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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Only my love, not your answer - Gail Wynand

Some cobwebs need to be removed as they hang down upon us, covering the very soul that was once within. I got covered in so many layers of them that I forgot what it felt like to be without them. It escaped my mindstate that all I ever had to do was stand up and shake off all the dust. Because somewhere along the way I became co-dependent and miserable. I became the half, the part - 'of something' I told myself, but what could be big enough to swallow one-half of my existence and take my individuality hostage?

Does she even know she's the girl with the red balloon?

I would toast with some cheap champagne tonight. Cheap champagne and you. I feel.. relieved. Like a weight, a whole load of it is off of my shoulders. Like I am finally not accountable or answerable anymore. I am free, of everything, even you. Yes, you and you and you. And you. And that.

That monster that lurked everywhere I went. I don't let it's face form in my head anymore. It doesn't dare to reach out from under the water to pull me down and drown me in it. It doesn't choke my voice in my throat at night when I wake up, looking for your remains in my bed. I would sit in a balcony, any random one, and toast to this.

I would sit and tell you what I wanted to all summer but never got a chance to. As I got closer to forming the words and further from getting the chance to express them, I accepted that some things are best left unsaid; some inner conflicts best left unexplained; some nightmares best left in the dark of the night, where they first came and shall forever rest in peace.

I used to cut a vein open until I ran out of veins. I'm clean of all the impurities that ran in me now. But I'm still infected with you, and us, and my masochistic need for reliving moments that play out in my head even as I try to just leave them behind at the airport.

The doors are shut and the stories that lie past them, waiting to be unraveled can do just that now - wait - for I am closing all doors and pulling down the blinds on the windows too. Walking out from beneath those collarbones and slipping out of these soothing boxers for life isn't about a 3x5 zone of comfort, it's a battle and not one that can be won while distracted by meaningless banter caused by hormonal and biochemical impulses and reactions.

Summer's my season for it burns a part of me out with it's inconsiderate heat and radical insensitivity every year, never disappoints; and this time it just burnt through a few more layers than usual or expected - it burnt right through. And when you've been toasted till your saturation level, you laugh when the temperature increases further for it is now that you start baking, oblivious to pain and other such trivial matters, in sync with the straight line that your graph has finally turned to from the curve that it once was.

Gulp down that glass of chilly water, filled till the brim with those icecubes that you love to suck on - break and crush them with your teeth and feel the splinters cut your insides; bleed. Bleed it all out. Let those whims and nonsensical fantasies take a back seat while you set sail in the sea that you've been afraid to take on all this while. You could swim. You were never the little mermaid, you were the shark that marked it's territory. Bite them.

The horizon was always an optical illusion and a mythical entity created for fools to pursue. Forget about it. Reach out for your Pluto instead. Go to war with the cold and emerge as the winner. Open up your eyes, read the signs, the omens are just right. Princess of the universe - the conspiracy is in place, it's upto you to see whether or not it's your quest to conquer. Dream. Dream, and for once dream of the neverland you hoped to achieve someday; just this time attain it all by yourself. There's more glory in solitude, always.

I would toast to me, tonight. And then ofcourse there's us.

Yes, she knows she's the girl with the red balloon.
And she just stuck a needle in it.