2014-2020

1. I whine too much and I rarely smile like I mean it.
2. My words are heartfelt, the abuses and the mush too.
3. I don't earn most of what I've been blessed with.
4. I'm perpetually dissatisfied with the situation I'm currently in.
5. I dream of a perfect world, knowing it doesn't exist.
6. I believe in fairytales and superheroes.
7. I would like to think that there are things in this world worth dying for.
8. I know there are people in my life worth dying for.
9. I am in a relationship with my phone and my laptop is the only form of commitment I've truly known.
10. I listen to heavy metal when I'm pissed and emo bullshit when I'm happy.
11. I replay moments, episodes, entire days in my head to assure myself they did happen once.
12. I like making people smile even if just for a nanosecond.
13. I follow my gut, I trust too soon, and I don't give up.
14. I am a masochist.
15. I am also a human microscope who over thinks practically everything.
16. I have my weakness. It used to be my strength.
17. My memory and incredible love for detail shocks even me at times.
18. I. know. i. will. yearn. for. love. forever.

Now that we've gotten to know me, would you turn around and walk out the door? Or do you still care enough to stick around?

18. He doesn't drink alcohol and I think he would've been the perfect whiskey boy.
17. He worships rock.
16. He doesn't sing as far as I know, but I have a feeling when he does, it is beautiful.
15. He quotes writers without any help from me.
14. He remembers things in intricate detail, enough to fail even me.
13. He writes of murders and thrill.
12. He cracks jokes in every second sentence.
11. His favourite Tennis player is Federer, band is Floyd, and football club is Manchester United.
10. He hates Liverpool (almost) as much as I do.
9. He can do anything but go an entire day without sarcasm.
8. He also wrote a novel.
7. He reaches out randomly and makes me smile.
6. He doesn't call, ever.
5. His taste in books is still questionable.
4. He loves the city that I hate.
3. He helps me with basic tech stuff that makes me feel like a complete blonde.
2. He is oblivious to how much his friendship meant to me at a time when I was most alone.
1. He doesn't know that I'm writing this; and probably never will

Now that you've gotten to know him, you do know that we're unlikely friends and years from now I probably wouldn't even be able to place who I wrote this for. But today, I know. And today, from where I'm standing, I'm glad to have known him.
Don't make me regret this, you. 

Does somebody love you?

  - in the way i do -

when i'm left to my own devices for too long,

i don't know what i become

i may not be extremely special

but i sure am extremely talented at kidding myself about it

because i enjoy the territory it comes with

geniuses are allowed madness 

and how else would you explain this dark madness inside of me?

that neither food nor music can quench

that love only dampens but never extinguishes

allow me to be mad 

and alone

and dark

allow me to self-destruct

and yet, save me too

be mine

leave me 

to my own devices 

and watch me crumble and combust

as perfectly as only i can

as beautifully as only i do

Take it all away.

 What do I do to stop feeling so utterly and completely alone and hollow from within?

If my tears could speak, this page would be full, but they can't

So it's not.

If my heart could be cajoled, it wouldn't break so easy, but it can't

So it does.

If my mind could be tricked into believing and keeping faith, I would

But, it can't.

If there was a prayer for redemption of one's soul, I would start praying

But there isn't.

If there was a way to erase memories, I would erase them

all

But there isn't.

And I can't.

Here we are again, Ved.

What does it take to come alive? To breathe? To believe? In magic? In goodness? In yourself?

What does it take to stay alive? To march on? To keep trying? To not give up? On yourself.

What does it take to begin to thrive? To excel? To win? To succeed? At health? At life? At love? 

˜

Perhaps all it takes is you and me 

Separated by destiny

Go on, now.

The fated moment's here

All the sidestepping in the world couldn't keep it at bay

Now it's time for me to step back, dear

I used to believe I have the courage to stay

I don't.

In so far

Don't really know the shallow end from the deep

I left all my doors ajar

Hoping you'd get to my heart, and that you'd keep

You didn't.

Oceans could be crossed, mountains climbed

Even if that meant drowning or falling

But for this, I was forever primed 

And I guess I was just stalling

The inevitable.

So, go on now 

Don't look back

I'll leave you with a smile

And a promise that I'll be fine 

Someday.

Exile.

In the fog of, what is right, I have not given into what I want - for incredibly long (378 days, give or take) - and even when I did, it was nearly not what I ever wanted to say. See, that's another thing I do. I hide, and I run, and I pretend like I'm strong - long enough for it to fool you (never me). 

However, the turn of events in the recent past have left me craving your voice. It's not sentimentality - and it's definitely not longing - it's just that you were there at the inception of this dream and it's just, ironic, that you're not anymore. 

All the things that went wrong, I take responsibility for (at least in part) but this silence that we're stuck in - that's on you darling. I know why it exists - maybe it's punishment for both of us for being as reckless as we were with something as great - but it is in moments like this, I am tempted to break it, consequences be damned. 

Because it wasn't just love ever was it? You saw me - for the very first time - and just for a split second I believed in myself. I thought, I was good enough, I mattered, I would live on to inspire. And somewhere if I'm introspective, I think the silence takes that away from me - if you don't see me like that anymore - I have trouble believing in it myself even when people I adore and admire, tell me to, repeatedly. If your belief didn't last, how dare mine? Am I really that self-indulgent?

The worst thing however is that after over two years of disbelief, something big enough has happened to convert even a skeptic like myself. I want to tell you all about it, so bad. Not because you deserve any credit, even I'm not that deluded. But because I know you'll smile - you'll be happy for me to have achieved my dream. You'll be... proud? And while it shouldn't matter to me because you've not been a part of my journey for so long, I still find myself wanting to tell you.

I guess you weren't in my top 10 calls... But now I seem to have crossed my top 50, and it's daunting on me that a very important name has been omitted by me. While you strive for us to be remember each other poorly, and observe hate-norms from opposite sides of the world, I like to remember what we added to each other's lives... Or at least what you did to mine.

I'm sorry I constantly fail at hating you, because that is just not something I'm comfortable with, despite all your schemes and plans - and I think that's why I feel constant salt is added to the injury that should have healed long ago.

I have forgiven you for the end, everything that followed, and the silent hate that you exude towards me. I have moved on and started believing that I deserve love and good things in life. I find myself in love, filled with hope and success, and second-guessing myself, much lesser than before. I do find myself believing in myself (even if rarely), in him (even if constant belief is terrifying) and in love (even though that's the scariest of them all). 

I have come really close to calling you this past week but I think the only thing that's held me back is that...

I think I've seen this film before

And I didn't like the ending

You're not my homeland anymore

So what am I defending now?

You were my town, now I'm in exile, seeing you out

I think I've seen this film before

So I'll continue to follow the rules you made, that I never believed in, because I don't think either of us can now bear a reality in which the other isn't exiled. 

PS: All I wanted to say over the call was: I did it, finally! So long and thanks for all the fish :')

This is my song.

...of inadequacy,
Does it ever leave? This feeling? You would think one can have enough achievements in their life - if there ever was anything like "enough" in this consumeristic, materialistic, unjust world - for it to at least sink somewhere deeper where it becomes harder to resurface but nope. There's always rejection and regret and choices that weren't made at the right time or at all.
It stays, and it haunts.//

...of not being enough,
You know that fleeting thought that no matter what you do, you'll never be good enough? Sometimes it's just not so fleeting anymore. There might be evidence to the contrary but then, there's enough to strengthen this belief as well, right? That you're not pretty enough, not smart enough, not well-placed enough, just not enough.
It gnaws you from within.//

...of perpetual self-doubt,
Am I good daughter? A loving partner? A caring sister? A loyal friend? A kind person? What if I'm just not a permanent kinda person. What if I'm a great temporary, but a horrible forever? What if nobody ever sees me the way I want them to? What if everyone is selfish and I'm not built for this world? What if I'll never belong?
It leaves you hollow, and empty.//

...of darkness,
When you've been chasing the light but it thwarts you, misses your steps, and startles you in the few moments that it does grace you, you fall back to the known, even if it is miserable. When you feel absolutely alone and insignificant in this universe, where do you go? Whom do you call? What do you say? How do you explain the void in your chest?
It leaves you helpless, and hopeless.//

Kaise Hua?

It's so rare - and fleeting - this feeling - no, not happiness; contentment.

You know when you have the most basic day and it's still perfect?
I don't take up a lot of space on my writing forums to be grateful and yet, one of the things I've come to be most grateful for lately, is time spent with loved ones. I think the past two weekends have been testimony to this. During a pandemic instated lockdown, it's only natural to feel the stress and pressure of being separated from ones I wouldn't voluntarily go without for long or short spells, really. However, tonight, I feel immensely... Complete. I think the past two weeks have really enriched me with minimalism, which is rare. I'm usually someone who desires and aspires for the big, the extraordinary, the grand.

However, I found comfort in talking for hours with friends I hadn't caught up. I found laughter in revisiting stories with family that had drifted away. I found rejuvenation in playing silly games with parents and extended family (and of course in unleashing the competitive side). I found ecstasy in having one of my best friends make the time and space and effort to spend uninterrupted time with me and in spoiling her rotten over the course of that weekend with my hostess-ness. I found bliss... In holding your hand again, touching your skin, almost like electricity; in being close to you, and yet not close enough; in finally taking you in, all of you, lips, body, mind, soul, everything.

I don't know how I've gotten here honestly. This feeling of being fulfilled and complete is so... new? Engaging? Refreshing? Satis-fucking-fying. I do look for small signs and gestures, take pleasure in the mundane and routine - from asking you about your meals to making some for people I love. I'm still far from the version of productivity and efficiency that I envision for myself but somehow I find myself, telling myself, tiny, little positive things lately - about myself. I'm being kind, almost? And I'm feeling something so much more than love for him...

As cliche and cheesy as it is, I guess I'm honestly just another girl, looking at her boy from across a virtual screen, wondering...
Kaise hua? Tu itna zaruri kaise hua?