Oh, take me back to the start
**
I want to write you a love letter
but midway it turns into a goodbye note.
I guess that's how my brain makes my heart work.
Even when all my heart wants to do is believe,
my head won't have it -
it doesn't allow me this basic illusion or relief
that it's all going to be alright.
People fantasise about their perfect life,
(hell some believe they even manifest it)
but here I just play tragedies on repeat instead -
A hundred ways in which it can go wrong.
Even my poetry is broken;
I set out to write verses of love sonnets but inevitably
end up with morose prose instead.
I don't know exactly when or what date it was
when my heart decided to break into two
and my mind disintegrated into a mess of cynicism
irreparable, irreversible
stuck on the pain and the agony
making my life into the worst tragedy
when all my tiny heart wants
is
to believe
to love
to hold
and to cherish
**
I want to scream i love you
from the rooftops and mountaintops
until my throat is sore and dry
I guess that's how much I want to tell the world that you're mine
instead i become more quiet
I fade and dissolve
into the background
Wanting to become the white noise that is -
barely noticeable
insignificant, immaterial
as if i don't matter
as if i am but a passenger in this journey
replaceable, forgettable
because i can't shake this feeling
of not being nearly enough
I find myself reminisce the past
where did this all start?
where is the three year old that fell in love with
the most romantic actor of all time?
the one who believed in fairytales and happily ever afters
hell, the one who even dreamed about them
where is the belief?
in myself
in you?
in us?
**
Oh, take me back to the start
