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Tuesday, July 10, 2018

How many goodbyes?

Always and Forever

How may goodbyes will it take?

It's been almost thirteen years since I got to know you Rats. Thirteen. Wow, that's longer than all my relationships combined. We have really grown up together, have't we? Though I don't know how much growing has happened in this span except maybe growing closer and growing a little numb to the pain that surrounds us. Maybe we have grown wiser, maybe we have lives figured out backwards, maybe we're still kids who just drive to each other's houses now instead of walking and use any and every possible hobby to connect (most recent example: yoga)! Or maybe we're just Rats and Meow and that means different things on different days - but almost always ends up meaning everything. 

How many goodbyes will it take?

We have said goodbye to each other one too many times as we grew up. Even one was hard but this continued torture of having to get used to you not being walking distance away from me is just exceptionally painstaking. I know how the world works but I guess I just am always praying for us to end up in the same city and somehow we never do.

How many goodbyes will it take?

Is there a number after which it will either get easier or so insanely difficult that life itself gives up? if yes, I would like to know because this uncertainty kills me a little bit more every time that I realise that our time together is limited. I have mental throwbacks to the Red Bus and I wish we would have talked more than we did, really talked but I guess singing songs at the top of our lungs and learning lyrics was of far greater importance. As I type this, Promiscuous (Nelly Furtado) plays and I realise how we have changed over time and eventually become the exact same person. I don't know if I'm ecstatic for me or depressed for you.

How many goodbyes will it take?

One too many my love, one too many for me to ever accept that we're not together because I carry you with me, I carry you in my heart. I carry you with me no matter where we go, I carry you to cafes and bookstores; I carry you to bars and clubs; I carry you to my lover's house and my place of work; I carry you in my dreams and hopes.

Because I've said this before and I'll say it again because you know I mean it like nobody else -
For you, a thousand times over.

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