Need you now.

When you're writhing and tossing in pain and you'd give anything for it all to end, there's a moment, just one, when in the darkness of your closed eyes, flashes a face and suddenly you don't care about the pain anymore, all you care about is that person cause you somehow associate all your pain to end with his presence.

As if those arms would be the solution, his face the remedy, and a kiss on the forehead - a perfect cure. But this is just your deluded head playing games with you. The pain's peaked so much that all reason has left you and science doesn't seem to make sense anymore. So you live in an illusion, a dream if you will.

And you know what all my dreams are made of right? You do know whose arms I'd run into scared or unhappy? Who I'd share my incessant plans and dramatic stories with? I don't dream too well, rather I dream horribly but when I do dream, it's always about you, always about us and everything we ever were and always will be.

Because this distance can break me but when it does, know that I'm breaking for you. And being this far away, is the hardest thing life will ever make me do.

But then again, nobody said it was easy. From now, to an eternity, easy is one thing it'll never be because the only thing that'll ever be simple and easy is "us". We're just, souls structured from the same model and split apart at the very last nanosecond due to some unknown mystery. You're me and I'm you. And even when I don't say it, I do love you.

You continue living your life and I'll continue living mine, not wondering but knowing what it would be to be living this life together and dragging on in it without you, just the same. Because some day, one day, we'll be together. And this teeny tiny possibility of a tomorrow that might just be ours, all ours, gets me through the today that can't be.

And until I come back and complete your nights with my giggles, and excessive drinking and shared cigarettes over the balconies and terraces, I promise to be your goodmorning. I promise to be right here, every morning, where you leave me, waiting for you each night.

The onset.

In between all the drags,
There was a wish,
Just one.
For you to be mine,
And time to stand still.
Amongst all those butts of stubbed fags,
There was a desire,
Another 'just one'
To reach the end of time,
And crossover that window sill.

Amongst nightmares and a dream,
The many of the former
The latter - just one.
I tried to hold onto you,
And that faded memory of us.
Stifling the tossing and that scream,
All night, every night
Since and till forever.
I fought each and every blue,
Because I'm sick of being a wuss.

Of all those I knew,
I tried hard to find
Another you.
But they all disappoint me..
Always did..
Made not many; friends are few,
I scan their faces
Their eyes scan mine.
They read them yet let me be..
Discard me as another troubled kid.

He took it all from me,
One dilapidated, casual day
Of my lost childhood.
Snatched the innocence & the genuine smile..
Never to return.
And how I want just to be free,
From this cage he trapped me in
With seemingly no exit door.
And if there is, I haven't found the key for a long while,
All I do, is gradually burn.

I don't know why I took so long,
To give up on god
And other useless, nonsensical things. He was never there; never existed,
Or maybe just not for me.
I don't know how they're still alive, bits of my song.
When the soul is tarnished
Was tarnished, long ago.
You sadist, I was always on your list,
So congratulations, no more of me you'll ever see.

You're the storm that I believe in.

"I'm an angel bored like hell,
And you're a devil meaning well.."

I've grown up. All of me. Like the tiny bit of me which wasn't cold inside and vulnerable to someone breaking and tearing me up, is gone. You helped me grow. But now that I have, I'm not sure I wanted to have grown up so much, so fast.

I love you.
I guess love truly means different things to different people. And now I'm edging closer to your definition of it because I guess that's the most love I've ever gotten anyway. Then why does it feel like I lose both ways?

I love you.
Enough to spend it waiting but you'd rather I live it. You'd rather we live it. Me? I'll just go with the flow.. Wherever it takes me this time.. I'll be blown away.. To you or from you remains to be decided..

I love you.
Shh. It seems excessive doesn't it?
It seems pointless baby.
It seems.. Too much, too soon.

But you're the storm that I believe in baby.. And with you I'd like to be blown away.. Burst into a thousand tiny fragments that dissolve into the nothingness of this universe as you hit them; blow into pieces and bits that even you can't gather and place together; spin and toss around with the velocity that forces you to revolve till eternity and a gravity so strong that you feel it all and yet, you feel nothing at all.

Because, I love you.

Tonight.

Tonight I'm missing you.
And you don't need to know this.
Not you, nor your voice, nor your arms around me anymore.
But you know that don't you?
You know I'm not around, never was, never will be.
Erase me then tonight, so I can begin to erase you too. Because holding on suddenly hurts too much.

Coming back to life.

Even if I tried, I could not have asked for more.

I'm starting in order and thanking you all so that some day far, far away I remember exactly who made my eighth what it was.

Shail Jalan, for waking me up to a beautiful birthday eve and then making it into an even more beautiful day and an epic night. You're too many things to me, at too many different levels and I cannot sum us up ever. You're like a mother and a sister and a friend and so much all at once. It's insane. But you defined us once and for all last night. You're my Yang. And we are a closed circle baby. We are fucking tight. Always will be. I know I whine and crib about this place a bit. Okay, a lot. :P but I'll never really regret coming here, ever. It gave me you.. In a way nobody else will ever have you. And that's somehow compensation enough. Cheers baby!

Abhinav Rastogi, for taking me out to a balcony of condom shaped balloons and making me laugh like you always do. You're my friend. My best guyfriend. That will always stay true, no matter how much time goes by. You're my dancing partner, you're my chatterbox, you're my smoking buddy, you're my person I talk to once fuck shit drunk, you're just something else man. We're something else. The world, most of it, will never get it. But then again, when did we ever care about the world? Thank you, for last night. We just proved yet again that as long as we're together, no matter what fucked up place we're in, we'll set it on fire.

Dad, you were my first call. I wanted you to be. You're my hero, and I love you. That says it all really. Thank you for going out of your way always to put a smile on my face. 

Mom, you're the reason for my existence and the reason I go on. My strength, my life. Thank you for making me, ME. It's all you baby. 

Priyamvada Rathore, I love you more than words can say. Thanks for being my best friend, my sister, my Rats. For the little things you do which never go unnoticed; for all the songs; for all the memories; for being just what I always need you to be. I'll never let you down. Don't ever let me go.

Anirudh Tiwari, my boyfriend. From the poem, from being my first letter, to the amaaazing call, to every tiny thing you did yesterday love. For being my soulmate. For making me believe in love at the first note..

Baby,

I love you, I swear to you, it's true. 

Adhiraj Singh Rathore, for that insanely long skype conversation and just random things in general. You're right dude. There are no two people on this planet like us. Heh. Except maybe my boyfriend. But then, you're open to threesomes right? :P

To everyone who called me.. The family.. the friends.. 

Everyone who changed their statuses for me or put up pictures with me..

EVERYONE who mailed me..

Thank you for making my eighth, everything that is always was and always will be. For ensuring it continues to be my favourite date in the world. 

For all the names mentioned above, 

For you all, a thousand times over.   

Home.

So I'm sitting with two of my best friends. And fuck what friends I have. I feel blessed. But I'm still such a selfish bitch that I miss being in Jaipur. I miss my home the most in July. I'd give anything to be back home, to not be holding back my tears as I down this glass.

A glass of beer in this balcony is happiness. But a breezer back on my terrace would be bliss. What I wouldn't do to have that. I guess you realize how much something means to you when you've truly lost it. And it feels like I lost it all.

Stay with me? Love me a little? I know I'm demanding baby. But please. I need you. Now. I need you. Always.

Like fuck I do.

Letter to a friend.

At times you close your eyes to the world, you close your eyes to everything and just wish for everything to go back in time and fall into place. The time where your biggest worry was which song finally got picked for the 'final' dance show, who won the game of hide and seek or who got the center spot in the choreography. How did we get here? How did things get so out of hand and out of place?


A part of me knows answers to these questions but that's a part I'm stifling, just for today. For today I write to a friend who became my friend before I knew it and lasted through the test of time. A friend who promised to be there for me, forever and a friend who was always so keen to meet me, who always wanted 'us' time.


Certain things you realize and remember only once they're long gone and a part of your history but the very fact that they existed, once, is somehow solace enough. Forever is too long a time and you should not expect anyone to be around for that long a time. It's not their fault. Promises that are made do not account for the things - big and small - that will happen along the way. Not everything and everyone can withstand cracks.


Nevertheless, that does not take away the fact that we were once friends. In my heart, we always will be. And if nothing else then I will hear your voice for these two minutes, same date, each year. There are traditions in little things, and these traditions I can not let go of. Wishing you is one and will continue to be.


Just for today, I remember you as my friend, just that. The guy I adored before things got so complicated. Just for today I go back in time to that night when we to dinner, the two songs that made the night, the drive that lasted just the right time and the happiness that surrounded us. We were untainted and pure. We were good. And then fourteenth happened.


But that's another story which doesn't feature here. Because even when you do grow up, you never stop playing pretend. You never stop wishing that maybe just some one gesture will make it all alright; Make the good times last forever and the bad memories shrink to nothing. 


You'll always be my friend. Through all our silences, and awkward conversations, and attempts at normalcy, the memory of your friendship will not fade. With time I might learn to live without it, I'm good at that. The little things that made you, you and us, us, may no longer exist and we might grow to be individuals who say years from now, 'I used to have a friend..'


I never wanted the chapter of our lives to have to start with that line. But in case it does, I want you to know, that's not how my story will start. That is not the start I'll ever give us. 

And with this, again we part, like the countless times before but this time I guess it really is goodbye. I thought long and hard of what to get for you for your birthday. And in the end, the answer was simple really. The best present I can give you this year, is a world without me in it. 


So happy birthday my friend.
Have a wonderful day and life ahead of you.


"I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight.. into the shining sun"