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Saturday, July 12, 2014

The End.

A lot of us think about death and dying. I am more morbid than most and think about my own end more than anything else in this world. Surprisingly though, there's no fear. It's sort of an anticipated occasion in my life. You could say I'm looking forward to it.

I actually fantasize about the moment when a truck will hit me and take me with it into oblivion. When my existence will cease. When I will be nothing more than a speck of dust.

I dream about my funeral and realize there won't be that many people present. I'm not very loved. What with my sarcasm and dry humour and exclusivity issues, I've never really let people in or managed to touch too many hearts.

I will not be mourned by many. Yeah ofcourse some people will feel a little bad but life in general will move on. I haven't made any real impact in the world. A failure in all but one field, I think the world could be a better place without another burden being added to it.

I've been repeatedly told what a waste of space I am. How so many things are wrong because of me. I don't think I'm strong enough to ever hang myself or even overdose on something. But I'd love to be shot in the back. When I'm at my happiest and least expecting it. I think that would be a tragically poetic and apt ending for my excuse of a life.

I have always thought that the easiest loss for this world will be me. As I grow up, I believe in it some more each day. Let's face it. A set of parents, a handful of relatives that actually care (I doubt the number exceeds five), a bestfriend, a boy here or there, an acquaintance I might have made an impact on and maybe a few friends. That doesn't really amount to much, does it ? Hey, I'm not complaining. I'm relieved that only a few people will be hurt. The fewer, the better.

I find myself praying to the lord above to end this misery for me. So what if I'm not strong enough anymore ? He kills a million plus people everyday. Here's a volunteer! Save another girl in my place - a girl who is yet to be born, a girl who is about to be raped who will then commit suicide. Or save a boy - a young boy who is to die on a motorbike. A father who fends for his entire family. See these are the people who want to live. I happen to have no such desire. The sooner this ends, the happier I'll be.

I even know what my epitaph will read. I've imagined what songs will play on my funeral. My friends know what they should eat and drink in my memory. I secretly know deep down that every boy I've ever grown to care about will also be better off without me. I ponder on the functioning of this world and how little its functioning depends on any of us - least of all me - and I feel a certain twisted sort of joy. Because it affirms my belief that my days are numbered. And I am striking off every single one.

I honestly think I'll go out with a smile on my face. And so I live my life, ever waiting for that truck to hit my face and vanquish the life within me.
So come on now. Put a smile on my face, won't you ?

6 comments:

  1. As a 38 year old father of a beautiful daughter let me tell you somethings kid
    1) I LOVE the balls you have to post this under your real name
    2) I KNOW how you feel. I have been there. hang on.
    3) To quote Alexander Pope


    Know then thyself, presume not God to scan

    The proper study of Mankind is Man.
    Placed on this isthmus of a middle state,
    A Being darkly wise, and rudely great:
    With too much knowledge for the Sceptic side,
    With too much weakness for the Stoic's pride,
    He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
    In doubt to deem himself a God, or Beast;
    In doubt his mind or body to prefer;
    Born but to die, and reas'ning but to err;
    Alike in ignorance, his reason such,
    Whether he thinks too little, or too much;
    Chaos of Thought and Passion, all confus'd;
    Still by himself, abus'd or disabus'd;
    Created half to rise and half to fall;
    Great Lord of all things, yet a prey to all,
    Sole judge of truth, in endless error hurl'd;
    The glory, jest and riddle of the world.

    Go, wondrous creature! mount where science guides,

    Go, measure earth, weigh air, and state the tides;
    Instruct the planets in what orbs to run,
    Correct old time, and regulate the sun;
    Go, soar with Plato to th’ empyreal sphere,
    To the first good, first perfect, and first fair;
    Or tread the mazy round his followers trod,
    And quitting sense call imitating God;
    As Eastern priests in giddy circles run,
    And turn their heads to imitate the sun.
    Go, teach Eternal Wisdom how to rule—
    Then drop into thyself, and be a fool!

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  2. What can I say? You are an absolutely lovely girl and I thank you for opening yourself up to the world like that. I am humbled.

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  3. Since the arranged marriage seems to be coming to an end BEFORE my daughter will grow up, I think I will have to write down and share how boys really think about girls. :-D

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  4. You also have a wonderful father. Forget you. I want to learn from him. :-D

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  5. Sorry to spam you, but one part of me is saddened that the reason you love pro kabaddi so much is because your father is involved. The other part is actually glad that despite the fact that you literally rub shoulders with stars that literally make girls squeal in delight - you STILL need the common human touch. :-D

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  6. One thing I have learned is that you only make a difference one person at a time. :-D It is useless trying to change the whole world. :-D

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