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Sunday, June 3, 2018

An apology.

It's over, it really is.

I guess I don't want to accept it but it is. It has been for a while and I don't know how but I need to wrap my head around it. Accept the finality of things. At least start entertaining the idea that there's a very real possibility that we never speak again and that you're not a part of my life. 

It's over, it really is.

I guess if it is then all I want to say one last time is that I'm sorry and I love you. I'm sorry I have pushed you to a point where you're all alone. I'm sorry that you have to doubt everything and believe the worst about possibly what was once the best thing in your life. I'm sorry that you are doing things that you hate yourself for, just to stay sane and put yourself first. I'm sorry darling that the misunderstandings have gotten the better of us and that all your worst fears and insecurities seem to be proven right. I'm sorry we have to bear the brunt of everything that went wrong in the past two years, career and family wise. I'm sorry that you have no more fight left in you.

I'm sorry that it's over. It really is. 

I love you and I want it to have meant something. Maybe it means that we spent beautiful moments together for as long as life let us. We could create magic because we were magic together. Dancing in theatres, on roads, watching Netflix and FRIENDS for days, being feminists, just being together. 

It's over. It really is. 

I have dreamt of you for a month straight and waking up has been torture. Waking up to a reality that is a complete contradiction of my dreams and my desires takes the life out of me. But I smiled today. I don't know if I will be able to smile always but today I felt that maybe the only way we meet now is in my dreams, and if so, then to hell with everything, I'll smile because I get to see you. Because I know with time this will fade too. 

It's over. It really is. 

I guess I will never run out of things I want to say to you or words that I want to write for you. You will be the first person I think of whenever something good or bad happens for a long time to come. But that doesn't change anything. 

It's over. 
I'm sorry. 
I love you. 

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