Thank you for the Sunshine.

Can you be in love with the thought of someone?

They exchanged pins for it seemed like the appropriate thing to do, as they met as bare acquaintances through a mutual friend. The friend in question wasn't even around and so the conversation was awkward and a little too scanty. A few customary conversation starters down the afternoon and they both were hunting for the nearest exit out. They had places to go to, people to see.

It was the Fourteenth of April in the year that changed everything, forever.

They shared a few common interests which would spring up conversation off and on but there came a day when that ceased. They both had their reasons. Many months later she wrote, Hello Darkness my old friend and something seemed to pull me in. No questions asked, no barricades erected. It was simple henceforth really. And when something comes so easy, it's nature's way of showing you something that you didn't think existed - that open window after the door has been shut in your face.

There were high tides and low. Mostly low, but that's the funny thing about tides - the lower ones seem to bind you eternally and stronger than the counterpart ever would. There were smiles too between music exchanges and all night long conversations and those futile attempts to try and wake up to study. And an honesty that struck the chord of friendship. Trips were planned, groups were made but those are materialistic things that sooner or later fall apart. The thoughts that one shares, never do. I'm glad I could share them with you.

Every destination we reach is special but sometimes it's just about the journey. And you've left your imprint on my sands through our journey together. For when there were winds threatening to escalate into a much stronger storm, you just held on tighter. The feet didn't run and flee, but sunk in deeper. And I held on to them for dear life.

Sometimes all you need is a teeny tiny silver lining behind that long mast and shadow of grey. You were exactly that - ray of hope, a tinge of sunshine. I may love the rain but opening my eyes to your warmth was an enigma in itself. Unexpected and yet so radiant.

Can you be in love with the mere thought of someone? If yes, I love you.

Let me weep tonight.

In the cold shudders of the ocean, let my ship sink down further below than the infamous Titanic. Let me weep the father I never ceased to disappoint, the sister I never had for my own, and the lover that I lost in the tides of time. Let me just turn off these lights and sit quietly, for I can't exonerate my selfish deeds - not tonight. But they say redemption can be found, and where else to find it if not in the remains of my soul. I shoulder the blame alone but mistake it not for self pity or preservation.

Let me bid adieu and forever seal my fate in this extinguishable distance. Let this be the end, of whatever little I had promised. Pick out that flower, that letter, that pendant I kept as memoirs from a happier time, and then let it all go for it's time. For one last time, let me dream about that imaginary truck that was to magically take all this pain away.

Let me sail far away with the winds that reek of the storm soon to follow. I'm devoted to the sea. And I once read somewhere that the sea's only gifts are harsh blows. Let me blow away, for keeping the memory of us alive is painful, much too painful. Pain is all I ever brought to the table. Let me exterminate all of it.

Let me weep tonight for all my sins. For the blood on my hands and the lies. For the unintended neglect and the cold interior that somehow became the very core of who I am. But most of all, let me weep tonight for the mother I left back home. The mother I left behind in all of this.

I did love you with all my heart. I do love you with all of me. Funny thing, love.

"I'm going to break my own heart, so that you can't."

That's such a neat little concept. Rather than me standing by, waiting for you to turn around and maybe just look my way this once, I should just wrench my heart out myself and jump on it till whatever's left of it can be crushed to bits and then I don't have anything left inside of my chest, at all. Because that's what you do.

Hollow's got to be better than what you make me feel. Whatever happened to the friendship. Were we even friends, I wonder. I thought you were my best friend. But then I even thought I was impervious to hurt and other such nonsensical things such as heartbreak and jealousy and possessiveness. So I should take that bottle of acid and gulp it down so that all the burning can take place all at once. For you've burnt me and left my embers out in the rain to dissolve into nothing.

I'm going to erase how your lips felt on mine, how safe I felt while you drove like a wreck in that car of yours, how oblivious I was to the world for you'd built a new one which had just us in it. I'm going to stab myself rather than wait for you to use the knife you hold. I'm going to bleed myself dry until all your memories flow out and this fluid turns back to black from the red you'd painted it into.

It rains ever so often now. You'd asked me to never let it rain over you, long back. And then repeated it off and on. Funny how you became the sole reason for these unasked showers and this torn diary. It would be easier if my heart just stopped beating you know? Because this thumping in my insides seems pointless now. It's a constant reminder of a life I don't want to live without you in it.

But no. Chin up, head high and a smile - even if it's forced or plastered or fake. Even if I have to light twenty sticks a day to keep myself from breaking down, even if I have to tell myself repeatedly to never ever open myself up to someone again, even if I have to completely destroy all the dreams I dreamt, I will. For I'll be the reason for my misery now, not you. I will not let you destroy me. You're not the fire that will burn me out. I am the light that will shine on. I'm the way, the truth and the life.

The way which you never seek.
The truth you don't let yourself speak.
The life that you no longer lead.

Happy Fourteenth, you.

Cocktail.

The entire premise is wrong. Of taking that leap, of going head over heels, of making that darn exception. Because making that is no guarantee of you finding what you went looking for. Heck, you'll never get what you want anyway - that's just how twisted it all is. And if you feel in your gut that you've finally found the one person who'll shatter this belief, you're wrong. He'll just shatter you.

The idea of love is better than the real deal. How you see it is not how it ends. How it ends is completely in somebody else's hands altogether. Which is why it shouldn't even be expressed. You should just choke down those feelings when they first arise. When you feel that first nudge in your insides to go that extra mile, when you start feeling yourself dissolve for a united existence seems to hold more meaning - stop, step back. And then turn around and run. Run as fast as you can and never look back. You'll miss out on something, you convince yourself. But you're just saving yourself from a huge pool of hurt, pain and anguish; longing, misery and wait.

Listen to me. Trust me. I know for I've been swimming in this pool for long now. I think I'll drown in it too.

This pool was made of undying love once
and built for two.
But you walked away and left me alone;
*My exception*, didn't you?

My first Blog Award *sniff*

I'd heard about this, I'd kind of known about it but convinced myself I wasn't into superficial things like these and I have obviously secretly always wished for it.. Yes, Blog Award. I have immense love for Kanika for bestowing me with the best there possibly could be in this category - Liebster Blog. Liebster being German for favourite! :D

Now since she's been such a sweetheart and this is an award, I shall keep up the traditions and additional to-dos that go alongwith. 

Firstly, eleven facts about me.

1. I am an only child - something that has a great deal to do with the kind of person I am i.e I hate sharing the things/people I love, I am possessive and I can quite easily throw a tantrum when things don't go my way which may be as little as stomping my foot or as big as sulking in my room all day with headphones plugged in and the world shut out.

2. I have an extremely drama-filled life. Where I go, trouble, drama and nonsense inevitably follows. I never used to complain but after having material enough for a bestseller series for a sitcom, movie and novels (I'm going for a triology at the least) I kind of find myself wishing for a 'normal' life.

3. I talk to myself in the mirror and to a lot of inanimate objects which somehow follow my emotions better than the humans that inhabit this planet. I guess this is primarily because I usually don't give a shit about the crap people say for they find illogical reasons to hate me so why even bother? Plus I think sarcasm is the best form of wit there is and am waiting for the day when sarcasm finally gets a font of it's own so dummies can begin to understand it too :P

4. I love Coldplay and John Mayer and Knopfler and DMB and.. Actually music in short. I can't go a day without music for that I think would be the end of my existence and I always link people and memories with songs. I make dedications in my head and I could swear to you that nobody is a bigger sucker for lyrics than I. I can find you a song for every situation - ask my flatmates, they'll vouch for it. 

5. I share a love-hate relationship with my country but now it's hit me nice and proper that I'll never want to settle anywhere else for good. Your country is just your own - it's a realization that strikes all of us whether at five, fifteen or fifty but it's the one that changes us forever.

6. I would so kill for Amy Lee's voice. Actually I'd kill for a pretty normal voice only since I love to sing but whenever I dare to it sounds like a dying walrus screeching for help -__-

7. I don't get the hype about this magical number. My favourite is eight and as a kid I used to skip seven from my counting altogether. Eight and eighteen are numbers that draw me to them since I was in mommy's womb me thinks.

8. I have the world's coolest parents. I don't have to hide anything from them. I mean seriously which set of parents would be cool with their daughter living in with a boy across an ocean (given he's my friend's boyfriend but they could doubt me still!), smoking, drinking, partying ad pretty much breaking all rules of the good girl handbook. And to top it all, they still say I make them proud. I am the luckiest girl in the world as far as the parent department is concerned and I couldn't imagine a life without either of them.

9. I miss debating and writing - and no I don't really think I write anything substantial anymore. There was a time when I could you know. But I hope that it will come back to me, that passion and those words that drove me.

10. I love it when my boy gives me his shirt or his jacket or even his silly sleeve. I guard it with my life and never let it grace another soul's body. For me, his wrist watch is the best present possible and his voice the perfect lullaby for a sound sleep.

11. Once I give my heart to someone, I never get it back - not all of it anyway. If I loved you once, then a part of me loves you still. Believe it or not, that is how fucked up I am and that is how much love I apparently have in me *fuck me someone*

Regardless of that there are only three boys that I ever loved and hopefully I'll not add another number to this list now. Ever. 

Second, eleven questions I must answer for Kanika.

1. Name any 5 concerts you really wish you could attend.

Ans. In my order of preference, Coldplay, Metallica, Led Zepp, The Doors and The Beatles (yes I know the last three are a moot point but still! I'm wishing so might as well.)

2. A movie you could watch any number of times.

Ans. Lord of The Rings - the entire triology and The Godfather and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

(Again, three's kinda my number, oops)

3. Who was your first follower?

Ans. This is also the girl whose the reason I first started blogging and who now whines about the crap I write - Shail Jalan: mother, flatmate, friend.

4. The best compliment you've ever received.

Ans. "I'm not left with what she took from me, but what she brought. Eyes that saw me, finally, for who I really am. And a certainty that nothing... nothing is set in stone. Not even darkness. While she was here, she made me think for the briefest moment I might even have a chance to be human."

- Anirudh Tiwari 

5. What's the one thing you'd do if you knew you'd be successful at it?

Ans. Write. For life. Till my fingers bled. Literally.

6. Who would you rather date? A worried genius or a joyous simpleton?

Ans. Worried genius, anyday.

7. If you were given one wish, what would that be?

Ans. I want a few buttons in life - pause, forward and my favourite, rewind.

8. If you were stranded on an island, what three things would you want in your bag?

Ans. A notebook and a pen, an iPod, a Blackberry.

9. One celebrity you'd love to date.

Ans. Johnny Depp. *drool*

Also, Chris Martin and Novak Djokovic. 

10. Describe a moment when you were really proud of yourself.

Ans. My book release. It is a crappy book but in that moment, I felt like a tiny JK Rowling.

11. Favourite author?

Ans. Darn, too many. So I'll pick eight. Ayn Rand, J.K. Rowling, Mario Puzo, Douglas Adams, Pablo Neruda (yeah he's a poet but I love him too much), Khaled Hosseini, Oscar Wilde, Eoin Colfer.

And third, before I pass on this award to my fellow bloggers, eleven questions I want them to answer for me.

1. Smoke/drink/smoke up - if you could only pick one, what would you pick?

2. If you had to describe my blog in a line, chose the words you'd use.

3. If you could wish for something, anything, what would you wish for?

4. Favourite superhero and a superpower you really would kill for?

5. Favourite musician/artist/band. Or all.

6. One regret in life.

7. Why do you write? And what inspires you?

8. The one person you love most in this world?

9. Fate and destiny - comments.

10. If you were President of our country for a good one year, what would you change/do better?

11. Imagine a world with no internet. What would you do in the time you kill online?

And finally, for the awards.

*drumroll*

First, my favourite number. THE Eight.

* Nina at "happy girls are the prettiest girls"

* Isha at "Chaai, Paani, etc."

* My darling Mrinalini at "Delusion Diaries"

* Parth Gandhi at "If you know what I mean *wink*"

* Priiyam (?) at "Point Blank"

* Simki at "The 1634th Random Blog"

* Zeba at "Zebra Talk"

* MothSmokeLover at "Today has been Okay."

Now the other number, THREE.

These women I absolutely adore - Soumi, Kanika and Sudeshna but I think they've all been given this award already so wouldn't want them to go through the whole rigmaroll again. But I wanted them to know just how much I enjoy reading them.

Lots of love guys.

Thanks for making my day.

xo