The start.

Oh, take me back to the start

**

I want to write you a love letter 

but midway it turns into a goodbye note. 

I guess that's how my brain makes my heart work. 

Even when all my heart wants to do is believe, 

my head won't have it - 

it doesn't allow me this basic illusion or relief 

that it's all going to be alright. 

People fantasise about their perfect life, 

(hell some believe they even manifest it) 

but here I just play tragedies on repeat instead - 

A hundred ways in which it can go wrong. 

Even my poetry is broken; 

I set out to write verses of love sonnets but inevitably 

end up with morose prose instead.

I don't know exactly when or what date it was

when my heart decided to break into two

and my mind disintegrated into a mess of cynicism 

irreparable, irreversible

stuck on the pain and the agony

making my life into the worst tragedy

when all my tiny heart wants 

is

to believe

to love

to hold

and to cherish

**

I want to scream i love you

from the rooftops and mountaintops 

until my throat is sore and dry

I guess that's how much I want to tell the world that you're mine

instead i become more quiet

I fade and dissolve

into the background 

Wanting to become the white noise that is -

barely noticeable 

insignificant, immaterial

as if i don't matter 

as if i am but a passenger in this journey

replaceable, forgettable 

because i can't shake this feeling 

of not being nearly enough 

I find myself reminisce the past

where did this all start?

where is the three year old that fell in love with 

the most romantic actor of all time?

the one who believed in fairytales and happily ever afters

hell, the one who even dreamed about them

where is the belief?

in myself 

in you?

in us?

**

Oh, take me back to the start