Boys.

My love life, or the lack of it, has led me to pick up my pen again today. This is metaphoric of course since it's my keypad I'm using and my newly vibrating screen that I'm seeing the words appear on.

I hate boys. Like I love them, but I hate them. I am one of those people who've always said that they're cooler human beings, better people and much better friends and I am also the one who says they mess up lives, are the cause of all problems and think with their dick instead of their heart.

I do believe boys make the best of friends. But usually, these friend material boys you never find. And the ones you do, usually fuck it up. The few however who don't are the ones to keep, for life. Because they are the ones who restore my faith in men in general. Because if it weren't for them and my brothers, I would have given up on this community long back.

Admit it, life was so much simpler when boys were enemies we fought with and playmates we weren't too fond of as they liked the ugly GI JOEs more than our pretty barbies! Then they became the cool studs who played football, rode bikes and gelled hair. To make it worse, they even wore perfumes that sent us in a frenzy. They started hanging out with us, introduced us to sarcasm and wit and made us discover a whole new side of us we didn't know could exist.

They took our hands and placed it on their hearts. They kissed our foreheads. They whispered words in our ears. They cracked lame jokes that left us rolling on the floor. They looked with us at the sky above and made us wish for things they promised would come true one day. They knew we wished for them. And they knew they would break our wishes. Then why set us up?

I hate this about boys; this among other things. How they lead you on to something and then take it away. I also hate how nonchalant they are, how supremely unconcerned about us once they're done with us. I hate the speed with which they move on from one girl to the next without a backward glance. But what I hate most is how unpredictable they are, how impossible to comprehend. Everyone marvels at what a girl thinks but I am truly amazed as to how a boy's mind works. What goes on in that devilish chamber? How is he not half as affected as us?

I used to love the carefree nature of boys. I hate it now. How do they let nothing bother them or are they just very good at hiding. How come they can make and break our world.. how can they destroy us without us even scarring them? Why do they make us fall for them with no intention of catching us?

Ignorance is bliss.

No wonder boys live in a blissful world; since they are distinguished at ignoring. They're brutal and cruel, for the want of harsher words. They walk on without a backward glance, they strut with their head held high and they hum a new tune when we are still engraving the lyrics of the first song we sang with them.

why then do we allow them do to this?

This perhaps is the question. And this is why they say they don't understand girls. Because it really in un-understandable as to how girls put up with all of the crap that boys put them through.

Denial.

I think we all live in it. We refuse to believe what stares us in the eye. We refuse to believe that we're the rule. We hope, wish, pray to be the exception. We believe that we will be the girl who changes him, who makes him tell his friends, "She's the one mate". But sooner rather than later, reality has a way sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. There's only so much and for so long that you can pretend. You have to wake up from your dreams to your nightmares. You have to see things for what they really are, you have to see boys for the jerks they are. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. We can't pretend we don't pin our hopes on them just like we can't say we're not let down. Our knights in shining armours have a way of turning out to be losers in aluminium foil. And yet we falter and we fall, for the bad, hurting nobody but us.

Denial.

De-Nile.

It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a fucking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Love.

I love, love. The idea of love, the thought and the joy of love. The euphoria it brings, the thrill, the exhilaration. Just how someone can make your world go around and then bring it to a halt. How one moment can linger on in your memory for a lifetime. How you look forward to being blown away and swept off your feet. How people surprise you with the little things they do and make you dizzy with happiness.

Ever since we were kids, we were told fairytales. Then we grew up and were introduced to the world of movies. And then we found novels and stories. Everything strung together telling us just one thing, of how fate and destiny function to bring together people who’re meant to be.

Scenario I. Boy meets Girl. They fall madly, deeply, irrevocably in love and live happily ever after and grow old together.

Scenario II. Boy meets girls. They fall in love but they meet obstacles in their way, in the name of religion, caste, creed and they battle them all to live happily ever after and grow old together.

Scenario III. Forlorn boy meets dejected girl. They hook up for fun and realize how they’ve finally found the person they’d been looking for. Again, the happily ever after.

But what if none of these scenarios work out? Working by permutations and combinations there’s got to be people for whom none of the above hold true, not even a modified version of the above works. What, then? What if a lovesick person like me who has believed in these fairytales and prince charming and eternal love and soulmates doesn’t have one?

Soulmate.

The one person, whose made for you. But what if you don’t find them? What if everyone who comes close to you doesn’t come close enough to being your soulmate? What if you look for signs, sparks, but don’t find them? Or maybe you just can’t tell one sign from the other. How do you just “know” that you want to spend the rest of your life with some person. What if that person doesn’t? What if! Who is the authority on all of this anyway? My soulmate may be someone whose soulmate is someone else.

In the end, the only thing that I believe in now is faith. You keep faith, and in the end it will all work out is how I see it. I have faith in love. It can’t elude me forever. It will find me and boy when it does it’ll know I’ve been waiting. My prince charming will come, and he will sweep me off my feet.

PS: This one’s dedicated to my first crush, my first boyfriend, my first love and my first soulmate for making me realize the difference in between and exactly why none of it was meant to be.

The unknown evades.

Today has been an extremely bad day for me. If you were to ask me why, I wouldn't be able to conjure up an answer because nothing happened. Not on the surface anyway. But something inside me went wrong, very wrong. It's one of those days when you feel hollow for no apparent reason. Hollow, and alone. I feel like I was stumbling towards this day for a long time and now that it's here, I know not what to do with it.

Exams are over. I am supposed to be jumping with joy in the rain puring outside. But somehow the rain seems ominous too. As if the heavens too are weeping. Like something has gone amiss. I need someone right now, more than ever. And I don't even know who. Or what. The chemical balance of my body has probably been disturbed because there's no logical explanation to what I'm feeling really. But then again, when have I ever worked by logic?

when have I ever done what's right? or felt what's right? Or even sensible. My emotions make little sense to me somehow so I doubt they'll make sense to anyone else.

The raindrops are still falling on my windowpane. It's not a pleasant sound. It's like the sound of bullets. Blasting through my head. One shot after the next. With every shot, my heart seems to sink some more and I drown a little more in the ever increasing water around me.

It's getting dark in here.. or maybe the darkness is in my head. But it sure is growing. And taking up every inch of my existence tonight. It's intricate and complex to explain what it is that I'm feeling but it's like, something bad, very bad has happened and something worse is still to come. I wish my able mind could tell me what since my darling heart has been kind enough to fuck me over again.

I'm walking down an empty road and there are no lights or signs to guide me. There's nothing to tell me where I'm going. The road is stained with the tears I've shed and the people I've left behind and yet I'm walking on. I wish I knew why.

I think some people are broken beyond repair. Damaged. Tormented souls who never find peace. Tonight, I am one of them. Yet again.

Just the right amount

01.August.2o1o

So this is increasingly becoming like my personal diary and the people subscribed to my blog by mail would be raising their eyebrows by every passing post, thinking why did they ever ask to be notified about my crappy attempt at a blog? Nevertheless you're in now, so bear with it.

I needed to have a shitty morning to realize the beauty of the night. I needed to cry, for me to appreciate the smile I finally had on my face when I fell asleep.

I had to do it, all of it, to remind myself that I do it for me, not anyone else. I am not Mother Teresa and I am certainly not as noble as my last post made me look. I plan surprises, do things for people. But it's not for them really. It's for me. That smile I see right after on a person's face, that makes it worthwhile. That makes it my pleasure more than anyone else's.

I needed to see those smiles yesterday to remind myself why is it that I do, whatever it is that I do. I managed to piss off a friend too in the process, but I needed this. I needed to go al over town, giving lame bookmarks to people, to feel the exhilaration of the day. and I needed to begin and end it with the two closest friends of mine, to know the difference between them and the rest of the world.

A quite, peaceful dinner with Abhinav and Shail; a mail from my parents; and a chat about nothing and everything with Shreiya. It made the day complete, and totally worthwhile. Friends as they say, come in different shapes and sizes and forms. Usually where you least expect them.

I'm blessed to have found friends here.

Thank you.

Happy Friends' Day to me.

I wanted to write a separate mail to everyone, and then I wanted to just write this in my diary so that it would go unnoticed, just like me, but I just don't have it in me to do that. I can't pick up a pen. I don't have the strength to make the strokes. It's killing me, this distance. I really want to be at home today, more than ever. I'm crying for people's presence after so long. July was a great month despite the illness but july's drawn to an end now and with it the happiness which was growing like a bubble inside me, seems to have burst.

I'm missing not only my friends back home but my parents too. Today's friends' day and I never thought I would be sentimental on this day even for my friends, leave apart parents. I always thought it was a little gay to wish friends on just one day but well life has a way of hitting you where you least expect it. I'm sitting here since last night and missing this very shitty day. My random day outs with my hoards of friends, each year a different set, the friendship bands, the cards, the gifts, the letters I would write. I wonder why my heart refuses to stop bleeding. I really wonder what I'm made of.

I made almost everyone here friends' day cards and I'm probably just going to be mocked at or made fun of since I highly doubt any of them would know the value of friends' day or even friends in general. I surprised Shail and Abhinav last night.. they didn't even know it's friends' day and I bought them a few things they love and wrote them letters. Then I called Doll at Indian time midnight. It was pretty perfect till then until I came back to my room, and wept alone. For what? I don't know.

I am so tired. I am so tired of always being the one to surprise and never getting surprised. I am so tired of remembering each and every detail about my friends all the time. I am so tired of it all. I want to run away. From myself, more than anything. I scare me.

I am tired of these tears dripping down my cheeks, their warmth is pissing me off now. I don't think I'll ever mean a shred of what people mean to me. and it sort of sucks. Because I do love them and they don't see it and they'll never know it. I think of people when I'm happy, I think of them when I'm sad, with every smile and tear I have a memory, then why am I not etched in people's minds? Do I make no impact whatsoever? Am I really that insignificant? I never meant to be a passerby.. a random onlooker.. but I guess that's what I am. That's all I'll ever be.

I don't know why I'm writing this, much less why I'm writing this here. I guess I want this pain to stop and writing helps me do that. But I'm being a selfish bitch here and expecting things which I shouldn't be. when did I become so demanding Papa? why didn't you slap me when I did? when I start expecting so much Mum? why didn't you refuse to give in when I was stubborn? why, why have you both let me lead a life on my terms? do you know that's what kills me today? I expect the world to function according to me. because you always seemed to make the world stop for me.

why the hell did you both love me like this? I don't even deserve it! and it's raised my expectation about love altogether. Now I expect my friends to love me like that too! Love is always a two way channel you said, but I guess it's always been one sided for me. Me loving people. People walking away.

The glass is empty again. The sky just turned black from grey.

The pessimist is back.

I am what people have made me.

I'm sorry, just your love wasn't enough. I've always been a greedy little bitch.

My senses are draining me of vision now.. and it's changing to a blur.. I guess this is where I take your leave.