Riddle me this.

What is it about happiness that terrifies the crap out of me? Is it just that it's so fleeting that my guard is always up about it disappearing? Is it that Meredith Grey's quotes about pain are too deeply embedded in my brain? Is it Peyton's "People Always Leave" that has me constantly questioning my gut? 

Why am I surprised and disbelieving of happiness - almost as if I'm certain I don't deserve good things? Why am I so skeptical when somebody picks me? I keep looking for answers as to why they would and keep falling short. If someone can truly be with anyone, why would they willingly and knowingly choose an over emotional person with so much baggage? 

This cycle of questioning never ends and I keep looking for clues where there aren't any. I'll make comparisons just to feel inadequate and unworthy of you. I'll find the data to support my thesis that you deserve better and I shouldn't be standing in the way of that. I just wish it didn't feel as good as it does so I could walk away and let you find real beauty. Should I walk away regardless hoping that you find that perfect person (better on paper is also probably better for you in real life too) , all the while knowing that it will absolutely break me when you do.  

I have so many questions but the most gut wrenching and heart shattering one that keeps haunting me is this - why do you love me? Are you sure? 

I think you should know better. 
I think I should definitely know better. 

Hold your breath.

The chronology is crystal clear. The question is what sticks? The pattern or the hope? The self-destruction or the romantic optimism? Dare I dream? Dare I dream with you? I don't think I'm the one - for you, or for anyone. I may be beautiful, as you so often remind me. But these reminders will run out and all I'll remember is the hollowness and the void that your absence will leave in its wake. Why? Why am I so scared? I know what I feel and I know it is pure. What is this deep need for it to last and this unwavering doubt that it won't? 

People matter to me most and people screw me over the most - that much is certain. I allow for it is also evident. Is it because I don't believe I deserve love? Is it because I turn everything I touch to anti-gold? Is there no greater pattern and just a series of unfortunate coincidences? I'm terrified to find out the answer to this. Horrified out of my mind to actually come to know that I'm but an option, nothing extraordinary, nothing exclusive. Just an everyday mundane that makes those around her happy as per their convenience and then is easily forgotten.

Will you leave? Will you stay? Will I be forced to reevaluate myself through my life choices and my life experiences? Will the cynic win or the romantic? Is there any winning at all in a life and world as twisted as the one we currently live in? 

What am I doing here? I don't belong here.