Medicine.

Today seems like the first day of the rest of my life.
I've been heading in this direction for a while now and there's been much anticipation and anxiety associated with it that now that I'm here, it's really not sunk in yet. I'm unsure, unstable and it's unpredictable, what the future has in store for me. It remains to be seen if it'll be beautiful or a beautiful disaster. (Quote: Kelly Clarkson).

As I quote this I realize how my life's always been led by symphonies and melodies aloft. I was told not once but a million times how this is not the field I belong in.. This is not meant for me. But today as I stood under that shower, all my uncertainties were drowned and washed away and I wondered why I ever doubted myself in the first place. What better music that the beat of a heart? What better rhythm than that of the pulse?

I wanted to share it with you today baby. But you're not here to hug me before my first class or ask me after how it went. I woke up on my own, made myself a strong horrible tasting glass of coffee and did everything on my own. Because. You're not here. And it sucks. But then that can't be the reason I hold myself back or slack. Now more than ever I need to do justice to this distance and show you how it's not going to be an obstacle but just one of the many hurdles I overcome to be your shining star, all over again.

Today seems like the first day of the rest of my life. Today seems like my dream. And no matter how many miles separate us, I am sharing it with you my love.

So, it's official.

Fourteenth.

And every step I take towards you leads me to my destiny.
Because in you, I find the reflection of what I'd always wanted but never had.

Eighteenth.

I'll always see you like nobody does or can or has.
Because you see me like that too.

And just like that, we stopped running away from us and the fate and everything in between. When you really want something, the whole conspires you to achieve it (quote: Paulo Coelho) but when the whole conspires to bring two people together, maybe that just means they're true soulmates.

We're meant to be baby. Or so you say. It took a while to realize that and accept it. Bits and pieces of me are still scared and running away, but you're keeping me together, pulling me back. Now there's nothing left to do really but let myself crash into you, once and for all. You'll either break and scatter me into a thousand tiny pieces.. or we'll come together and create something we've never experienced before. Something history's not seen before. I guess it's worth a shot. We're worth a shot.

Because well this way even if we go up in flames, we'll atleast know we burnt trying. 

Let's rewind.

To a happier time, a happier place.
To the haven that we built for ourselves, the moments we snatched from this world, for us. Where we were the only ones who existed and the world around us was present but immaterial. Where you could make me laugh and just looking at me would make you smile. When we were the only ones in on our private jokes. When we didn't blink because the memory was too good to miss even a nanosecond of. When the phone calls were never ending, and the texts, each of them left us gooey inside. When the roads of our life were inter-wound, even in the minutest of things.

I had to find you, tell you I need you..

Every inch of my existence with you around seemed to make sense, and with it gone, a part of me has gone too. I put up this facade of strength and wisdom but who am I kidding?

Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part..

I wake up each morning and look around at these pale blue walls, these walls that are the cage that I'm trapped in. This head of mine that's the biggest jail I'm sentenced to life in. This prison of a life without you in it.


No one ever said it would be so hard..

If only you could give me something to hate you for. Something by which erasing you becomes an option, a necessity, a need. But you're constantly there in everything, you sick, sadistic, twisted little evil thing. And I'm the masochist who pretends to run away from you, from us, when all I actually do is rewind and replay everything, over and over again. Our memories are not on shuffle, they're on a constant loop.

Oh take me back to the start..

Playlist for my funeral.

Only a music fanatic and a death antagonist like me can come up with an idea so strange. Observe the contrast of the emotions here. My insane love for music, my blind hate for death. And yet in the end, they will be united. Life may not begin with the note of a song, but it surely must end with one. This is how I would like it to end for me, in this particular order.

1. The Scientist - Coldplay
2. Theme from Love Story
3. Never say never - The Fray
4. Wish you were here - Pink Floyd
5. The Scientist (instrumental cover) - Old School Freight Train

And if Anirudh Tiwari is still in my life, I'll keep my promise.. he can sing.. "Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend - James Blunt". In the beginning, the end, or wherever. And as an afterthought actually, Priyamvada should sing too. "How to save a life - The Fray."

This is it. The songs which will define my life.
And once you've played this playlist for me, you will all know that I do in fact, rest in peace.
Amen.

Now you're mine, now you're not.

I wish I was there and not here. Because there has you. And here is not good without you. I know me being there wouldn't change anything.. not much anyway.. But I like to believe it would. I like to blame it all on the distance and not you or me. I'd rather believe that, than the fact that we're anything less than perfect- together or apart.. You say all these things and then you do something else.. I don't know what to expect from you.. from us.. Is there even an 'us'?

I went running today too.. Yesterday was for health.. today I needed it.. I needed clarity.. And I ran long and hard and nothing came. My head was blank. My heart was numb. And my body was moving but in uncoordinated motions. There was no sync. I wasn't in sync with myself because I wasn't in sync with you. Music didn't work either.

However if there's one thing time does teach you, it's strength. I didn't let the tears that were brimming my eyes spill. Oh no. The heartache I will feel in my heart alone. I don't cry on the outside anymore. For nothing and nobody. Because I finally believe in Mom's words, "Nobody's ever worth your tears. And the one who is, won't make you cry."