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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Thank you, Philippines.

I forgot how good you are to me. You and everything and everyone here. I forgot that when I told myself I wouldn't need to go home this winter. What a silly creature I am. For you're not just good, you're splendid. You've given me these four walls - my best friends here, my laptop - my boyfriend, and so many memories I'll always cherish: crying alone, aching for hugs, losing things closest to your heart, wanting for everything to dissolve into nothing and reliving every one of my nightmares. You have truly been brilliant!

You made me realize what it's like to be a stranger not just in a room but in my own skin, to have nobody stand up for you, and to grow to resent the one number I always loved. You made me see how very mistaken I was in thinking I was strong willed or emotionally capable of anything worthwhile. You even taught me how to stop expecting completely, even from myself.

Ah Philippines, I owe you so much. I would've never learnt if not for you. And I know you will continue to teach me. You're wonderful like that. A lesson on how to feel utterly helpless? Check. Another on growing addictions? Check. Yet another on everlasting loneliness? CHECK.

I'll remember you always, if I make it out alive - if that's your plan for me that is. I'll remember all of this. 

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