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Saturday, September 21, 2013

What was it like ?

My shuffle reminded me of him this morning. You could say I've been having thoughts for a couple of days now. It was so odd.. An out of body experience of sorts where I didn't even remember why this song meant so much anymore. Such a distant memory that instead of gnawing at my insides with nostalgia, it left me sort of haunted for the lack of it. I don't remember feeling what I felt.. The butterflies, the jitters, the love.. It's as if my favourite memory of us has just vanished into thin air.

It was always this long vacuum of nothing without you, a nothing that eventually led to my something - namely you. And now as the notes washed over me there was no pain, no twinge of sadness, no numbness even. An absolute nothing.

It scared me.

If the one thing that meant so much to me has lost the power to affect me have you managed to kill the little girl afterall ? All these efforts to keep her alive but is she the distant memory I should be weeping for ? Has the world finally gotten to her ?

It's alright to miss him, I tell myself. Just to evoke an emotion. But it's not coming. I replay all the harsh words, the unnecessary slandering and the self-actualization reaches a new peak. There are no tears for I cried them all. There is no pain for I've felt it all. There is no looking back.
If I look back I'm lost.

So are you, isn't it ?
This is why we keep running forward.
Further and further away from each other.
Ensuring in our own complicatedly dubious ways, that our paths never cross.
That we never chance a glance upon in the other in the terror as to what it'll unfold. The eyes. The smiles. The love.

And that's the biggest tragedy of them all.

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