Today, I'm so upset that I don't think I can bother myself with making sense or coming up with a title for the post. Today, I want to scream endlessly into my pillow and weep till my eyes fall out. Today, I realize this is just another year, just another thing I need to get through. All my life has been a series of 'getting' through something. Everything but TISS (that was a dream). Getting through a day of school, getting through a day without anyone noticing me, getting by without hating myself, getting through without wanting to kill myself... I've been getting by.
Usually I do a pretty good job too - I almost even convince myself most times that I'm a happy, sociable, likeable, loveable person. However today it all seems to be a lie and the lie is catching up fast. It seems I have been lying to myself all along. I have been pretending. The truth of the matter is I'm none of this. I had the potential to be but life has sucked it out of me. And frankly, I'm tired.
Also, I understand it is too damn soon to be tired. It only gets worse from here. That's the thing - all this knowledge and self-awareness is torture. Lately I don't know what I want. On the rare occasions that I do, I am unable to work towards it. I am just such a fucking failure in my own eyes because values such as being a good human, empathetic listener, loyal friend are not ones that are celebrated in this country.
My eyes have dried up so I don't even cry anymore. I just wallow within, getting more and more uneasy - and quiet, horribly quiet. I have always been the one person who understands everyone but somehow in this whole world I haven't found a single person who truly understands me. And true, maybe this is all a part of bloody adulting. Then I want to askgod someone, anyone, where the fuck my childhood is?
Why was I never allowed to be a child?
Usually I do a pretty good job too - I almost even convince myself most times that I'm a happy, sociable, likeable, loveable person. However today it all seems to be a lie and the lie is catching up fast. It seems I have been lying to myself all along. I have been pretending. The truth of the matter is I'm none of this. I had the potential to be but life has sucked it out of me. And frankly, I'm tired.
Also, I understand it is too damn soon to be tired. It only gets worse from here. That's the thing - all this knowledge and self-awareness is torture. Lately I don't know what I want. On the rare occasions that I do, I am unable to work towards it. I am just such a fucking failure in my own eyes because values such as being a good human, empathetic listener, loyal friend are not ones that are celebrated in this country.
My eyes have dried up so I don't even cry anymore. I just wallow within, getting more and more uneasy - and quiet, horribly quiet. I have always been the one person who understands everyone but somehow in this whole world I haven't found a single person who truly understands me. And true, maybe this is all a part of bloody adulting. Then I want to ask
Why was I never allowed to be a child?
No comments:
Post a Comment