This is where we bleed --
It has definitely been a year of bleeding... loss, death, grief... losing my ability to even convey strength in words to all those that I watched struggle... helplessly... paralysed almost... willing but unknowing... this year has taught me the importance of silent presence... reaching out when it is hardest... and being there for your people when you absolutely have no idea how...
Maintaining adult friendships took on a new meaning this year with more hits than this space has had in a while... but all necessary... as we grow up, it's neither good nor bad that some people don't grow with us... it's normal to have disagreements, to not have the same commitment, to fall apart, to not be okay with certain toxic traits in your life, to want something different, and to limit the people you want to build it with/for...
Building a marriage/partnership was a big one this year and by far the easiest (though it wasn't all roses and good times) compared to all the rest. Navigating family has always been tricky for me but figuring out this new family of two came almost naturally to him. I have had to struggle and realise that you have to know how to self-soothe for your partner to be able to soothe you... you need to be responsible for your own happiness to appreciate the joy that your partner adds to your life... you need to be invested in growth and learning to truly carve a middle path which works for both of you...
Rediscovering... travel (hills, beaches, snow-clad mountains, river sides), reading (my god! rediscovering the thrill of turning pages), writing, dancing, (and myself)... has been the definite highlight of this year. This meant a lot of building, dissolving, rebuilding habits -- sticking to things that I haven't stuck to in ages -- skincare, books, reduced screen time, journalling, gratitude -- I think I have done the most amount of gratitude, meditation, movement, writing (albeit unstructured) this year than the many years before this... dare I say I owe it in part to my "better" half... (feminist cringe)
Professional growth and setbacks have also been on my mind a lot this year.. (not big enough as a brand, not strong enough as a supervisor, not effective enough as a therapist)... I wanted to do SO much and while I did a LOT, it still has come up short in my mind... 2023 was more maintenance than growth and I struggle to call that a victory... There have been some big wins but the goodbyes have hit harder... the questions have lingered longer... and the sheer frustration that accompanies a doctoral degree has been overwhelming...
I set many intentions for this year and frankly built a lot of them... so my percentage of success has gone up... in that regard and that regard alone, this year should count as a win... but it somehow just doesn't... I don't even want to write about 2024 in the same space, I want to bring different intentions for the next year... from a place of hope, courage, and resilience... as of now, I'm just glad to have built, re-built, maintained, consolidated, failed, burnt, broken, whatever I did this year... it was a tough one... I'm glad it's over...
Three words to sum up my 2023: loss, learning, love
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