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Friday, September 12, 2014

'Aadhe adhoore khwab jo pure na ho sake..."

Shadows settle on the place you left.. Our minds are troubled by the emptiness..

I think there is a growing void inside of me. True that an idle mind is a devil's workshop. And the devil indeed occupies mine when I'm left to my thoughts and my own devices. There is a sorrow inside of me, ingrained so deep that it refuses to go away. At best I can shake it off.. For elongated periods at a time if I'm smart but sooner or later it does come back to haunt me. The worst bit is by now I know how it functions, this monster inside of me but I'm still a few steps away from destroying it. I let it rear its head in the hope that I will be able to fight it this time around, but it continues to get the better of me, The fact that anything he does anymore makes me feel like a passerby in his life, does not help. I'm not allowed to complain, I'm only supposed to adjust - even when it is the one thing which is proving impossible for me to do. I should compromise for the greater good. So I keep quiet about all the things that bother me, plaster a smile on my face and my feelings and drudge along.

Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time...

There's this hypothesis in Psychology - The Facial-Feedback Hypothesis. My life is kind of spent taking a cue from it. It states that facial movement can influence emotional experience. In simple words, if you're fucking sad but smile long enough, you will start feeling better. Neat little concept isn't it? Basically, you can fool your brain into feeling something it really isn't - Love, Hate or in my case, Happiness. This hypothesis has aided me in being a better person/friend.. I just keep telling myself that xyz situation isn't upsetting me.. That abc person's actions are not hurting me and eventually, I get over it. My brain begins to believe the bullshit I'm feeding it.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones,
'Coz most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs..

The beauty of the situation is that I even stopped doing what I did best - write about my little land of misery aka the prison inside of my head. Too many known people started following me and then they started worrying. Even my fictional posts were analysed and overanalysed word for word. This used to be my space. Stalkers found it a nice way to find out about me which creeped me out even further. And so I started staying away. My space, my blog somehow wasn't my own anymore. It was broken by the piercing eyes and guarded my thoughts from ever being inked for the fear of explanation. Can't a girl just write to write ? Must there always be parallels and Q&As afterwards ? 

Setting fire to our insides for fun,
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong...

So I started doing what I do best.. Looking back.. Going through my past.. Searching for answers.. And ofcourse I inevitably found you lurking right behind the shadows which I had somehow erased by discovering some dazzling lights.

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones,

'Coz of most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone...

I still believe there are parts of me which are dead, which I have killed in the fear that if they are resurrected, they will still lead me to you. I have worked tirelessly to drive these emotions out of me. The unconditional love, the caring, the incessant need to reach out. I had to slap myself repeatedly to drill it into my brain that there was no room for any of them. Or you

Setting fire to our insides for fun,
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home..
It was a flood that wrecked this home..
And you caused it.

I find myself going back and forth to that one picture. I think that's the happiest I've ever seen you in front of a camera. I zoom in, I zoom out. I try to relate to the people in that picture. Relive their happiness since I can't find any in my life at the moment. But this happiness makes me even more depressed than before. This happiness just reminds me of how shortlived everything is.. How inevitable the end is.. And how very easy it is to lose everything in one goddamn moment. 

I've lost it all,  I'm just a silhouette
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget..

When I lost you, I lost an irreplaceable part of me too. For a long time afterwards I asked myself before I even allowed myself to feel anything. Feelings in general were too much to handle. And I've started running from them all over again as the shadows lurk above my happiness. I don't want to relive what I did two years back, I'm not strong enough anymore. I can't be another story in someone else's book. I wanted to be the last chapter, dammit. Right before the words 'happily ever after' were typed.

My eyes are damp from the words you left
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest..
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

It's not everyday that you meet your soulmate. It's not everyday that you both fall in love and he makes you the center of his universe. And it's not everyday that he walks away, without any reason, never to look back. When he breaks you in so many ways that you wish you had never met him and even as that thought forms you find yourself rejecting it for you know that the ocean of pain was worth the very sight of his smile, the touch of his embrace and the spark in his eyes which only you were meant to share.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one
Because most of us are bitter over someone...

No matter how dark the dungeons afterwards, love is still an emotion you must cherish. It vanishes by the time you realize how important it is. Time, circumstances, people are all too fickle to really know how to hold on to something. And sometimes you're too broken to fight anymore. You have no fight left in you. 

Setting fire to our insides for fun,

To distract our hearts from ever missing them..

And so I do this all day, everyday. Think about all the love that was given to me and how I threw it away. How I'm so close to throwing it away all over again. And just because I know how important it is, I continue to fool my heart and brain. I tell myself I am happy. That this is as happy as you can get in the real world. That this is love, whether I like it or not. That gibberish such as the future and planning take a front-row-seat in your movie called life. There is only room for romance in the intermission. Just FYI, there will be no intermissions. So let go of your "childish" and naive notions about love, or else forever suffer in silence. Teach your heart to be your servant, not your master. And above all, erase all thoughts about  the road not taken. 

Sigh. If only I were as smart as I pretend to be. If only this were as easy. If only I was a materialistic robot. If only I was impervious to my past. IF ONLY I WAS OBLIVIOUS TO LOVE. If only I was incapable of missing the darned emotion in my life.

But I'm forever missing him.

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