Closed my eyes.

I closed my eyes
And fell down
Back to it all
Back into your arms..
Somewhere I find peace
And I'm at home..
Until I wake up
Until I realise
That my reality doesn't include you
You're only a part of my dreams

And on into the day
I reflect upon it again & again
Till the thoughts are etched..
On every bit of my brain

And when I sorrow
That I may never have you for my own
I just..
Close my eyes..

Random .

Some random thoughts. They're disconnected. Put them all into one. Each star distinguishes a thought which was written at a completely different time.

*Here's to all those girls who used to be his number one. The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute. Here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, got crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again.Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. One day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It's gonna hurt like crap, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal. This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again.

*I'm sitting here today, upset and yet not. I'm not sad that it's over, I'm horrified by how you handled it. The things we did, the things we said, the way I tried to fight.... it all sums up to nothing, which is what I was to you. Thanks for allowing me the privilege to know how little you really cared. Everything I did and said was real and true, and I NEVER would have done that to you.

*If you can't get someone out of your head then maybe they're supposed to be there.

*I'm going to fall asleep thinking about him. Godd. Damn it!

*I love you. -Thankyou.

*I am lost and confused never see my friends lost the privilege of school Got no support from this "family" no one cares or want whats best for me My life is all falling apart Let me go back so i can have a new start *I want my old life back*

*Whatev.

Materialists.

Materialism creeps in,
Emotions drown
All smiles are gradually
Replaced by frowns.
Megalomaniacs are born
There's nothing we see
Our world begins & ends
With the term "money"
I, me, myself
And there's nothing else
We've failed to bridge the distance,
that slowly creeps in..
grows on, clutches us
depresses us, separates us

And it's in times like these
That we see the right way
And realise-without each other,
There's no wonderwall anyway .

Smudged .

Smudgy eyes
Dark circles
That irritated look
The tired morning
Smudged kohl
Incapability to get
Out of bed
The laziness
Hitting the snooze
A million times .

The getting late
The falling out of place
Getting the absent mark.
Struggling to stay awake
Then sleeping in class.

My friend walks
To my backseat
Looking at me with curiosity
My usual smile
The casual shrug
That my night was worthwhile
"I spoke to him all night"

The laughter.
Then, respite.

Three words .

A dawny morning
Turns gray
The happiness of yester days
Seems to fade away
As if my emotions
Were sucked right out
I`m forever doomed
There is no doubt

Another day, another prayer
I want this monotony to end..
There is no hope-there is no care
It`s time I face reality..

The rain falls
like heavenly drops
but it doesn`t heal my pain
I`m stuck alone..
In this misery
Fighting.. but in vain

And the sun comes back
Shining brightly..
For some it`s rainbow time..
But my sky grows darker
I can`t see no sun
There isn`t a speck of light

I pull the covers over me
As I try to fight reality
I know I must be strong
My life can`t go so wrong

But this pain goes on an` on
Never stopping.. never ceasing..
I`m suffocating now..
Think I stopped breathing..

And as all lights turn out
I slash, I cut, I bleed
But I feel a sense of relief
And here I am-
all fucked up
harming myself so bad
living on the edge..
of just three words..

kill me god..

Shiromi. *

Me, myself, and ..

When I look at you..
I feel something deep down
I don’t know what it is
But my heart skips a beat
When I look at you..
I don’t act like I should
I feel I should say something funny
And my face feels hot
When I look at you..
I don’t know what comes over me
Have I felt it before?
My heart surely beats faster
When I look at you..
I’m glad that you’re looking
Making me conscious, nervous
And so weak inside
When I look at you..

I cant decide what I think of you
Is it your looks I like
But I’ve met smarter people
Then why do “you” catch my eye?
Why do you make me forget mewhy do you make my imagination wander
Why do you make me wonder
About me, myself,and..

..and the possibility that can exist
the possibility that’s so inviting
the possibility am hoping for
of me, myself, and..

it’s not like I’m crushing on you
it’s just that I like you a lot
and whenever I speak to you
my breath seems to get caught

and when I look at you
all I’m really thinking of
is—me, myself, and..

Shiromi. *

Can't smile again

I wish I could leave
This pain behind me
I wish I could walk
All alone
I wish I dint ever
Feel lonely
I wish there was
Some hope..

Cuz you cant stop the tears
That ain’t coming
Cuz you cant stop the bleeding
That ain’t there
And you can’t smile perfectly
When you’re broken
And that’s the reason I cant
Smile.. again..

I wish I could feel
Warmth around me
I wish I could soar
In the sky
I wish I had the strength
To move on..
I wish I had wings
So I’d fly

Cuz you cant feel wanted
When you’re lonely
Cuz you cant feel pain
When you’re numb
And no matter what
Anyone tells me
I know I cant
Smile.. again..

I wish I found
Someone to love me
I wish I found
Some care
I wish I could hear
My phone ringing
I wish I could just
Blurt out the truth

Cuz you can’t lie to
Yourself forever
Cuz you can’t hide
Away from the truth
And you can’t mend
A soul so injured
And you cant live
Without a soul..

And I wish I could just
End this misery
I wish I could
Drown in the air
I wish I had
Nothing around me
To tell me that
I wont be the same

Cuz you cant feel scared when you know,
That there is no better end
cuz you cant feel secure and perfect,
When you know you’ve lost it all again..
And I know that’s why..
I cant smile.. again..

Shiromi . *

Moments of Grief.

The life revolves simply around two basic-est emotions. Happiness & grief. And somehow, the sad always overshadows the bright, happy one. It’s weird but we don’t think about a movie in which the actor & actress lived happily ever after, it’s the one in which there was death & tears that tends to linger on in our mind. Even when we read, the books that touch our soul are usually the ones, which have dealt with sorrow and distress. Maybe, the reason is because we can connect more to the pain, we can feel the pain. Then why is it that the happiness doesn’t strike as strong a bond? Of course the jokes make us laugh, the sarcasm clicks and the thrill as it unfolds slowly sends shivers down our spine. But the tears that a book causes, somehow measure the writing skills of the author.

It’s weird as to why I’m writing this today. It’s not that I’m sad, no. I’ve led on an average a great life. Though people like to stay in self-pity & go on forever how life’s been hard on them, I think that’s just the way of life. It doesn’t come easy, not even to the richest or the most popular or the most powerful. It may vary in the degree of hardships but no one’s life is oblivious to hardships. So, I’ve faced my share, and I’m sure there are many more to come. But I’ve had my share of happy times so I can’t complain. If I dare say it, I’ve had the best of things usually. And I’ve had the pleasure to experience some of the finest emotions. Again, it’s not the ‘good’ (as I say by convention) emotions that are defined as fine. They can never teach you as much.
In the eyes of an average beggar I’ve seen the desperation for my packet of lays; in the eyes of a little girl I’ve seen the pleading look for a doll she really wants; in the eyes of a mother I’ve seen the look of helpless-ness when she wants to but can’t get her child something that she so badly wants; I’ve seen the look of guilt on a father’s face when he can’t face the fact that he can’t provide as well for his family; the look in a sick man’s eyes when he knows that nothing any doctor says/does anymore can save him anymore.. He knows he’s breathing his last breaths and his longing to live just a little more, to spend time with his loved ones for just another day; the look of pity etched in a passer-by’s face when he/she sees a dog lying hurt; the laughter of a small kid; the wails of an irritated child; the sobs of a friend..
But as I sit here, there’s no worse a feeling than what I feel for my country. It’s the true definition of grief. I see as the crowd heads in their respective directions everyday, without the slightest intension of doing an extra something for their country, our country. I see the sensex shooting up everyday (having not any idea what it indicates/means) and yet, I see the streets full of beggars, the roads jam-packed with pollution causing vehicles, the population going over-the-top, the number of starving / thirsty / shelter less people bursting over the normal average, the crime rate soaring up, the number of rapes & molestation cases touching the sky, meaningless murders towering, the litter and dirt on the street & in the society reaching an all time high, the list is truly endless. But what upsets me the most is the fact that every individual is so busy in his or her respective life that he doesn’t bother to take out even a moment and spare one tiny thought towards “where” this nation is headed.

I’m not a student of history, so I many have the facts wrong, but from what I gather, this is not what our fore fathers- the freedom fighters- fought for. They struggled & fought & faced trials and tribulations against the British in order to achieve a better tomorrow. They envisaged a country with a bright future, for the upcoming generations. It pains me to say but their sacrifice was not of any use. We’re still mental slaves—to the dominant system, the corrupt politicians and most of all to our money-craving, power-hungry desires. We’ve stopped thinking beyond ourselves. I may not be a follower of any philosopher/leader but I sit here and feel sorry for Gandhi & Bhagat Singh & all the others, for having an ideology and for all their ideologies failing so miserably at the hands of the people of this country. I’m not amongst the people who blame the politicians—no. Because they too are one of us. We have selected them from this one billion plus population and it’s we as a society who should take the blame. Who amongst us is not corrupt? When we get the power, we’ll make sure that we misuse it too. Because we as a society are corrupt! We take pride in breaking rules, all of them. We think it’s a cool to misuse the public money, break people’s trust and ensure the expansion of our personal bank balances.

And yet, we all take “pride” in this so-called golden bird nation. Excuse me. What precisely are we taking pride in? Two to three hours of daily power cut? Lack of potable water? Sexual abuse of children, both boys and girls at the hands of their relatives? Fundamentalism in order to gain votes? Killing each other / fighting amongst ourselves while the real enemy walks away unscratched? Having the largest number of HIV + patients? Corporal punishments killing students every month? What is it exactly? The littered streets? The pest-infected country? The leaking taps? The height of mis-management that people die of drought and flood at the same time? The ever-increasing child labour? The sky-scraping number of crippled / diseased / suffering? WHAT? Enlighten me please; I’d love to know.

All these are things, which when I think about, I’m overcome by a greater grief than any sad book / sob Hindi film can cause. Because the sad-state of our country is incomparable. I know sitting and talking and writing about it is not going to help. Unless we all take some action, decide to make a difference, believe in the fact that we can make it happen and be the change that we want to see, nothing can be attained. So I’m taking a resolution this Diwali, that at least I will try my very best to make a difference in every way possible. Because, in the end, someone will have to take the initiative and realize that "The most exciting breakthrough of the 21st century will occur not because of technology, but because of an ever expanding concept of what it means to be human." (John Naisbitt). And even though I sound like a foolish, cheerful dreamer, as a Tee shirt in my closet reads, I’m not the only one.

Shiromi *

The Usual.

The usual, is usually the most difficult to put in words. And here I am, trying to do the very same. It’s Diwali time, the time to start anew & celebrate the year & thank the god for being so kind & praying for more prosperity blah blah. For me, Diwali in short is a time to clean. It’s when my mother entertains no excuses for having a messy room; it’s a time when you visit and are visited by people from far & near.. relatives you haven’t met in a while ( and you probably don’t want to either) and who go on & on about how you’ve grown & changed; it’s a time for weird blink lights and noisy crackers( which by the way I’m against as they cause pollution).

On this auspicious occasion my mother has forced me to clean my room. And anyone who knows me knows that this process usually involves me messing up things first and then re-arranging and sorting them in the best possible way. That’s the reason that I usually end up taking a lot of time for cleaning cuz once I set down to it (and I don’t set down to it too often) then I want to do it perfectly. Clothes: All the formals in one pile, all the black & white in one, all the things I never wear in one, the flashy party wear in one, Kuhu’s clothes in one (God Kuhu! I have to return a lot of things!).. You get the picture!

So as I was cleaning out one of my drawers I came across this box of letters.. and even though I knew that I had absolutely no time whatsoever to read them, I still sat down & started to unfold each one. It’s amazing as to how they managed to make me smile and cry at the same time. Some of them are so old that the pages have yellowed and the edges are slightly torn. Some of them so recent that I can still smell the parchment. And all of them, so meaningful. I know that things have changed, that most of these letters no longer hold any meaning. Contrary to what most of them said “We’ll always be best friends. I’ll never leave you. You’re my best friend” none of this really exists anymore. People turned out to be exactly the way they promised they wont. & The people who matter now are the ones who I don’t even have letters from! Time has moved on and proved a lot of my decisions wrong, a lot of my choices wrong. I look at every tiny little note from every friend of mine ever that I’ve preserved and I feel was it worth it? Was any of it ever worth it? Will any of it ever be worth it?

Just like the dewdrops which are so full of shine at dawn but dissolve as they day progresses, my feelings towards people too, seem to be dissolving.. the people who made up my world.. the people who I couldn’t not talk to even for a day.. I haven’t spoken to them for months. And all this makes me feel that once we all head in our respective directions.. will we even remember each other? Or is this all just going to die out? Will our parents actually be proven right as they say these friendships won’t last?!

And even as I say this, I can’t believe it. It’s too impossible. So what if some of us have fallen apart? What if some fights became too big to be sorted out & the people who could’ve sorted them chose not to? What if we did not trust each other as much or if we fell apart? I don’t believe that any of us will ever stop loving each other! At some point in life when we look back, we’ll remember the crazy / wild / dumb things we did and they’ll make us laugh & cry (just like these letters today) cuz we’ll be reminded of what we were, how life has changed us & what we’ll always be.

We’ll always be the cool-yo girls who never took life seriously, who sat in Art ‘a’ (XI/XII) all their life never talking anything productive; who looked at the ‘white-house’; who hid in the stadium when they wanted to bunk; who gave each other lectures on every possible thing; who came to each other for advice on boyfriends, first kiss, first dates, first months & first years; who clicked random pictures; who danced & posed & laughed; who discussed books/ movies/ eating joints; who roamed around the canteen; who tried to be in the videos that were being shot; there’s so much! How can I ever put all that’s happened in this one note? The break ups. The patch ups. The cat fights. The surprises. The lunches. The first years. The bunking. The AUTO RIDES all over Jaipur! The inventing new words each day (Ishani!). The Radhika Jokes. The moody-ness (Kuhu!). The govinda dancing (Aishwarya). The I-don’t-share-my-brunch (Aavriti). The talking about everything. The dirts. The sitting in XII Arts A even when something more worthwhile could be done (Shiromi). The I’m-not-short-I’m-fun-sized (Ruchika). The punjaban’s chimples (Vangoni). The chuniya&guruchela (ravija&shreiya). The captain planet (nandika jija!). These are all such irreplaceable moments & memories that I don’t feel they can ever be replaced by new ones. Even if we all go to big towns and lead our dream lives.. some part of us will always be with each other. And my thoughts will go with each one of you as you pass out and go away.

It’s not farewell time yet. For some of us, it will be soon as for others.. we still have an year to go. We banked upon these last two years so much as we wanted them to be the best. In some ways, they have been cuz even though we don’t realize it now, we’ll miss these days and even though school isn’t exactly the place it used to be.. it’s still our essence. It’s where we’ve led most of our lives, made most of our memories, shared most of our laughs and cried most of our tears. It’ll always hold a meaning in our lives. We may think that we’re all dying to go away but when we will actually go away, as Nandika once said: We’ll miss every fucking desk of this school cuz it has our names engraved on it in different colours.

I’m not sure if I’ve made sense, I’ve just tried to put down in words what randomly I felt and what I’ve always felt. Some parts may not hold true a few years later, but one thing always will..
“ At some point of time you’ve all meant the world to me. You may / may not anymore. I may/ may not miss you at the moment. But the memories we’ve created will always be etched in my heart and I’ll never ever forget any one of you & what a role you’ve played in my life. You may have made me cry but at least you had an impact on my life, and that, I’ll always remember.”

So here’s wishing you a happy diwali. I hope it brings all the joy in the world to each one of you. I hope that as the time goes by, we’ll all realize that what’s meant to be, will always find a way. And if we’re meant to be like this, then we will make sure we are. And I hope we do. All my seniors, and yes Ishani you too, I love you. I may have never said it and maybe I never will out loud, but you all make me so happy! Never change-cuz I’m too used to you. Never lose touch-cuz that’ll be heartbreaking. And always, always, remember that

You shouldn’t regret something
That once made you smile,
Cuz at one point in life,
It as what, made it worthwhile.
There’s a reason for every tear you cry,
Every drop that wets the sky,
And the reason as to why people from your past couldn’t make it to your future
Is cuz they, didn’t want to try.
Toomuchlove.
For ever & ever more,
Shiromi ~*

Hold on~
20.01.07

Those precious memories..
Were never forgotten
They just got buried deep down
In a corner of my heart
So far away, that
They didn’t make me smile or frown
But they were still there
Deep down inside
Hidden from this world, unseen
Slowly getting overshadowed
By newer, happier moments
On keeping which my heart was keen
Your memories I hid
In a lil lonely corner..
So I won’t look back at all
And move on in life..
With not a backward glance
Not thinking of our friendship’s fall

The world revolved.
Better things happened..
Things that made me smile..
“You” took a backseat..
and I guess I was successful
in removing your thoughts for a while..
but they`r still there..
those happy ecstatic memories..
buried deep in my heart.
And though we`v moved
ahead in our lives..
these memories will never part..
cuz things may have changed,
you may have changed
our frndship maybe forever gone..
But I wont ever
forget what it was..
to those memories..
I`ll always hold on..
Shiromi.*

Ps. I`ll hold on to you..
You fucked up bitch.!

I see

I see..
15.12.05

I see..
This world; drowning away in this race
The race of who’s better
I see
The people; running far in this maddening crowd
Far away from each other
I see
The kids; giving up on basic joys of life
‘cuz they’re all mugging
I see
The minds; turning to destruction and devastation
‘cuz creativity doesn’t really pay
I see
The laughter; slowly dying away from everywhere
Being taken up by global gloom
I see
These surroundings; gradually turning to dirt
Dirt of society—dirt of the world
I see..
And then I realize,
That only I do see..
Shiromi.*