You'll never read it and you'll never know.

your name I traced over and over again on a piece of paper. with blue ink and black ink and some ink that was red. I thought of the times we spent walking together, talking of nothing but us and what the future would bring and caring not who glared. Your voice I heard in broken milliseconds and it felt like it had been an era since I'd heard it; it would be another before I get to hear it again. I tried to play just one song that was ours but you were everywhere last night, in my dreams, in my bed, in my thoughts. I was drenched in you and your scent, I was drenched in you.

did you lie awake thinking of me too? across all these miles, was it me you thought of before turning the lights off? are you happy I'm gone or do you miss me like I miss you? did you ever for a moment think of me like I thought of you.

I turned over and hugged myself since I can't collapse into you anymore. your steady arms aren't around anymore and that's why I need to be strong for myself. I looked around and I could not find a picture of you, not a single one pasted on these pale blue walls. But I didn't have to look too long for you are etched in my memory, way too deep to ever be erased, way too permanent for me to need to look anywhere else.

I lit a smoke in your memory, in our memory and could almost see you roll your eyes at me.
You were a good teacher baby, I just never learnt well enough.
Life would have gone a lot differently if I had.