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Monday, May 21, 2018

An Ode to Khilji.

I never wrote a review for Padmaavat, partly because it had already been spoken about so so much and partly because I could never entirely capture in words what that movie left me with - bitterness, anger, pride, sadness and a deep sense of regret. Almost as if the door wasn't shut on Khilji's dream of love, but mine.

Today I feel I want to write - not a review, no that is meaningless now but an ode to an insane lover - Khilji. The fact that this role was played by Ranvir Singh added so much power to this character and the second time around it was confirmed - I was in love - not with Khilji - but his insanity for this emotion.

I guess I am someone who has always had this one constant longing for love and a deep-rooted yearning that if at all someone does find it in him to love me, he also finds it within him somehow to fight for this love, to fight for me. 

Why this need for him to fight you might wonder. I certainly have struggled with this very question. Because I'm a fighter and I have always fought for the ideas, thoughts and people I believe in. I am willing to fight any man, woman or child who stands in the way or threatens any of these. I guess that's why I want someone who loves me to be willing to take on this fight as well. But that's still not all of it. But i'll get to that in a moment. The fact that Khilji was willing to quite literally break walls and move mountains for someone he had never even seen makes me want to believe that maybe just maybe someone will have that kind of strength. I know it's an impossible ask which is why I am in awe of the man who had it. He may have been a barbaric brute but his extent of love for her, his will and determination and in the end, his anguish at her loss... isn't something I can still capture in words. And I guess it's only fitting that if I can't capture it in words, what I'm looking for is also an impossibility to find.

I guess I'm yearning for this magnitude of love and fight because I wanted someone to fight for me since I was really young. Why? Because I didn't. And I didn't let anyone find out I needed to be fought for either. I hid the pain and the darkness for so long that it became a part of me. So oftentimes the person who tries to love me will have to fight not just the world, the circumstances but also me - because I will always need to be saved from my darkest demons. This will be the toughest fight of them all - these demons have defeated anyone in their path till date and I keep a tight lid on them because their wrath and fury spares no one - least of all the ones I love.

But why would someone do this you might wonder as well. I'm no timeless beauty, I'm just me. Why the wage these wars and fight these battles when there are easier paths to love? Because yes I'm no Padmaavati, I won't die for your love. I will kill for it. I don't believe in surrendering; there was always a warrior within me, it just took me really long to learn the need to fight; but now that I have, I never give up. If I love you, I will never give up on you. I have most experience fighting my demons and true, they do win some posts, but I will never let them conquer this battlefield. I'll fight my wars and yours, all you need to do is find it in your heart to be my warrior prince too. Be my Khilji - my insane, crazy, ziddi lover - who fights and never surrenders.

Then I promise you my love, you too will know a boundless love, like no other.
Because I might be a fighter but my superpower is love.
I can love like none other.
But deep in your heart you know that, don't you?

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