Because that's all that we are now - isn't it? A memory. That's what it all becomes in the end. And soon, that fades too.
I'm hunting today, for my favourite memory of you.. There used to be so many, it was impossible to pick. And now I can't find a single one that means enough. Those words that I treasured have blown away with the wind and as I try to recreate them, I know I fall short.
But this is still needed. My ode to us. There's an odd comfort about us. I don't know what exactly.. I could never place it because besides your shoulder, our bodies were a mess together. I'm crooked you see - I never fit. Nevertheless, I could use those arms right now for I know them. I could use that walk to a random park, and the nonsensical fight over a packet of waiwai. I could use that look. The look of reassurance saying, it will all get okay. That I will make it, because I always do.
You. You had undying faith in me know always? As a person, as a friend - you really did. You were so sure you'd fuck up and I'd pull you out of it. You'd get drunk on one beer and know that I'd get us back safe. You'd hide and smoke and fuck up your DNS because you knew I'd find out, get mad and eventually make you okay. You'd screw up your english and physical education papers (how!) and then I'd volunteer to tutor you till you didn't improve.
Weird thing. As I think of us, I remember just the friendship today. Like there was never anything more. I strain to recall more but can't. And yet I know it was there. Once. There was an us. The silliness. The useless drama. The innumerable fights. And the love. Yes, that was there too. In plenty.
I was never the one Garv. I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. I really am - now. I'm not that for anyone. I'm not built to make someone's world light up. And I feel like I destroyed you, trying. Because you still believe I'm it. I'm perfect. There is no girl like me. That is far from true. Open your heart again. The rest might surprise you. Let me go. There's nothing to hold on to here. I wouldn't even feel bad because that's the way of life. It hits me now that we're all replaceable in the end. Right down to the memories we create.. Someone will come and just write all over them. So, I'll smile for I want you to be happy. And that tiny place in your world which is mine, shall stay mine, and I'll visit it, the same day, every year.. Year after year.
Happy Ninth Dhar..
To what we were, what we could've been and what we never will be.
PS: They say you never forget your first but I hope you forget me. For as much as I want you to be a part of my life, I don't think I should be a part of yours. All I bring is pain and darkness. It's time you found some light.