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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Same mistake, twice.

I want to get lost from my life sometimes,
Sit on the side and watch the world go by,
I want to get lost; and I don't know why. 
- Everclear

I don't know if I'm getting better, or just used to the pain. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you want to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that you do exist, or something like that. I know that thinking something like this is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That is why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.

I say I don't care but my eyes tell a different story. I want to wake up and go through a day without feeling anything at all. Nothing, zilch, nada. But then that would mean being a coward. I think pain is what makes it real. Pain is what keeps you going, because then someday you hope it just will have to get better. I hope that day is soon.

I'm tired of feeling like someone tore apart my insides. I feel like a stranger in my own skin, so hollow from within it shocks me even. It's like I can't believe I actually am a loser inside. Like someone who falls for crap all the time! Someone who puts their faith in all the wrong things and all the wrong people at all the wrongs times for all the wrong reasons! Someone who swears to never give a part of herself to anyone ever again and then goes ahead and does it anyway. because well hey, exceptions! Those are needed. Except that they're not! When you go through a life like mine, you stop making these exceptions. You just face reality.

Reality is that some people are just not meant to be with other people. Reality is that no matter how bad you want something, chances are you won't get it. Even if you do get it, it wouldn't last.
And the most important reality is that people will fuck you; over and over and over again.
Somehow you're just supposed to tolerate the change and move the fuck on.
You have to just take all the hurt and pain and agony and shut it up in a box and then throw that box far, far away.. so far that it is out of sight forever.

Because well, as they say, and I truly believe now, out of sight, out of mind.

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