Life's so monotonous and bland at times. This is one of those times. AH.
India's so much simpler. I can just pick up a phone and dial 2353191. Make that one call and talk senseless things and it's cool. I'm at peace with myself. It is usually just the random rants of a million insignificant things and still, that call gets me through. And that call has been the constant of my day and the highlight for a very long time now. I spent today wanting my phone to ring, you know how it happens when you just need someone to call, okay you probably don't because well, people must be calling you but when you're here, nobody does.
There's a sort of peace in that too. A calmness of sorts. But I wanted more than anything for that calm to break. Obviously it didn't.
I watched Roadies Auditions to distract me. But that didn't work much either. It reminded me of how we would all play pretend and "audition" for Roadies among ourselves. Ah, what a dream that was Doll. To audition for roadies together. One of the many we shared. One of the many that couldn't come true.
I came online to talk to Mom and Dad but Ma's busy with her life too. I've wanted for a year now for her to have her own life, her own circle and yet, when she does, it kills me. Selfish, much? Oh hell yes I am. It's like she's supposed to be mine before anyone else's and it's disturbing when I see that change, even if just by an inch.
Then I decided to listen to music.
Take a tip?
When you're mindfucked, never put on music. It will ensure it depresses you beyond imagination. But no, I didn't get depressed tonight. I got frustrated instead. By everything and everyone. Even the random reader who's reading this right now.
I am signing out now to go scream into my pillow or smash glasses against the wall.
Advice: Stay away.
India's so much simpler. I can just pick up a phone and dial 2353191. Make that one call and talk senseless things and it's cool. I'm at peace with myself. It is usually just the random rants of a million insignificant things and still, that call gets me through. And that call has been the constant of my day and the highlight for a very long time now. I spent today wanting my phone to ring, you know how it happens when you just need someone to call, okay you probably don't because well, people must be calling you but when you're here, nobody does.
There's a sort of peace in that too. A calmness of sorts. But I wanted more than anything for that calm to break. Obviously it didn't.
I watched Roadies Auditions to distract me. But that didn't work much either. It reminded me of how we would all play pretend and "audition" for Roadies among ourselves. Ah, what a dream that was Doll. To audition for roadies together. One of the many we shared. One of the many that couldn't come true.
I came online to talk to Mom and Dad but Ma's busy with her life too. I've wanted for a year now for her to have her own life, her own circle and yet, when she does, it kills me. Selfish, much? Oh hell yes I am. It's like she's supposed to be mine before anyone else's and it's disturbing when I see that change, even if just by an inch.
Then I decided to listen to music.
Take a tip?
When you're mindfucked, never put on music. It will ensure it depresses you beyond imagination. But no, I didn't get depressed tonight. I got frustrated instead. By everything and everyone. Even the random reader who's reading this right now.
I am signing out now to go scream into my pillow or smash glasses against the wall.
Advice: Stay away.
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