Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart..
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Sunday, August 1, 2010
Happy Friends' Day to me.
I wanted to write a separate mail to everyone, and then I wanted to just write this in my diary so that it would go unnoticed, just like me, but I just don't have it in me to do that. I can't pick up a pen. I don't have the strength to make the strokes. It's killing me, this distance. I really want to be at home today, more than ever. I'm crying for people's presence after so long. July was a great month despite the illness but july's drawn to an end now and with it the happiness which was growing like a bubble inside me, seems to have burst.
I'm missing not only my friends back home but my parents too. Today's friends' day and I never thought I would be sentimental on this day even for my friends, leave apart parents. I always thought it was a little gay to wish friends on just one day but well life has a way of hitting you where you least expect it. I'm sitting here since last night and missing this very shitty day. My random day outs with my hoards of friends, each year a different set, the friendship bands, the cards, the gifts, the letters I would write. I wonder why my heart refuses to stop bleeding. I really wonder what I'm made of.
I made almost everyone here friends' day cards and I'm probably just going to be mocked at or made fun of since I highly doubt any of them would know the value of friends' day or even friends in general. I surprised Shail and Abhinav last night.. they didn't even know it's friends' day and I bought them a few things they love and wrote them letters. Then I called Doll at Indian time midnight. It was pretty perfect till then until I came back to my room, and wept alone. For what? I don't know.
I am so tired. I am so tired of always being the one to surprise and never getting surprised. I am so tired of remembering each and every detail about my friends all the time. I am so tired of it all. I want to run away. From myself, more than anything. I scare me.
I am tired of these tears dripping down my cheeks, their warmth is pissing me off now. I don't think I'll ever mean a shred of what people mean to me. and it sort of sucks. Because I do love them and they don't see it and they'll never know it. I think of people when I'm happy, I think of them when I'm sad, with every smile and tear I have a memory, then why am I not etched in people's minds? Do I make no impact whatsoever? Am I really that insignificant? I never meant to be a passerby.. a random onlooker.. but I guess that's what I am. That's all I'll ever be.
I don't know why I'm writing this, much less why I'm writing this here. I guess I want this pain to stop and writing helps me do that. But I'm being a selfish bitch here and expecting things which I shouldn't be. when did I become so demanding Papa? why didn't you slap me when I did? when I start expecting so much Mum? why didn't you refuse to give in when I was stubborn? why, why have you both let me lead a life on my terms? do you know that's what kills me today? I expect the world to function according to me. because you always seemed to make the world stop for me.
why the hell did you both love me like this? I don't even deserve it! and it's raised my expectation about love altogether. Now I expect my friends to love me like that too! Love is always a two way channel you said, but I guess it's always been one sided for me. Me loving people. People walking away.
The glass is empty again. The sky just turned black from grey.
The pessimist is back.
I am what people have made me.
I'm sorry, just your love wasn't enough. I've always been a greedy little bitch.
My senses are draining me of vision now.. and it's changing to a blur.. I guess this is where I take your leave.