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Monday, September 6, 2010

You, and everything you do.

-you leave me warm and mushy, in a way that makes me hate you, love you.

That's the crux of it all. If you weren't to have the time to go through me droning on and on, you could read this one line and know it all. Though I'd much rather you see it till the end.

I don't know what part I am playing in this story. I don't know if this even qualifies as a story. And I don't know if it does, then how long am I going to be a character in it before the story in itself dissolves. I don't know why I have given up on fighting you. Why I have chosen instead to give in to you. But then again, was that even my decision to make?

Maybe I was just fooling myself until now, telling myself that yes, I am in control. Then again, at least I was trying. The pretense may have been false but at least it was there. Now it's becoming increasingly difficult to hold on to it, any of it. You see through me. I'm a transparent cello. I'm shapeless and you use that to your benefit, mold me as you see fit.

I like this dream I live in. I am growing fond of this dream you made me see. The dream you make me believe. I don't see it coming true but this version of you makes so much more sense, I want this to make all the sense in the world. I want us to make all the sense in the world. Just us.

I want to lie in your arms and not care about the morning creeping up on us because I know it can't take you away. I want to breathe in your chest at night knowing that you'll keep me safe. I want to fall asleep listening to your muffled breath and your soft snores. I want to have meaningless conversations all day. I want to study in silence with you, our eyes glancing at each other and looking away when caught not reading the book. I want to look up and see you walk towards me, your gaze burning into my eyes. I want to hug you from behind when you think you're by yourself. I want you to pick me up in your arms and not let me down without a kiss.

There's so much I want. But this is all me. What do you want baby? Will you never say it out loud? Do you want me to run in circles for a long time before you lead me to the exit.. or the beginning. which is it going to be? do you even know that yet?

you say so many things. why do they make such an impression? These sentences. These phrases. Everything that you so casually put across, do you know how much time and though I give to every word uttered by you, for me? do you know how simple it was for you to say those three words? and how difficult it's been for me eversince.

you.

why did you happen to me? I was happy before this. Not as much, but yes I was whole (and alone, but nevermind). The very thought of you scares me. It scares me of the million possibilities it brings. The possibilities I don't think I am ready for. I am afraid of how much you matter already and I am terrified of you mattering any more than you already do. More than anything I am petrified of me giving myself to you and you breaking me, again.

you.

somehow when you're with me, none of the above crosses my mind. all I want it for time to stand still and for us to be together. I am not scared, rather I feel safe, so safe. I feel like nothing can go wrong anymore. you make me believe. you make me lose my fears and my insecurities for once. you make me lose me.

you.

are you the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time or the worst. are you the devil or the angel. I think you're Satan in his purest form, and that's where your charm lies.. and your magnetic pull. I think you're an illusionist making me see things which don't exist. I think you're going to break me beyond repair.

But baby, I think I'm up for the ride.
I finally think I am.

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