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Monday, October 10, 2011

Dearest Ex.

Yes, you're dear to me, always will be. We went through a lot together and I'm sure you'll agree neither thought the 'lot' would comprise of so much. Love turned to hate and there came a point where we both believed that it was all a lie and that we'd never even set eyes on the other.

Then you grew up :)
I'm so happy you did for I missed your presence and silly laugh in my life. When you spend that amount of time with someone, you can't just erase it. When days, nights, dusks and dawns are made of the same person, just ignoring him forever is not something that let's my mind at ease. Of course I moved on in life, you know I move on from anyone and anything but I never stopped caring. Even when I pretended and acted otherwise, how you turn out has always mattered to me. Even when I was a complete bitch, it was just because you'd pushed me to the wall so much that I had to push back. I never meant for me to hurt you but I guess it was me hurting all that while so I took it out on you. And just that once you didn't take it.

You were my present from Santa last christmas. And in that half-shared cigarette, it was like no time had passed. I was however, with someone else and circumstances didn't let us clear everything out, once and for all. Maybe we'd have had that last hug afterall if things had gone our way.

But destiny is not something that works according to our whims and fancies. I was meant to stay with that guy and go on to meet my soulmate through him. You were meant to figure out my love for you that once existed on your own, without any help from even me. We were meant to forgive each other and look back at our past with nostalgia and remembrance rather than bitterness and regret.

I never regretted you Garv. Sure you made me hate you but I don't regret us. You taught me how to laugh like nobody was looking, how to give myself to a guy and most importantly how to love. I loved you. But then, you know that right? Now I know you do. And there's a kind of solace in knowing that I was the only girl you ever loved. After all this time, it eases the pain I once went through, for I know now that you never gave up that love.

And someday, we'll sit and talk about it all. For we both need answers for why a love so strong, snapped and how people got into your head and made me a bitch and how circumstances got into mine and made you an asshole. Someday I want us to sit down and sort it out. If not for anything then for the two teenagers who once loved each other. We owe it to their memory.

And when I see you next, now I won't hold myself back, I will hug you.. because you're my friend. I lost a friend to a relationship recently but through our relationship, I made one of my bestfriends. I want that to stay. We may never be those two teenagers again, but instead of having remorse about it, I'll smile for sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can come together. And you may not smile with me, you may never completely forget us, but I will help you like me again for I know that you believe in me and I'll restore your faith in the fact that I'm still that one in a million girl whose absence leaves a void in your life.

Lastly, I want to thank you. For all the memories. For all those firsts. For all those tears you wiped off; I only blamed you for the ones you caused but you actually drank in a lot of them too. For letting me in. For not giving anyone else the privilege to your heart. For not sharing my place with anybody else. And most of all, for all the love.

I know now what ecstasy is but you showed me happiness and if it weren't for that I wouldn't know how to value what I have now. You taught me a lot Garv and I hope the only thing you learnt from me was not to never love again.

There's no point to this letter except the fact that you're still a part of my world. And I'm glad to be a part of yours. I could forgive you because I realized that you loved me enough.. so I could erase the pain with that and still be left with a little extra.

I wish you well. I wish us well.
But I don't need to wish anymore. Finally, all is well.

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