway, just knowing that this first guy still gets me, was well, relieving and made me happy, whatever little happiness I could fathom.

I sent a forward today. It spoke of girls. A part of it explained as to how girls cry more than they let you on.
It wasn't really girls I was talking about; I think it was me, trying to tell someone, anyone, that I spend a share of my day weeping, within.

But then again, you don't really care much, do you?
I'm just another depressed teen, trying to figure out her life, with nothing for company but that half-dead brain I woke up with two hours back. What happened to the rest, you ask. You killed it.

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